Marvel-ous Loki
Disclaimer: DUDE! You may not like what I write here. Nobody is forcing you to read this. Is it real? Who knows! AM I Nutz? Probably. Who gives a turd! Have a laugh or don't. CUE the crazy!
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| Loki will also resolve/redeem reality. You're Welcome! |
memory, but not a full one. (Trust me, RDJ is gonna kill it insert maniacal laugh.) I'm gonna catch the movie at AMC on the 18th.
I didn't want to say it until I was sure, but hey! Loki is back... uh, sorta.
He's been back a few days. He just casually popped in, ran around a little bit, got very chatty, then settled. I think he was expecting to timeslip again, but it has been 48 hours or so, and nothing.
He says that he has it on "autopilot" now. There are times when he zones out—like he's here but not, if that makes any sense. I asked him what the hell was going on, and he answered that it has gotten a whole lot easier to manage the threads than before. He's sorry that he had to... well, prune by proxy, but the whole multiverse has gotten better to handle recently. That means I'm pretty sure I know the ending of Doomsday, which means the Doctor has fulfilled his Divine Purpose effectively. I have NOT been informed whether the Doctor survives; Loki said I should still have some surprises to look forward to.
Now, look. I said I would "know" without knowing about what is going down in the narrative, but I had no idea how weird it would really be as it unfolded. I'm really certain this is some kind of divine... uh, bullet-point plan that has somehow become reality. I'm still dealing with certain things at the moment.
I've also discovered that I'm in so much autistic burnout in addition to the whole grieving thing. These two things do not mix, people. I'm a mess, my daughter is a mess, and the... I don't know what to call him! Loki has informed me with absolute—he basically ordered me without ordering me (I do NOT know how to describe this one, people)—that I'm going to marry Tom Hiddleston? Look, I... what?
(Okay, not that this is a bad thing. I would not mind this; Tom is really cool. But if he is engaged with Zawe and I'm... occupied slightly... [it's complicated, but not going to last], how is this supposed to work out? There are four people involved with this! But how in the... you see what I mean?)
But Loki put his foot down. (Now, realize that regardless of Loki's feelings, he is NOT the boss of us. We can do whatever we want.) I responded to Loki that if Tom or Z was gonna get hurt by whatever he has planned, he can get bent. I won't cooperate. Loki responded that he wasn't planning on anything except letting the situation unfold. I asked him what he meant; he simply winked. That fucker winked!
I'll be honest here, I have learned over the many years of being with him that when he winks, he has a gut feeling, but nothing more than that. Why? Because he has a charming, sassy mouth. In his over-Rickness, he likes to be the smartest in the room and will spill stuff just to prove something.
That is how it USED to be, anyway. Loki is more reserved lately. He is NOT that same guy that timeslipped all over hell's half acre of the multiverse. I think he has found his inner Buddha, because after those first hours of return, he has gotten contemplative. This morning, he got up and went for a walk. I know he's on walk-about when sirens start to go off for hours in town. (Its not his fault that he leaves chaos in his wake. He isn't trying or doing it on purpose, it simply floats like phantom footsteps that leave a trail of anxiety and damage behind him. So, I often wonder how Kansas City would feel if they knew he as on the riverwalk this morning. I also wonder what happened while he was there.)
I would like to pretend that this is all in my head, but we both know that it is not. And now that everyone knows, what does that make me? Am I me, or am I Loki's wife being a mouthpiece for a Divine Force beyond my comprehension? Is that the paradox I was talking about? And where is this narrative leading us? How can I be Loki's wife and Tom's wife? That's way too... actually, there are no words for the scale of WTF on that.
Does that mean that Tom is an avatar for realsies? I have always had that theory myself. I didn't pitch Moon Knight for nothing. But I seriously thought that Tom was Helios or Apollo's avatar, not Loki. But honestly, does it seem like it's a little too much on the nose? So much that it's hidden in plain sight AND hilarious on all levels? Ok, yeah. I can see it.
(NO, I'm not kidding about stuff like this. And however outrageous YOU believe it to be, I don't give a hot patootie! This stuff I know is true and beyond my understanding, so I lean into it. Besides, what does it hurt? It's not like it means anything in this reality anyway. All the avatars in this reality are here and do NOT have perks or superpowers. That is the suck-ass part of being here. On the bright side, we don't have extra stuff like perks and superpowers here because gods do not give gifts. Which turned into a movie too. You're welcome!)
It never works out like you THINK it will. There are always some strings, a catch, or some weird twist of fate that turns your certainty into a silver wisp of dead dream that you can watch float down the River Styx on a hot, sunny Sunday afternoon. Could I have said it with less poetry? Yes, but it wouldn't have been as fun. And I must admit that all this sounds pretty dang fun! And if it isn't... it's a pretty awesome story.
I said we would make history, but... wtf?! (And also, it's pretty hilarious too, because this is OT cray-cray!) Lean into it! Well, ok... here we go...
My current situation has dissolved into an existential crisis about my hair color. Mostly because, like I mentioned, I'm in severe autistic burnout. (I don't want to be autistic because everyone on the planet is right now. It seems to me to be more of an excuse than anything else, and I have had a long battle against the idea because disabilities aren't excuses—they are disabilities. However, I'm feeling it so hard that I might finally submit to that idea. Or continue the denial until my deathbed, who knows!)
Anyway, because I'm in grief/burnout, I'm denying all reality unless forced to face it, and then I procrastinate until it's too late. Then I let it be destroyed, because I cannot cross the finish line on my own. I have nothing left to give, or to fight with. It's all gone. All of it.
So, I let Loki tell me all this. It doesn't matter if it's a lie. It's a good lie to get me through what I need to get through. And if the empty promise of marrying Tom Hiddleston is what I need, then all Negative Nancys can seriously, and expeditiously, fuck off please and thank you.
I'll be honest, after Loki's show, I clocked out of Marvel. I watched the majority of the Multiverse Saga until Loki took the throne, but didn't pick it back up until VisionQuest. I had a memory again. Then I saw the 'Man in the Hat.'
I have been told to trust the signs. These signs (in this context) are signs within the narrative. What you don't know is that while those signs are happening, there are the traditional signs picking up again. Those include angel numbers, tarot references, and navigation and guidance impulses/compulsions. Notice the 'again' part of that sentence. That is why I am doing my hardest to ignore all the signs, because from my point of view they are not real, raise false hope, and only bring tears. It's also why this blog post sounds a little bitter. Because I am. This sucks, I'm in hell, and while Loki's appearance is something nice, there is also a shift that has its awkward moments, like the aforementioned long silences.
Every time I see anything that I pitched directly, I get choked up. I feel far away from it all. It sucks being the watcher, guys! And yet, here I am. It's like I'm torturing myself. I can't NOT do it, and I can't NOT keep looping back around to it... every effing time I think it's done for me. GOD, it hurts. (Because I want out of the box! I want to be myself. I'm tired of being small and not performing what I know is my divine purpose. And I'm bored and lonely. It sucks here, it's time to GTFO! But I'm stuck and I can't.)
Maybe this is hell and I have to pay the piper. I don't know. I'm tired now.
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