The Box

Disclaimer: Warning! I am angry. This is going to be a rant about 'stuff' and in this episode, I don't care about anyone's feelings except my own. If you don't agree then leave or suck it, either way I need to vent. Deal with it.

Currently, I'm fully encapsulated in The Box. Now that it's over, I want to thank the Administration for a very thorough job. I don't think there has been anything more dreadful you could do to push the nation forward. The Plan is working on that end. Well done.

-The Plan-

Recently caught a glimpse of Amy Acker and Michael Emerson in 'Person of Interest', Root (that was me) said, "She has a plan." (That also was me) That plan is unfinished business on my end. So, now I'm worried that I won't be able to leave. Prouneikos is getting angry.

It takes a really long time for her to feel angry. She is patient beyond my understanding. It doesn't feel good when I feel her end of things. Her hand is placed firmly against my back. She wants to push me forward, but she also knows there is nowhere for me to go. So she is holding herself back. She is not used to waiting. Sophia is way worse than me on that score. Like, how can you be a patient god yet not patient at the same time? It's contradictory. Sophia tells me to shoosh, which is her gentle way of saying, "Shut up, Wesley." (I usually do not use that phrase. But since it's coming out of my head to me, I accept its use here.)

I'm the human here who has to feel all this. These enormous feelings I have to feel on her behalf suck flat ass. She has spent all this time developing me; she doesn't want it wasted. Probably because I'm her servant/daughter and she actually cares for my well-being. (Unlike some other ungrateful asshole god that has a huge following for unknown reasons.) Parents know that you can try and raise your kid right, and that kid will still grow up to be an asshole and it's not your fault. Like Rob Reiner's kid. Effing jerk-ass kilt his dad before I could ever get in a 'hello, how are ya.' (Just so you know, ya little toad face, Creation thinks you are a waste of humanity and you will be reverted back to essence to have a go at it again. Personally, I would rather feed you to Ammit. But she won't do it and Osiris won't let her anyway. He says I can't hold my feelings over your chances at ascension. So we have to give you another chance. That's why he's the judge and not me. I would've handed your ass over to the Well of Urd. So, deathbed conversion will not help you. Get bent, you toothless, hairless, bow-legged, biscuit-eating, stinky troll-faced human centipede monster! I hope you gag on prison food! Yaldabaoth thinks he's a swell guy, is amused, but also will not interfere with the punishment because he thinks it's funny. Which only further validates the point of asshole children!)

I feel stuck and unmoving. Money is tight here. I wanted to go to Meeple-a-thon in Kansas City. But I didn't want to go as a Gamemaster. Here in Leavenworth the game sucks real bad. I've been trying to build a group, but fanboys don't want it. Hell, even going to conventions, I can't get a group going, but I see others playing just fine. I think, "How many people know who I am?" There is NO way they know who I am. Why do people stay away from me? I'm not that bad. What am I, Casper the Ghost? If you don't already have an in-group to play with, you ain't getting a game in.

I recently tried to do a ladies-only game. I had 3. Then, 2 backed out at the last minute. When I asked them, they responded with, "It was a good idea at the time, but I'm not interested anymore," which is fine, but seriously, on my end, this blows. I just want to play.

Well, I can't do that either. Well, I could, but I can't express how much I hate Vampire: The Masquerade. I can't play something I don't like. Warhammer is out of the question—no money there either. Pokémon is the other choice, and that's a hard pass. I can't. If it's not an authentic desire, I can't do it.

So, I'm right back in the box again. I'm in my bed for most of the day. Coffee doesn't get me out of it anymore. I simply do not give or take any fuqs at all. I have zero reason to exist. And yet... let me go on, like a blister in the sun. There is only 1 song playing on my Walkman, and you know what that song is.

Do I stay or do I go? I'm right back where Gary and Della put me in the beginning. Only it isn't me or them this time, it's the entire USA. The WORLD! As far as I know, I have been forgotten, stolen from, and thrown out like yesterday's diaper. I see me all over YouTube, all over the cinema, all over streaming—I'm EVERYWHERE! HIDDEN! I have to watch other people enjoy the seeds that I threw out into the world and watch them be happy. Are they not going to return? Are they seriously going to sail around my island and not stop for me? It's the same ship. I know they can see me on the beach waving at them. Are they not coming back? I guess not. How can I overcome this level of rage?

