The Deep End: A Dialogue at the Gate

"Did we say that?" asked Jessica. "It's been a while and I don't remember."

"Yeah, we said that we were gonna try to do it. But I don't remember the context," said Renee. "There was something about Pistis Sophia and the multi-headed Lion at the gate. Like you said, it's been a while."

Jessica sighed deeply. "I said a lot of things. Some of them academic in nature, just throwing a thought out. And there are some that weren't actually meant to be acted on. I did say that."

"Oh, you did say that. You specifically mentioned that some of these things would destroy people—including yourself. And it did," nodded Renee. "You and others."

Jessica made a noise in response. Renee continued. "You still scared?"

"I'd be stupid if I wasn't. But that won't stop me. I'll still trudge right up to that monster like it's third-floor Fluffy," said Jessica. "Because it's too late to stop now. I'll do it without even thinking about it. Being an avatar sucks."

"So you're an avatar?"

"Renee, I have to be something. No—wrong words. I feel compelled to be something. When it's instinct, unconscious drive, when you try to subvert and you end up there anyway, what is that? What is that supposed to be? I can be human and an avatar. I can be both. It doesn't make me special or give me mysterious powers. I can't fly or water bend. So, I can be an avatar if I effin' want to. Because I'm an avatar when I don't want to! It's just easier and feels better to lean into it."

"Okay, what's the conflict?"

"I'm having a hard time separating being and doing."

"Oh, that is hard, Ego-Sister."

"I'm certain that one step to tearing down the lions is to be rather than do," said Jessica.

Renee took a minute. Jessica could feel her gears grinding, trying to work that out before going further. After a few minutes, Renee finally spoke again. "Nope. I don't get it."

"It's easy. The Lions are Pride. To defeat them, I must be but not do. I must allow the Lions to do, forget how to be, so that they are taken down by their own Pride. Because essentially, those Lions are wealthy men. Think historically."

Renee thought hard. "The pattern I see is that Lions are Kings of Pride. I also see them as lazy, and they really are only present to protect a group of females."

"No, you're in the animal kingdom. Get out of that. Go more anecdotal."

"Okay. Lions are Kings. Kings of Empires. Rulers of rigid social structures."

Jessica nodded. "There you go. Much better."

"But rigid structures depreciate over time, allowing atrophy to insert itself into situations at the bottom of the structure. Especially if no one at the bottom knows how to maintain or administer regular functioning. So the bottom will rot faster than the top. And the top will never know it's rotten until the decay is past their doorstep." Renee smiled. "By that time, it's too late. The damage cannot be repaired. The only solution is to allow the fall."

"No, it's not the only solution, Shadow-Sister. The other solution is to make it go faster."

"Is that what is happening?" asked Renee, horrified.

"Yes. Simple. Plain. Yes," answered Jessica. "The faster the decay, the faster and further the fall of pride. And the worse it looks and feels. But it's necessary to move into the next age. It really is. I would never have posited such a thing if I didn't truly think it was correct."

"So, the holdouts?"

"I think I called them 'Death Throes,'" said Jessica. "In any case, I think I'm in that stage myself."

"Does the Void include a phase like that?"

"I'm pretty sure it does. I have discovered a few things on my journey through this. Firstly, I can say with complete authority: you can take it with you. Not currency, but wisdom. That is the only stat that continues beyond death. Secondly, a person experiences many deaths in their lifetime. These deaths aren't physical or final. They aren't 'endings'—they are deaths. What makes the difference is the memory-to-forget ratio. Kronos makes you forget, while Kali lets you keep what's left."

"Oh, I do NOT follow that."

Jessica nodded. "Kronos is Memory as it is connected to Linear Time. Kali is Memory as it is connected to Soul Time. He forces you to forget. But She allows you to remember the wisdom earned from that time and memory. Kali is very giving despite her fierceness."

"But those Gods are taking all the time."

"Krishna is the teacher. He gives the lessons. I don't know who it is for Greek/Roman. I only know which God speaks to me and why."

"So, Krishna teaches wisdom. Kali helps to forget completely and only remember what remains?" Renee gasped. "Oh, this is like an Alchemical Thing! Like the Temperance card?"

Jessica nodded. "Oh, yeah. I'm pure gold at first. Then as I live and learn, the purity is messed with, so I'm not so gold anymore. In order for me to purify, I have to melt. Then the impurities rise to the surface and the slag is taken away. At the end of the process, I'm pure gold again. The Philosopher's Stone is a chunk of slag." Jessica snickered. "It's a hypothesis leaning more and more into full-blown theory at this point."

"I don't think I realized how ambitious this theory was," mumbled Renee.

