Sunday, April 10, 2022

The TVA's Best B rated Movies Never Made

 Skimming through the TVA Entertainment Archive, I have made a short list of the Best B Rated
Movies never made here on Midgard CP55-38480 (That's us, BTW. We survived the Pandemic fairly well in comparison to some others (*coughMidgard359cough*)) So, if you are ever vacationing there or you find yourself in the waiting room, request these movies. Its worth wasting your time on these jems!

Fast & Frivolous~ An action adventure comedy about four wealthy friends shopping Black Friday. Can they get through their list? They better check twice, I think they missed a spot.

Shrok~ Voiced by David Spade. After being forced out from under his bridge, can a troll find true love? Is it the Pretty Princess or the Dashing Duke? He has some identity issues to work out.

Pluto Nash (Edit: I forgot this got made here. This version is way better!)

Dude, Where's my arm?~ Two cyber Punks go on a bender. One loses his arm. The other lost his pocket rocket. Only the Wizard knows what happened.

Highlander~ Starring Robin Williams. He consistently proves, "There is always one." There really should not be more than that. Really.

Home Alone Again~ Father leaves his son home alone to attend a huge drug party~ again. Now, the son must evade Social Workers or go into foster care. He would rather not, in this Dystopian Horror.

Rise Above~ How a former adventurer overcomes his crippling knee injury to become a famous courier.

Johnny Numeronic~ Action Adventure. Johnny runs numbers. But he ran the wrong numbers to the wrong casino. Now, he must run from the Mob. 

Farm Simulator the Movie.

Farm Simulator the Sequel

Farm Simulator X~ Horror on the farm.

Never Ending Story 5~ Two completely wasted convenience store clerks battle boredom at work by wasting time and getting into trouble.

The Devil Wears Cyber Heels~ Fashion and Sin is Universal AND Multiverse-al.

Cooking with Balrog~ All seven seasons of Julia Childs as a Balrog teaching the science of cooking the perfect dwarf. 

Shrubs~ 1 and half seasons The Knights of NI unleash their knowledge of Shrubbery. and a fish.

Saturday, January 29, 2022

Supernatural Fail

 I couldn't take it anymore. I got to season 7 episode 3 (or 4?) It was the one about Osiris. Sam killed one of my favorite Gods with a rams horn? Seriously? pbbt! Come on! Kripke, you suck!

This show simply wails the goodness and light out of my faith. It features uses of seriously forbidden blood magic the Gods don't even use anymore. I was hoping for something to come out of that episode.

You see, not five minutes into *that* episode, I found myself yelling at my screen. Dean has taken it upon himself to be the judge, jury, and executioner for all the hunts. Dean is in control. Dean is a black and white thinker. He murdered that Kitsune.

So when Osiris came by to even it out, to put Dean back into his place, Mommy Sam had to enable his behavior and "save" Dean.

Dean is not a nice guy. He isn't safe. His heart is closed. His ego is too. He is a failure. He self soothes with beer, women, and cheeseburgers. Giving himself an excuse to do because he is "protecting blah blah blah"

What a bunch of bullsmack.

He has no faith in Sam. He has no faith in Bobby. He has no faith~ in himself. When he broke it off with Lisa, that was proof! Dean knew he couldn't protect Lis and Ben.

And here is where is it super screwed up. Dean isn't alone outside of him. He is alone in his head because he won't allow others to step up into their Divine purpose. Dean only feels value if HE is the chosen one. It never occurs to him that maybe he is supposed to teach or train others in his life to be strong hunters themselves. That way it isn't *just* him and *only* him making the sacrifice. Its a "family" but only if he is running it, protecting, making the calls, doing the orders. That's not a family you ass! Thats an army. Any member of that army who disagrees is bullied out, cast away, and shamed into compliance. If that person doesn't comply they are left behind to be murdered by the nearest demon.


Okay, so that is me handling my emotional grief on my source parent. Which is not my biological father, but my step-father. He is the only "father model" I have. And I'll tell you, he is a piece of work. Let me tell you a story. And if you pay attention, you can see the Cinderella issues that it caused my inner child for years.

Soldier and the Serving Boy

Gary expected me to be so grateful to him for my life, he also expected me to work for it. The fact that I was "serving" my parents by being the Parent-child was too much for me to deal with. The fact that I was stuck in a loop of Emotionally Unavailable people (mostly men) make sense to me. And further highlights the destructive behaviors of Dean Winchester. Fact is Dean will never be happy. There is nothing I could ever do to please Dean. As a girlfriend, wife, sister, daughter, you name it. The demons Dean hunts are projections of his own inner demons that he cannot conquer.

You're hunting the wrong demons, Dean. Therefore, you will never know peace.