No one can. No human or god can. The only answer is for Sophia to go back to sleep and the human to jump from the cliff she was waving from. Betrayal on the world stage is way too much to bear. She must go to sleep and wait for the day her husband will finally come home (oh, he won't by the way. He fuqed off a long time ago). The Pleroma can't descend. What lies in the heart of humanity can go out. Humans can make choices to make their own fire go out. Did you know that?

Maybe that's why I'm finally angry at my sister. I was the stronger one. But I felt stronger with her. She is gone. Her mother took her away too many times. Her mother is selfish and unthinking, too. There was a reason her mother and my mother were best friends. (Dude, don't ask, ok.) Her long-time boyfriend showed his colors as well. I take back what I said. That I wanted the same type of relationship as her. Oh, I take it back so hard. I didn't get angry with him at the funeral. I didn't lay blame on him then. But now that it's over and I'm ready to be angry, I do blame him, and for good reason. Let me tell you a secret...

January 2024. Before my surgery. I got a midnight phone call from Tosh. She was so drunk. I have heard her drunk before, but this time was awful. She was crying. Tosh was the only one in the house with a job. Donny, Orion, Nash, Nash's new wife, the new baby, and Sebastian all lived there. None of them had a job, none of them were cleaning the house, none of them were supporting the other. Donny has made a career of staying up all night long, blasting his music and partying. Unbeknownst to me, he had been doing this for the full 20-some years of them being together. Donny didn't have a career. He mostly stayed a few months at a fast-food joint only to quit later claiming, "The boss is a dickhead" (I remember that excuse. Tosh had been covering him the whole time. She had been lying about her relationship status). I understand why Athena left. In Athena's room, the speaker in the living room was against the wall. This created an echoing space in the house, especially in that room, that prevented a person from sleeping. When I told this to Donny, he 'turned it down,' but I assure you, he did not care that it still resonated like the Great Pyramid of Egypt or the choir space in the Notre Dame. Athena, who went to school and danced, has a full schedule. She wasn't getting sleep anymore in that room. Tosh didn't put her foot down. So the minute she was old enough, Athena bounced out.

(I told Tosh in that phone call that if she wanted to know the real Donny, she need to give him an ultimatum. Get a job or get out. Here's what will happen. Once he figures out you are deadly serious, and realizes he has nowher to go, he will either 1. get a job and keep it. or 2. Hurt himself in some way that he won't be able to work. He won't S***de but he will "accidently' get injured so he will appear blameless in the work area. In January of 2025, Donny realized how serious Tosh was and got himself hurt. Tosh was heartbroken.)

Orion has spent his time on Discord gaming. Not for a channel. Just because he is angry and doesn't know why. He has a terrible mouth on him. I imagine he would fit right into Letterkenny with his level of chirp. All night, every night. Gaming. That's what he is doing right now. Nash tried to start a channel for income because he couldn't find employment. And his wife had a part-time job at Taco Bell, at night, so she could sleep in the daytime for obvious reasons. But regardless of the time of day, NOBODY was taking care of that house. Tosh was buying groceries and working full-time. I assure you that house was trashed. And if it weren't for the only blessing, they would have been out. That blessing? Her mother's husband owned the house they were 'renting.' Tosh was constantly late with rent, IF she even had the rent to give. I promise that if she were living anywhere else, they would have been tossed out on their asses long ago.

But finally Tosh had snapped. She called me that night to lay out all the lies that she had been telling me for years about her real living situation. She told me she was tired and didn't know what to do. Tosh was absolutely at her bottom.

She was finally ready. And so was I.

"Because you are miserable, Tosh! Why do you think you are drunk right now?" I said to her. "It's time to let that dragon out and become a bitch. Get yourself cleaned up and let's go to Hollywood where we were supposed to go in the first place!" (That's the short, short version.)

Let's go way back to when Tosh and I were four years old....

Kokomo, Indiana. North Market Street. 1980. We lived on a dead-end street near the old AT&T building. My next-door neighbor still had the old phone operator switchboards in her home. (She was disabled.) Tosh and I lived across the street from one another. So we saw each other daily. Here's the problem:

Gary.

