Wednesday, October 6, 2021

Loki tells of Little Red Riding Thor

Mimingus and Loki were drinking together in an alehouse on the edge of a huge forest. Mimingus had decided that Loki needed cheering up after his dreadful time trapped as a mare. To get his mind on something else other than his trauma, Mimingus made Loki laugh with a mimed tale. By the end of the tale, both faun and trickster were very, very drunk.

Loki smashed his cup on the floor. “That was an amusing tale!” he exclaimed. He grabbed for another drink.

Yes, it was,” said Mimingus. “But I have no more. You have heard the last of me.”

Loki chuckled. “Then, perhaps I should tell you a tale.”

That would be splendid!” grinned Mimingus. He grabbed a new drink.

I call this tale “Little Red Riding Thor,” he grinned. And then he began...

It wasn't too long ago, that Thor decided to make a visit to Jottenhiem. The reason is still beyond me why he would do so, but he did go. While he was there, Thor also drank too much mead and made an ass of himself,” said Loki.

What did he do?” asked Mimingus.

He insulted all Giants. Then, insulted Thrym, his host. He made advances on other guests, smashed up the furniture, complained about the food, and pissed in the fire pit before passing out on the floor.”

Wow!” exclaimed Mimingus.

Well, while he was passed out on the floor, Thrym took Mjollnir!” laughed Loki.

Oh, shit,” said Mimingus. “What did Thor do when he woke up?”

Well, after pissing in the fire pit again, he realized where he was and what he was missing. So, he went raging through the house looking for Thrym. When Thor found him, he demanded his hammer back.” Loki paused to take a drink. “Thrym told him he could have Mjollnir back when Thrym had Freya for a wife.”

Like that can happen,” said Mimingus, chuckling and rolling his eyes.

Thrym put Thor on the back of a horse and sent him home to sleep it off,” said Loki. “So, a couple days later, he comes in Odin's Thing and complains about how he was betrayed and insulted by Thrym.”

Did you call him out on it?” asked Mimingus.

Loki shrugged. “Why bother? Thor, like Baldr, can do no wrong. He is 'the boy who would be king' despite the fact he doesn't act like it.”

Ok, so what happened,” asked Mimingus.

Thor tells Freya, and asks for her to wed Thrym formally and in Thing, to make the request official,” says Loki.


So, Freya kicks him “in the thing” to make the response official,” laughed Loki.

Mimingus chocked on his drink and it spewed from his nose, making Loki laugh harder.

So what after,” asked Mimingus, wiping his face off with his hand.

Freya left Thor holding his “thing” groaning about how her response wasn't fair,” laughed Loki.

Yeah, like it wasn't his fault in the first place,” said Mimingus.

So, nobody seems to have an answer for the problem,” said Loki.

So they pull you in,” said Mimingus.

You would think so, but no. Not yet,” explained Loki, calming a bit. “I am standing next to Hiemdall. Who, as you know, has the best hearing a deity can possibly have.”

Oh, here it comes,” whispered Mimingus.

I say, under my breath, that Thor's only hope to get back Mjollnir is to dress as Freya and go get it himself,” said Loki. “Hiemdall blurts out 'Hey, that's not a bad idea!'”

Mimingus laughs harder. Loki continued. “Everybody looks at Hiemdall and says 'What is a good idea?' Heimdall says, “Dress Thor up as Freya and he can get Mjollnir back himself.”

Oh gods! Does he do it?”

After being told it was his fault it was gone and being told that was the only way, yes.” Loki paused for a drink. “That's when Thor looks at me and gives me that look.”

The look he gives when he thinks you're behind some plot but isn't really sure?” asked Mimingus.

Yeah, that one. Then he says, 'Fine but only if Loki comes with me as my hand maiden,'” said Loki.

Anything to get you in drag, right?” chuckled Mimingus.

I know, right!” exclaimed Loki. “So, the next thing I know, I am dressed up like a girl. But Thor...Oh...he is dressed up in make-up, fine silks, wearing a wig, pretty shoes, and his face is covered with this red veil!”

Mimingus couldn't hold back any longer. He fell from the bench he was sitting at to the floor laughing so hard, he could no longer hold his own mug. It spilled all over him. 
Loki looked down at Mimingus. “He was like that for the whole journey! It took eight days to get there! Do you know how many villages we had to pass through to get there? Twelve! That doesn't include the countless farmsteads or roaming mercenaries, skalds, and peasants we passed on the road!”

Mimingus found his seat again and Loki his words to continue. “We finally get there the evening of the eighth day. Thor and I go into Thrym's house. Thrym is waiting there with an entire wedding party.”

Wow,” said Mimingus.

As the custom, everyone rises for the entrance of the bride. Then, Thrym calls for the wedding feast to begin. All the food is brought out and laid on the table. Thor, the great ass, eats a whole ox, eight salmon, all the food for the women, and washes it down with three crocks of mead!”

That's way more than a woman would eat at a wedding feast,” said Mimingus.

Oh, Thrym noticed. He says, 'My! What a big appitite Freya has!'” said Loki. “I have to cover my tracks to keep big shot safe, so I say, 'For eight days, Freya has not touched a single morsel, so excited for the wedding she is.'” said Loki in his most effeminate voice. That made Mimingus laugh harder. “So, the night lays on a bit and Thrym is casting amorous eyes at Freya. Thor is hidden under the red veil, but Thrym can tell that the glance he is receiving looks more like looks of 'die, Thrym, die,'” said Loki. "Thrym says, "My! What an angry face my bride has.'"

You are a quick thinker, so you say,”

I say 'For eight days, Freya has not taken off her girdle, so excited she is for the wedding. It is beginning to hurt her so,” said Loki in his effeminate voice. Mimingus laughed harder. “A little bit later, Thrym tries to lift Thor's veil and kiss him. Thor and Thrym both, at the same time, pull back from the other.” Loki laughed. “Thrym says, 'My! What big, red eyes my bride has!' So, I say, 'For eight days Freya has not slept a wink, so excited for the wedding she is!”

Mimingus laughed more and managed to choke out, “I think just peed a little.”

It gets better!” said Loki, trying hard to find a way to get out the words. “So the Grandmother says, 'If she is so excited for the wedding, exchange the gifts and get on with it!' So Thrym orders the gifts laid out, and true to his word...true to his word! The giant oaf lays Mjollnir on Thor-Freya's lap.”

Oh no!” exclaimed Mimingus.

Oh, yes!” said Loki. “The moment Mjollnir is back with Thor, Thor hefts it up and lays waste to the entire wedding party! In his bridal gown!”

Loki and Mimingus both lost themselves in laughter until they both passed out.