Loki was right to get me to watch the show. I have a feeling that he knew I wouldn't make it to the end. Loki is a lot more forgiving in the self indulgent behaviors of the Winchester boys. He is also way more forgiving about being bashed on too. He knows and accepts the purpose of  the abuse. (Secretly, I do too. But I'm binging the show. He had the advantage of weekly shows. So it was small doses over a long time.)

I believe the Divine purpose has been for filled. The only thing I want to do now is walk away from all things pop culture. I have already done this deep down in my subconscious. This post is to tie up a loose end. Grade it and move passed it.

After 7 seasons, It gets an 'F'

But I get an 'A' for dumping that asshole and leveling up.


Saturday, January 15, 2022

A Supernatural Model of Behavior

 Okay, so I'm behind the times.

I have not watched Supernatural. I didn't "tune in" while it was popular. I did see the Indiana Apple
Orchard episode once though. The one with the Vanir Scarecrow. I'll be honest. I got mad at the episode because it was portraying my religion in a way I didn't agree with. And if I'm going to be honest I couldn't handle the heavy dose of testosterone and "Dad is the greatest. We gotta find him" thing. (Remember that my relationship with my male role models was horrible. Males being fatherly doesn't exist in my brain.) The car was an issue too.

But I wanted to see it with different eyes. I think I needed to be ready. I needed to find a time when I could be open to the idea that not all males are Narcissistic assholes. The funny part about that is I didn't open myself up to learning that until after my relationship with Loki.

 A little side note: I understand now that many times it isn't that males are narcissistic, it's that they are immature, little boys with a fear of growing up. I actually get it now. Our society historically being heavily patriarchal, there is far too much pressure on males to do it all. Being the "man in charge" sucks ass! But it is super easy for an immature male to run away from his physical responsibilities than a female. 

Because of my relationship with Loki and my fall from Stone's "Valhalla," I'm open to a closer look at the inner workings of males. I must take responsibility for my part in the "Year of Traumatic Mischief". Since I can't communicate or talk to anyone about it, I have to resolve it by looking into the Hollywood mirror of human behavior. This points to one of Loki's favorite shows, Supernatural. (I also understand that this will not be accurate. I must take it with salt. And that is effin funny!)

I do NOT want to talk about Sam. I like Sam. But he can be ~well, broody~ I have had my fill of broody with Angel. (Completely prefer Spike here.) So, that brings me to Dean. Yes, he is hot. Whatever. Moving on from that.

Here's is a bucket of stereotypical male behavior. This is what I was looking for. Dean dealt with his Dad's death in silence. He threw himself into repairing the car. He got mad at something completely different. Didn't want to talk about it with Sam. Sam and Dean fought about how Dean was processing the emotions. But because Dean wasn't talking about it Sam automatically assumed that he wasn't in a healthy grief cycle.

In this new age, Sam's way of processing grief has been normalized. Everyone is told to talk about it and if a person doesn't, then there must be something wrong with them. But this simply isn't true. Some people, not necessarily guys, don't want to talk about it. Not because they aren't processing but because they are! My male ancestors would understand this. But I have no older male relatives to normalize this for me. I did not understand what that looked like until I watched the first season of Supernatural. I can see it clearly now. It's a very masculine thing to do really. This is very opposite of the Feminine way of doing things. It's common for the feminine to talk about it; dump grief and trauma on anyone who will listen. (Please do NOT confuse feminine with the female and masculine with the male. In energy work and psychology it is not engendered!)

That was my mistake. I cannot tell you how sorry I am for it. I did not recognize that grief can be so silent. On the surface, it looks like disassociation and denial. It looks like apathy. Its mask is deceptive. A male who has worn this mask too many times can make it look easy to wear. The truth is that he is screaming inside. His insides look like my outsides but worse because those emotions are knocking around inside his personal rubber room. A captured tornado of bottled-up emotions behind a mask of safety.

I'm the lucky one. I'm a "girl." I can show those emotions however I like. Eventually, people shrug them off and excuse it with, "She's crazy." Or "It's her period." "Girls" are expected to be crazy. (There are times I look at "acceptable" human behavior rituals and ask myself how the eff someone could come up with that? Why is it that men aren't expected to have emotions but women are expected to over emote? And if either doesn't behave in that way they are wrong somehow?") Something that is just as messed up as is that this is informally accepted on all levels. If a person comes across another person who might appear a little stable in their head, that person will reject the possible healthy relationship for the unhealthy one knowing the unhealthy one is unhealthy! When women say, "Dudes will opt for the easy one." What they are really saying is that a man will choose the crazy one because that is what is expected out of him by Informal American Social traditions. Because girls can't take care of themselves in the "man's" world. And males can't be men unless they are taking care of a female that is just as immature as he is! (BOOM!)