Glen hated Gary with a very deep passion. Everyone hated Gary—except Della. Tosh was not allowed over at my house—ever. So I went over to Tosh's all the time, because like everyone else, I hated Gary. I remember I asked Glen to be my dad. He said he would try his best. I said he was better than my dad. (You see, I was forbidden to call Gary anything but Dad. I found out the hard way. Della would scream and cry, Gary would come running, I would be taught a lesson in respect.) Tosh adopted me outright. In secret, we became 'blood-sisters.' She snuck out a thumbtack. And during some very dangerous years, we pricked our fingers and pressed them together. (Who taught us that? I honestly have no effing clue. Was it a story from my grandmother? I was 4. You tell me.) But that made us sisters forever. We were gonna practise dancing. Then, when we were old enough, we would run away and join the circus, make our way to Hollywood. There we would become famous tap dancers.

Again, I'm 4 years old! Personally, I don't give two shits what someone is gonna say about this. Its true. And I'll fight anyone who wants to argue that 4-year-olds don't think this way. Well, I had to grow up and learn really fast or get beat. So, yes they do, and fuck you. When it's survival, a 4-year-old WILL do what is necessary.

Here's the problem: Gary needed absolute silence all the time. And since everything was always about Gary, he got what he wanted all the time. Let me give you an example: when I was very young, like 2, my grandmother gave my mother an electric organ. It was for me. When I got older, and ready to start learning, it was my grandmother's desire that I learn to play it. I wanted to learn tap and piano. We couldn't afford a piano. But somehow, my grandmother had gotten an organ instead. My mother brought it home and showed it to me. I got excited. So, at some point, I figured out how to plug it in and started to play with it. MISTAKE! Gary comes rampaging into my room and beats me senseless for 'making too much noise.' For the next 14 years, we took that organ everywhere we moved; not once did I learn to play or play it at all. Why carry that thing around if I'm not allowed to play it? Why give me the responsibility to take care of something I'm not allowed to learn or play for any reason ever? Fuck you, Gary.

But it wasn't Gary, was it? Ask yourself something: who was really in charge here? Who ran this house? Was it really Gary? No. It wasn't. It was Della.

Tosh and I, in secret, met everyday in the alleyway to try to learn to dance. I practised with her every chance I got, even if she wasn't there, I still would practise if there was a chance. Often this happened at my grandmother's house where it was safe. But that was brief.

I got in trouble and was put in my room. When I got out, I went across the street to Tosh's. They were gone. They had moved out. I asked my mother what happened. She said, "I don't know." I got mad and got in trouble again. Back into the room. I came back out only to go to Grandma's house. My parents had a raging party to get to. So, I got dropped off at Grandma's house. Big mistake.

I knew how to cross streets and walked my little ass down to Dixie's house. Dixie is Tosh's grandmother. I knocked on her door and asked to see Tosh. "Tosh is in New York."

"What's New York?"

"Another state. Jessica, didn't anyone tell you Valery is moving to New York? She's taking Tosh with her. She found a new husband."

NO. Jessica didn't get told jackshit. Dixie just slowly shoved the door and left me to cry on the steps of her house. I don't think she knew what the fuck to do.

My hope didn't leave, though. I still practiced dancing. My sister got born. I was maybe five at this point? Not sure, it gets pretty fuzzy here. But I was over at Grandmother's house watching a Shirley Temple movie. I was trying to imitate her. The movie had a butler in it. There was a stairway they danced up and down. My grandmother was clapping and smiling. We were having fun. Until Della and Gary came back early to get me and Misha.

They walked through the door and stopped dead, watching me in front of the television dancing. Della yells, "Stop that! I won't have you doing that n—-[word] shit in the house!"

Grandmother replies, "Damn, Della May, can you be more racist?" My grandmother was born and raised in the deep south of Arkansas. (It is my shame that I am related to some white hoods. I, myself, am not nor will ever be. Many of the current family members are not. But historically speaking, and again I'm ashamed of it, there are some nasty people who share my blood.) For a deep-southern-born white woman from Arkansas to give this exclamation... well... you math it.

I respond with, "I have to practise dancing. When Tosh comes back, we are going to join the circus and go to Hollywood to be dancers."

Della isn't just high, she is fucking high. "Tosh isn't coming back."

"Yes she is! She will come back!"