"TOO RIGHT! At the time, I did not realize the depth of it either. It's like a really clear water. It don't look that deep or shallow. My dumbass walked right over the deep end and jumped in."

"But that brings us back to the Lions," said Renee. "Okay, here is where my memory might be a little twisted. I think I said something about 'it had to be fought by others.' But it's really foggy there. The way it feels is that it's going exactly like it's supposed to. There is a high probability—a very good chance—that the happy ending everyone wants is actually, for real, going to happen."

"Oh, I get it," said Renee. "That's the conflict. You fear hope itself. This is the part of the journey where Hope overcomes Fear to become Fear. Holy shit! Your greatest fear is Endless Hope!" exclaimed Renee. "It's the same as William Afton. OMG! That's effin' nuts. But makes complete and total sense. To always have hope for a better future and never getting a better future. Not because you aren't working for it, or avoiding success, or anything except that—for unknown reasons—nothing ever works out for you in the end. You work and live and strive, all to die in a gutter. That's..." Renee took a step back. "That's too dark for me."

"The Lions are keeping us locked in a life of fear and hope. They can't keep us there. At some point—it's a matter of when, not if—people at the bottom will rise to eat them. I'm saving the Lions from the Sheep."

"Why the eff would you do that?"

"A power vacuum. It creates space at the top, so after that fight, there will be more fighting. Until some dumbshit takes over and we go right back to what we were doing before. What is the difference? Was a difference made? No. It was merely an exchange from the farmer being in charge, to the pigs."

"Animal Farm," said Renee. "Oh, the horse. He died working himself to death for Endless Hope, and in the end, he didn't get his retirement—he got sold for glue. Gods in Heaven, you are effin' dark, Jessica. Christ on a stick."

"The Lions cannot actually be driven out. They must be 'subdued,' not eliminated," explained Jessica. "I will not be glue, Renee. The Lions must be turned to Cubs. Sekhmet must return to drain the blood of men and restore the balance if the Lions do not stand down and let through relief. It's guarding an empty vault anyway."

"What the hell does that mean?" asked Renee.

"The box is empty. The vault. Wealthy men don't want you to know they have no actual money. They aren't actually rich. I don't mean spiritual abundance. I mean actual currency. Most of them live on empty promises and debt accrued through assets, not actual money. None of it is real." Jessica laughed. "A group of men agreed that such and such was worth such and such. That's it."

"You are out of your mind."

"Nope. I promise you I'm very much in my mind, and that is how it works. That is how we subvert the Lions without tearing them down. We, the people, use our strength to withhold the cashflow, workflow, and birth rate. When they see the people NOT fighting and laying down to do nothing, that profit margin is gonna drop like an anvil from an airplane on the moon—"

"That's oddly specific," mumbled Renee.

"There's no air friction on the moon. Feathers and hammers drop at the same rate there."

"I mean to say the drop will be quick," replied Jessica.

"That's good, right?"

"No!" laughed Jessica. "That's very bad! That drop will affect the American economy as a whole!"

"I see. That's why they can't go away all at once. Gods, this is complicated."

"Uh, yeah. Complicated is an uncomplicated word for the situation." Jessica continued, "Change must happen over time. It must. People want to change something immediately because the immediate affects them beneficially. They see relief today. But only in the short term. Long-term change for the benefit of all must be done slowly over time, and also includes a whole lot of pain and sacrifice. I am included in all that. I must bear it with everyone else, in the gutter. It's not easy. But it must happen."

"And that's why you are worried. Endless Hope on your end, and forgotten memory on their side," said Renee. "I didn't realize."

"I'm pretty sure at that point in the recording you were already 90% integrated. You wouldn't remember."

"Have we decided on whether we are insane or genius?"

"I think the jury's out on that still. And I'm not sure if there is a choice, really. I think it might be a paradox situation."

"Maybe that's why it will work," Renee giggled.

"Who knows?" Jessica flicked the side of her nose and laughed like Achmed.

"How did you get more terrifying than me?"

"It was in Tennessee. Della sent me over the edge. In short, I stopped being nice and started being a total and complete jackass. I went honey-badger. Zero fucks were involved, and there was no credit line at that point."

Jessica felt Renee cringe. "What did you do?"

"And let everybody villainize me on what I had to do and say to get out of an abusive situation with my parents? No. I will not listen to people give me the 'but that's your mom. You shouldn't do/say that to your mom.' Eff those effers."

"Stuff has changed since then. Some people will say that, but more people won't. More people will say, 'We know how you feel and had to do the same.'"

"Maybe you are right. But I'm still not talking about it. The minute I do, someone is gonna take it and use it for their own purposes. So, I'm not engaging that," said Jessica. "But you did kick the doors down."

"No, I blew them off their hinges. Hence the unhinged blog post."