I figure that is one of the many reasons why Dean keeps running from his emotions. It's because he has them; lots of wonderful, horrible, complicated feelings. They are pretty deep. Deans knows himself. When he lets that go, when he finds himself being emotionally intimate with someone, Dean is in love. (Doesn't have to romantic love, BTW. It can be a bromance, fraternal, paternal, whatever) That puts his heart in danger. In his line of work, that is super bad. He saw how it affected his Dad. He knows that he can't afford to appear weak like that. Sam has been protected his whole damn life. Sam has no idea what this means. That doesn't mean Sam is bad, spoiled, or entitled. That doesn't make him a bad guy. It makes him na├»ve and unknowing.

If I am ever going to be in a relationship ever again I need to be reminded that my [male relationship] does care whether I see or hear him behaving in that way or not. This is a huge thing for me because it involves trust. I have to trust and have faith that another person has value to me and I to them. That idea is extremely difficult for me to wrap my head around. But it isn't for Sam and Dean. Why?

They have each other. They built that relationship over time. Each invested a little at a time. They have a deep brotherly love. It's called Healthy Dependency. So this love helps them through the hard parts of their story. The long lonely drives. When they get bad-mouthed about helping. When they don't get a thank you for saving someone. When they run out of that "save the world because it's the right thing to do" bullshit. When their needs are small but so effin big they can't carry it. They turn to each other for strength. Eventually, Dean will talk to Sam, if Sam is patient enough. 

I did not truly understand this. Not really. And I'm sorry.

And it's too late.

I'll do better next time. Maybe I'll do a lot better. I'm hoping Dean will help.

Sunday, January 9, 2022

A shadow revealed!

The Video

Down in the Comments, I leave this little jewel of illumination:

What a great video! THANK YOU, Jen! I think this is why I have real problems finding friends. When another person I would like to connect too shuts down and doesn't reciprocate, I end up dumping on them. They aren't talking or sharing anything. So they become objects. I talk AT them. It is because I recognize silent rejection or the refusal of reciprocation. Which I perceive as "Abuse" (I do all the work and the other stares blankly into space. Like my mother, whom is guilty of emotional neglect) Super wow on me! But how would I go about making changes to this? What the hell does a "real" friendship look like? Or in this case, what does it sound like?

Here's the article Jen references in her video; which I will also make references too:

The Article!

What can I say? Sometimes it takes another person with the same disorder to point out to a person with the same disorder how stupidly blind they have been in the past. Oh, don't worry. I've developed a healthy sense of Narcissism. I forgive myself for past behavior on the understanding that I will do something about it. Trust me, I won't forget. Loki won't let me forget this one. I'm fairly clear this is one of the next steps I am to work transforming. He has a plan for me. And I am one of the few who are willing to play a crucial leadership role when he takes over the new timeline. So, its important for me to step it the hell up. (I'm joking about the timeline thing. I can't resist poking fun at myself for over aggrandizing. It helps to balance out the ego.) 

Being serious, I have to take a closer look at my behavior. In my case, most of my reactions and/or responses are based on childhood trauma. Actual trauma, not "My parents didn't get me a pony" or "I didn't get the exact toy I wanted for Christmas" bullshit. Real trauma like, "I have bruises, welts, and bleeding up and down my backside from the lashings because I didn't make mommy look good enough for school" kind of trauma. So, I would say a great deal of my interactions are based on whether or not I'm being understood. Or the feeling of being understood. This is a paramount issue for me. 

In childhood my feelings were very often devalued. It was also followed by a statement that sounded like "I don't actually feel [what I feel] because [the situation or scenario] that incited the feelings didn't actually happen". So, when I tried to talk about [thing, situation, or feeling] I was told that I was lying, crazy, or stupid. I was over punished in a number of ways. But in a combination of the usual ways, physical, emotional, or spiritual. This is how an adult creates a Borderline Personality Disorder in the first place.

This is important to know because of the difference between Trauma Dumping and Actual Trauma experience. However, in my case, I think there is a level of both. This is due to the lack of resources and knowledge. In my attempt to seek "help", there is a high level of dumping but the trauma being real. Since most people are unfamiliar with real extended trauma, this dumping leaves most people in a state of panicked empathy and thus induces silence. Not because they don't care, but because they DO care and have no fuckin clue what to say or do to "help" anyone in that situation. On the other side of things, if they stare blankly at me, I also interpret that to be what my mother does, "Not listening at all." I often connect this type of behavior to a cow, staring blankly and chewing cud while you try to connect to it. It isn't going to happen. The cow doesn't understand a thing you say, isn't trying, and isn't intelligent enough to understand. So, it stares at you, while its in its head listening to itself trying to decide if the grass tastes better on the right or on the left side of where you are standing. The cow and I may as well be on completely different planets of existence. So, why do I keep trying to connect?