Gary yells at grandmother. Della yells at me. Grandmother yells at Della. My aunt appears yelling, my uncle appears yelling. Chaos ensues and I'm left standing in the middle of the whole fucking thing crying. When I get home, I am 'taught a lesson.' Tosh isn't coming back. I'm not going to dance. I'm not going anywhere. I'm sent to my room. The BOX.

I never really leave it. And that was the first time Tosh was taken away. They are all guilty AF.

Tosh and I forgot about that as we grew up. I wrote; Tosh really didn't write back. It was a very one-sided relationship. I know why. Val kept my letters from her. I don't know why. And of course, she played stupid. She still does.

The second time, Tosh took herself away. Basically, she stayed with Donny. I moved away the same year she came back to Kokomo. She never said she was coming back. Sardonic and sad.

She had finally had enough of Donny. He was almost 50 and still didn't have steady employment. He was smoking about a pack a day of Marlboros (any smoker will tell you that is BIG money there) and Tosh was paying for it. He didn't support her. She had been drinking for some time now, not being able to understand why she was angry, sad, and miserable. But she kept running from her own grief about what happened when we were little. She hated her mother. Tosh kept that in a bottle. She kept most things bottled.

Our parents removed our Divine Purpose, Tosh. We were supposed to be dancers! You are angry about that. Why do you think you pushed Athena so hard to dance? (This is true. Athena worked her little tookis off from about 6 to 16 dancing. Tosh was a 'dance mom' and loved that show.) By the time I remember this for myself, it was too late for me, too. But that doesn't mean we can't reclaim our destiny. Someone is supposed to come back for me. I'm going to Hollywood to create joy for millions. Clean yourself up and let's go! Together, like we were meant to do all those years ago. Stop putting up with Donny's bullshit! You can't tell me you lost the house in Colorado because of something that Donny didn't do. It's Donny's fault you're back in Kokomo. And the house the bank took is worth millions of dollars! Millions! Donny cost you millions of dollars and some wasted years of your youth. Kick those ungrateful fucks out of your house, get clean, and let's go!"

And she did. Tosh actually did. She started to clean up, she had it out with Orion and Donny, she had it out with her mother... only to die this year in April. On Good Friday.

I lost her twice that year. Eight in Stranger Things is based on Tosh. We lost Eight in January. I lost Tosh in April. The only Tosh I have left is found in Scrubs (2026), as Tosh the intern. That character is based on real Tosh. Tosh worked in the medical field for most of her adult life. I watch her and Elliot banter, and it makes me happy, even if for a moment.

So, I go to the funeral. Tosh has been cremated, which is fine. But me and other relatives ask Val for some of her ashes. Val says no. Tosh has been sealed in the urn. There is no way to get a little bit out. I'm not even given a fuckin picture of her. Val made sure that no other person, save herself, could have Tosh. Fucking bitch. You took her agian. I'm allowed to be angry at Val now. The ONLY comfort I have on that is the knowlegde that Val beleives that Tosh did a deathbed conversion and is proud of that. Well, Val I have some news for you. Tosh did that becuase I asked her to. For you. To help YOU. Not her. Tosh did that for YOU. Tosh knows your relgion is bupkiss and foolery. But she wanted YOU to have peace. I hope I took that from you, you cunt. You know why? Thats right. Becuase you are a SELFISH BITCH WHO TOOK TOSH AWAY AGIAN! FUCK YOU AND YOUR COMFORT! I HOPE YOUR GUILT IS CARRIED BEYOND THE GRAVE. YOU AND DELLA DESERVE EACH OTHER.

I thought maybe at the very smallest I could go make joy and magic. But there has not been a return. My hope switch has been flicking back and forth for some time and I can't seem to keep the light on. It's even harder knowing what I know.

And I'm so angry and sad. I thought for sure there would be relief or something. Anything bright on this side. It's still very painful.

And now, I have just learned that Meeple-a-thon has been canceled completely. The entire charity is over. I'm sad about that, too. That could not support the charity I suggested in the first place. I'm sorry. We have officially achieved burnout.

Yeah. I guess that's it. Burnout. Anger without fury or tears. Sadness without grief or lamentation. Moving forward without purpose or motivation. Just silence and emptiness.

And nothing more.