Mystification [John Bradshaw, Creating Love]  "Every mother loves it offspring and will do anything to nurture and nourish its development." This is a lie we tell ourselves to save us from the idea that we are surrounded by evil. Because there is nothing we can do to correct the toxic behaviors of abusive adults. So, as I demystify I must admit that the medicine I require will NEVER be administered by my female biological donor. Instead it must be administered by the one person who loves me the best, Myself  I must become the mother my wounded inner child needs and desires. I must provide nurturing and nourishment for her. I must connect to my inner child and listen to her when others will not. On the surface, this appears to be an impossible task.

I must de-mystify myself to myself. This is NOT easy. But I can do it. I've been through worse. I can admit to myself, the gods, and humanity that in the past I have been an asshole. I can learn how to forgive myself and ask others to forgive me too. I can move on and sleep at night in the knowledge that I did the right thing for myself at the right time, with the knowledge I had at the time, and thus re-committed myself to the oath of going forth to do better. When I move on from this world and my real dad, Odin, askes me what I did with my life to make him proud of me and the breathe I was granted. I can honestly, with a full heart, answer that I lived my best life with my genuine self. Believe me when I say, the All-Father wants to hear it, know its true, and my words and deeds to back that statement up. He will be proud to know his claim and investment in me was not wasted. Which is what any father wants. 

So, what's first? Well:

"The things people who trauma dump are likely to complain about are more in the lines of Feeling abused by a demanding boss, partner, or friend, being single, the fear of getting Covid, being unattractive, outrage when one is overlooked or not noticed, paranoid feelings that others are talking about or plotting against me, and a general attitude that the world is against me." ~The Article [see above] 

 OK, sins highlighted.

All these things are true. But the fact that I could not process them is the sin here. My ego wants me to DO something about the negative emotions that are incited by the topics above. The need and desire to SOLVE them like some Sherlock or Poirot story. That comes from a very human reaction to find resolve or closure for the injustice brought about by these negative feelings. But the over indulgence of natural self soothing instincts is not ok. There is no excuse for it. I can only claim ignorance and desperation. The only benefit I can glean from this journey is that it might have not been a mistake. I had the ability to really grieve over these trespasses of my childhood. Because I blew up the way I did, I healed my inner child by allowing her to explode in the way that she did. Deep down, the explosion wasn't about a few years of negative stuff. It was about decades of suppressed bullshit. It is unfortunate that it all came out in a single year. It is also unfortunate about who got caught in the storm. They have no idea that this allowed so much healing and ascension for me personally. Perhaps someday I could tell them and thank them. Only time will tell.

The habit of oversharing certainly is not healthy. Especially since my World has turned and there is a promise of a new beginning. I can't be true to myself if I don't let go of the past to make room for the new. This means letting go of the old trauma. That means getting out of the habit of over sharing and, especially, over emoting. I have Borderline Personality Disorder. Over emoting, Emotional Dysregulation, unstable moods, that is what it means to be Border. Its not an excuse. Its my challenge to overcome. So, how do I do that?

"People turn to trauma dumping because they are told that sharing how they feel is a good thing, but not told how to process their emotions." ~The Article

It is average that I do not know HOW to process emotions. I didn't have the resources, tools, or knowledge at the time. That is exactly what I was looking for at the time, even though I didn't have the insight to label it that way. That is not an excuse. It is a challenge to overcome.

As the article continues, the author suggests many logical things. "Threat Brain" I can solidly confirm. I have a deep fear of being rejected and abandoned. (Thanks biological donor units. Both of you suck at being human) I don't like how it feels to be devalued. I have learned that being devalued puts my life in serious danger. It is so ingrained now that I will not ever get rid of that knowledge. So the "Dumping" becomes me trying to convince someone else that I have value. I matter. And I will tell you how and why I matter. I will beat you with it. As the article author says, it becomes a "Trauma Binge"

Well, this is how my brain works anyway.

I have been trying to over come this challenge of my disorder. Its difficult because I have absolutely no experience with "friendships" not real ones that include reciprocation factors in it. My longest relationship is with a person who never makes an effort to involve herself with me. I'm the one who has always reached out to her. But she is there when I need her. She has made it very clear this is how it goes down. I guess I'm ok with it because the relationship is so old. Bottom-line is, there is no reciprocation here. I do absolutely nothing for this woman. Nothing

The relationship with my friend Al is the same way. Now that she has a boyfriend, there is not really any relationship between us now. So much so a few weeks ago, she called to "break up" with me. I think it was because I told her she was moving to fast with the new guy. Less than 3 months into a relationship and she is asking me about getting married. I told her the truth. Yes, you are moving too fast! Well, I'm not supposed to be honest with people I love? Truth be told, I wouldn't know!

My friend Mandy has proven that she will listen and help with me but if she needs someone, I'm not it. She likes me. I know she does, but its pretty damn clear she won't be reciprocal in the relationship. My current family situation is the same. There is not very much moral support happening there. The only group I have had the courage to join is a running group with a drinking problem. They run between beers. I can't drink like that every weekend. I won't do it either. Peer pressure doesn't work on me very well.

The point here is that I currently have one slightly reciprocal relationship. This relationship is based on a Devotedly Passionate love of Loki. We are both active and practicing Pagans, Loki being the focus of much of our Divinely Focused practice. We are both nerdy fan girls of the Doctor. We both are crafty and love to brew. So, witchy stuff ahoy! The problem is that I do so much of the talking. She does share some things but not on my level. She assures me that she likes the fact that I talk. I have been practicing longer than her. I am teaching her so much. But that's not much of a friendship is it? It is a teacher/student relationship. I highly value this connection. I know Loki sent me to her for purpose. However, this serves him and it serves her. Does it truly serve me? Or am I dumping on her too?

Now let's talk about my worst "relationship". I will call her, Chair. I have known "chair" for a very long time. When Chair was younger, Chair had a favorite passion for Final Fantasy. Chair did not have anyone to talk to about it. Personally, I fuckin hate final fantasy with a deep passion. But I swallowed that for Chair. I learned about FF. I often spoke to Chair about it. This made Chair so happy! Chair would go on smiling and laughing. I was happy to help Chair be happy. Chair was absolutely shocked the day Chair found out my deep hate for Final Fantasy. Chair asked, "But if you hate it so much, why do you talk with me about it so often?" I said, "Chair, it makes YOU happy. That's why. You are my friend. You matter. That means the stuff you like matters too. So, I learned about FF. So I could talk about it with you." This was my attempt at building an intimate relationship with my friend.

Many years later and much hard work later, Chair has done NOTHING to reciprocate in the slightest. My side of the bridge is mostly built, while Chair sits on the other side bitching about how Chair's life sucks. And not doing anything about that either. Zero has been done on the side of Chair. I have so little respect for Chair, Chair is an object now. Chair betrayal to me and herself has demoted Chair's value in my eyes to the point of the value of  old, ugly, worn out furniture. The kind of object one keeps around because it belonged to grandpa. Not because you loved that grumpy old fart, but because grandma did. And SHE was the one who kept it around. That old Chair made grandma smile occasionally, so we keep it in the dining room in the dark corner next to the hutch.

That illuminates the "object" problem. Now, I have a better understanding of why I treat people as objects from time to time. It is because my wounded inner child has identified that person as dangerous. "Threat Brain" has demoted them to objects so I do not put any energy into them. Because I require reciprocation in my relationships. This is who I am. This is my disorder. Is that ok?

Yes. Because it is not my job to people please. You will like me and reciprocate enough to show it or you won't. If you don't, I do not have to treat you well. I'm not under any obligation to treat anyone "well" or "nice". It is a choice that I make. 

However, this is NOT a popular stance to take. For example, when I disagree with the popular kid, I will pay the price regardless of what or how I pose my disagreement. Especially if the popular kid thought I would always agree with him all the time. It hurts to hear that someone you really like will dump you in a New York Minute if you disagree with them on any issue after they have assured you and a huge group of people that he would never do such a thing and actively encouraged the rhetoric. The secret there was that he really didn't mean what he said. He needed  his yes men at the time because he was going through the shit too. It later occurred to me that this person was ALSO Trauma Dumping but in the traditional fanboy way. He can't share his crap, so he got mad at Disney and all the other IPs of note to give himself an excuse to rage into the Youtube channel. This is socially acceptable cognitive dissonance but completely off the mark. The distraction will prevent him from proper healing if he doesn't understand this very big piece of insight. Its easy to get lost in the Peer Group and behind the mask if that person isn't mindful. I fear that for him? You bet. But there isn't a damn thing I can do about it. Besides, I wouldn't know how to "help" him if he asked. But I love that asshole anyway. 

I don't know how to socially function. There is no resource for me on this one. I have put in some thought and the only answer I can come up with is what the problem is ~isolation. And I think this is what some of our modern problem is. Most of us do not know what a real relationship looks or sounds like. So we accept the toxicity of the relationships we do have or live toxic isolation from fear. At the very least, I can truly say I made an attempt. It failed miserably but I put fear behind me stepped out and exploded terribly before retreating back under my rock. 

I still don't have the answer to this issue. But I can promise, I am still working on it. And I'm closer to learning how to share every time I fail rather than not trying at all. So, I forgive myself again. I'm still proud of me. Because I'm a brave tough bitch. Failing in front of the class and still keeping my head up, not many can do that. Regardless of the amount of relationships a person has.

Was this a dump?

Hell no it wasn't.

It was self validation and confirmation of upward growth. Well done me.

May the force be with you. For all Time. Always.

Sunday, December 12, 2021

Loki Red-Stripe prt 1

 Hearing me talk, you may get the impression that I'm a firm believer of sunshine from Loki's butt. This is incorrect. Like most males of his kind, they completely believe the statement 'I'm so wonderful sunshine glows from my butt'. It's not that they make it a point to be massive pricks, but they, at times, will overstate the value of their inner divinity. This is why the Divine Source commanded that they could no longer be Eternal and switched things up by making them Immortal. Of course, that was brought about by Loki. He interpreted his annihilation of the Eternal and the total destruction of the old ways as imperial evidence of his brilliant magnificence. This idea was overfed to him by his own mind. So as you can see his ego has a special way of being overfed, and thus fallible. I know this. I accept and respect it. It is one of his biggest character flaws. So, I talk about the other wonderful things about him, while giving him the side-eye and reminding him he is guilty of making mistakes. Or remind him of how stupidly human he can be by loudly pointing out minor character flaws like his terrible diet and lack of adulting.

Those points aside, one of the most beautiful things about Loki is his strange ability to meta-weave himself through the fabric of space and time. (Space-time for those who are boring and without the romantic poetry gene). There was a memory that surfaced recently that triggered this in me. If there is one thing in this world I can do, it's talk about Loki. Becuase that is how I love him from far away.

Speaking of love, it's that very thing that brings me to this tale. It was a long time ago somewhere in the grasslands of the Asian continent. I was an Amazon maiden. I had encountered one by the name of Loki Red-Stripe. So named for the thick warrior's stripe of blazing red hair on his head. I fell deeply in love
with him. He was traveling with his band of warriors to wreak havoc along some trail his uncle had claimed. In other terms, border patrol. When warriors get bored, they will always eventually end up looking for booze and woman. (Remember this. It's important)

Our tribe, being nomadic, bumped into their borders. Of course, it started out as a fight but nature took over when they discovered we were a scouting/hunting party of women who also had been away from the tribe too long. The fight ended with everybody getting naked and frolicking; which is a much better and efficient way of spending time away from home.

Loki and I spent a few days together. We went hunting, fishing, and swimming. Spent the nights with more frolicking, then we parted ways. Sad that we probably would never see each other again.

Fast forward sometime later, our chieftess decided to settle down near a new land. This wasn't odd. There was some unrest in the East. There was a rising danger to the South. We needed to settle to fortify ourselves. We chose a spot near some great hills in the northwest but east of the Volga River. As we began to build our new settlement, here come some warriors to drive us off. They came at us from across a grass field, weapons drawn, screaming berserking battle cries. And then completely dumfounding the war chief as a few of them grabbed some of our warriors and kissed them full on the mouth!

Lo! How lucky can one bitch be in a single lifetime! There is Loki, standing beside the war chief on the horse. He looks around at some fighting and some fucking (willingly mind!) Takes a deep breath as shock rolls over him, figures it out, then calls off the attack. The war chief on the horse starts to object but Loki turns his axe to the flat blunt side and whacks the man off his horse. Why fight when you know for sure diplomacy will work out for the benefit of two tribes? I have never known a Loki to pass the opportunity to talk his way out of something. Especially, if it is in his best interest. I know he thought that because he was eyeballing me from across the field commanding everybody to stand down.

Turns out he is a bit of a lordship in his tribe. His uncle is the big man in charge. His cousin, who loves him dearly, is next in line to lead. I guess a bitch can get lucky a lot in a single lifetime.

Unless other people have different ideas. Like the Chieftess of my tribe. She wants a couple of her daughters to get married into his family. Expectedly, uncle wants to marry off some of his sons. However, his heir is already taken and his other sons are not old enough to be wed. This leaves nephews. This points to Loki.

Here's a secret about Loki. It's a flat-out war if someone tells Loki what to do with his heart. He absolutely cannot be forced into marriage for any reason. A king cannot convince him of his "civic duty". He cannot be bought or tricked. Loki will not surrender his heart on command. Loki will act out like an animal causing terrible things to happen in his panicked distress to defend his heart.

Uncle did not care for his behavior and threatened him. At this news, Loki went and got himself absolutely wasted. In his drunken madness blurted that I was the reason for his reluctance. This news reached Uncle and Chieftess. I was sent away for a time on a trading caravan heading south into the outskirts of the Persian Territories. This actually turned out to be a really good thing to happen.

While I was gone, I sought to soothe myself with some culture. I sat with storytellers, loremasters, and sages. I transported myself to the realms of Gods and Djinns as often as I could. I learned all that I could on my travels there and back again.

Meanwhile, back home, Loki has reluctantly married. He didn't abuse her, but he did emotionally abandon her. As tradition demanded, he nailed her enough times to get her pregnant. Then simply ignored her existence. This was not a good thing. She died during childbirth along with the child. Loki may have not loved her but Loki is a serious guy about fatherhood. Every Superior Variant is. This trait is one of the most important traits needed to be a Loki variant. Losing his would-be child, struck him hard. He blamed himself for her declining well-being and eventual death. After all, she wasn't all that happy to be wed to him either. It was a political thing for both. She truly had deserved better treatment from him. Loki did not handle the regret well.

A little while after that, the community experienced some windfalls. A plague swept through. Followed shortly by a raid from rivals from the west. During this series of unfortunate events, Loki lost family members; namely his uncle and his cousin. Several children were taken during the sickness. In short, that left Loki as the man who would be king.

When I returned, he was a single man with abundant lands and livestock. He had inherited the lodge and all the servants. Loki was transformed into the eligible bachelor. Which sounds great except that he also inherited all the pressure to go with it!

Mothers and fathers were shoving their daughters (and sons!) at him. (Not that it was a big deal. But that the numbers of the community were low and they needed every person to reproduce. Since the community was a little confused by Loki, because he can be gender fluid, they offered him one to marry and one to fuck at his whim and as needs must. Which is a normal thing at the time.)

Of course, there was pressure from the elders for him to marry well. And this time they backed off on a specific who. That much loss is hard for any person. The last thing they needed was an uncooperative leader. There was work to be done and decisions to make. They did not want to risk the unraveling psyche of a Loki. Government must move on, regardless of personal stuff.

There was a serious food shortage when we returned. So, when we came back happiness and stability returned. The stores were filled up to tide us over. More warriors for the hunting party is always a boon. In addition, we returned with unwilling help that was in desperate need. (Remember this is a super long time ago.) The community was seeing hope again.

Loki, on the other hand, was angry that I had left. Another thing that a real Loki variant will do is hold a grudge for way too long. Betrayal hurts him deeply because he loves so deeply. That's why he will betray another first if he gets the hint of a thought of shenanigans. He gets really stabby. (Which I have heard is ok because its Russia) In my case, it was a metaphorical stabby from his dagger-like stare I received every time I was near him.

Loki was also angry at my refusal to "fight for him". He was constantly surrounded by a group of romantic hopefuls. I made no effort to chase him or fight off the group. I said nothing. I did nothing. So, Loki took that to mean I had fallen out of love. The real truth was that I was exhausted from the trip and needed rest. I needed healing.

Loki needed healing too. But couldn't seem to find the best medicine. Because of my lack of interest, he decided to be a complete tart. He started to act out. Drinking, whoring, eating, hunting, everything a male considers to be pleasurable a few thousand years ago. No matter what he did, he couldn't seem to be satisfied or filled. Loki likes pleasure but he will also quickly bore of it. And that's dangerous, a bored Loki.

Now, he can't sleep. Loki is burnt at both ends. He is miserable. During this misery, he tries to distract himself with stories from the south. So, he sneaks into a thrall's gathering and listens to the fabulous tales of the south. He is filled with inspiration as he is told of thieves, genies' lamps, magic carpets, and words that open concealed doors that lead to hordes of gold. Loki sees hope that a person, a king even, could hear a thousand tales and rise again, transformed and healed.

After the gathering cleared away for the night, the disguised Loki approached the seated storyteller. The figure was shadowed by the dying fire and the oversized draped hood.

"Skald, do you truly believe in the tales you repeat? Do you think a man may find restoration in folktales?" asked Loki.

"A man will find whatever he desires most if he listens to stories and hears the voice of the Gods within it. But a man must set aside pride and ego for a little time each night to listen with the heart of a child. Not many are brave enough for this task. It means opening the heart and being vulnerable to one's own darkness. Only in this way can we see the lighted path ahead and be healed," said the skald.

"A brave man only dies but once, a coward will die a thousand times. I am brave," said Loki.

"Is that what you believe?" chuckled the skald.

"How can it be different?"

"Because brave men die just as many times as a coward, the difference is that the brave man is reborn into a better world. The coward remains buried in his own darkness, doomed to repeat it eternally. Brave men are granted immortality." said the skald.

Loki paused in thought. The smoldering embers cracked and popped as the fire cooled in the night air. A light spray of red ash flew up. It turned grey as the breeze caught it and cast it away into the starry sky. "It's clear you are speaking not in terms of flesh but in terms of spirit and mind. I can sense its merit and value though I can't see it as clearly as I would like." Loki sat down on the ground near the fire facing the hooded skald. "Let me speak plainly. I know I'm in a bad place. Here," he pointed at his chest. "I don't know what to do about it. I'm willing to try anything. I need new medicine."

"It's dangerous for a doctor to try a new medicine with a king, regardless of what kind of medicine it is. Powerful men are impatient. Sometimes they lack insight and intuition. If powerful men do not see results immediately, it is common that he murders the one who provides the medicine. In my story, the concubine is threatened with death if she does not deliver a story to the king every night for a thousand nights. The truth is that this is an exaggeration. The lie is to exhibit the lengths one would go to out of love. It also speaks that healing takes as long as it takes. It could be a day of inspiration or it could be a full lifetime. But truly in life, one thousand nights is not necessary. Nor the threat of death. As a matter of truth, the threat of death is counter to the heart of the exercise."

"What do you mean?"

The skald took a deep breath. "Loki, I can't give you my secrets just as the Gods can't give away the answers. A supplicant must experience them or it has no meaning. Forcing another with the threat of death takes away the intent of the person who is administering the medicine. It must be done out of love, not fear. That is part of the medicine."

After a moment, Loki nodded his head. "I do understand your meaning there. I don't only need medicine, I need a loving person to administer it. Someone true." He paused and lowered his head. "Where could I find someone like that? I feel that all who love me have abandoned me or died. Who is left?"

"Loki, you are so wrapped up in your grief you have not been mindful or observant at all. Come out of your head and look at me,"said the skald.

Loki looked up at the hooded skald. His eyes wandered up and down the cloaked figure sitting in the dim red light. "I'm looking. What am I supposed to see?"

"By the Nine, Loki, if you can't see it yet, return tomorrow night, and look again." The hooded figure let loose an exasperated sigh, stood up, and turned away.

Having witnessed such an exchange, I shook my head. It's common for a stressed and distressed Loki to be blind to his own current standing in the world. But the most important truth here is that until he dug himself out of his own inner turmoil, nothing and nobody could help him with or without good medicine. So, I walked away in fear. I was frightened that he would not return. Fearful he wouldn't rise against his own pride and ego to fight for himself. In tears that I could do nothing except wait and watch for his next move.


Sunday, December 5, 2021

A box of Lessons

I have a box of Lessons Learned

That living tight me with each cycle turned

In the box, they keep tight enclosed

To Spin and Join, To be composed

So at the end, when pulled back out

A Story of Lessons Learned throughout

Saturday, December 4, 2021

Holy Elements for Cleansing

 The basic premise for cleansing is to use Holy elements. 

Holy Air

A practitioner doesn't have to use Holy smoke or Holy oil. These cover the element of Air. There are 3 other elements to choose from. (also, alternative Air elements you can use. For example, a blessed hand fan. I have 5 or 6 each a different color combo. My alter has three alone.)

Holy Earth.

What do you think that salt is for on your alter? Use the Holy Earth by sprinkling it on your objects to bless it. I also have a container of sand. This container is used for holding my intense, but that ash is Holy ash. I mix it into my sand. And I use that Holy Earth to bless my feet when I need extra grounding power! You don't have to use your ashes from incense, (since you don't want to do intense) just get some sand. Flowers and herbs are great for cleansing as well. Scatter dried flowers and herbs if you can stand it.

Potted plant. Your mom will never suspect a houseplant to be pagan. But it can be.

Holy Water

What do you think that goblet is for, youngling? The water (or wine) on your alter is there for a reason, use it! Sprinkle it where you need it,

A picture or figurine of a water creature on your wall or shelf. Can be kept on the down-low up high. (lolZ)

Or a small watering can. You need a watering can for your houseplant right?

Holy Fire

Your Athame is a fire element. Use it for blessing what you will using its Holy Fire ability. Light is also Holy. I have some suncatchers in my window. They are blessed and when the sun shines through, it cascades Holy Rainbows over my sacred space.

Go kitchen witch, use a wooden spoon as a wand. Keep it in the kitchen drawer. She'll never know.

USe Christain Iconography to hide your true faith. Our ancestors did it and it isn't stealing because they stole it from us first, Take back your culture! The Hanging Jesus is actually Odin on the tree. Virgin Mary is actually Frigga or Freya. The BAby Jesus is BAlder or Vali (depending on whether you are an Odinist or Lokian)

Invoke Your Inner Loki and be creative in your craft. Cunning magic always pleases the Gods.