Sunday, December 12, 2021

Loki Red-Stripe prt 1

 Hearing me talk, you may get the impression that I'm a firm believer of sunshine from Loki's butt. This is incorrect. Like most males of his kind, they completely believe the statement 'I'm so wonderful sunshine glows from my butt'. It's not that they make it a point to be massive pricks, but they, at times, will overstate the value of their inner divinity. This is why the Divine Source commanded that they could no longer be Eternal and switched things up by making them Immortal. Of course, that was brought about by Loki. He interpreted his annihilation of the Eternal and the total destruction of the old ways as imperial evidence of his brilliant magnificence. This idea was overfed to him by his own mind. So as you can see his ego has a special way of being overfed, and thus fallible. I know this. I accept and respect it. It is one of his biggest character flaws. So, I talk about the other wonderful things about him, while giving him the side-eye and reminding him he is guilty of making mistakes. Or remind him of how stupidly human he can be by loudly pointing out minor character flaws like his terrible diet and lack of adulting.

Those points aside, one of the most beautiful things about Loki is his strange ability to meta-weave himself through the fabric of space and time. (Space-time for those who are boring and without the romantic poetry gene). There was a memory that surfaced recently that triggered this in me. If there is one thing in this world I can do, it's talk about Loki. Becuase that is how I love him from far away.

Speaking of love, it's that very thing that brings me to this tale. It was a long time ago somewhere in the grasslands of the Asian continent. I was an Amazon maiden. I had encountered one by the name of Loki Red-Stripe. So named for the thick warrior's stripe of blazing red hair on his head. I fell deeply in love
with him. He was traveling with his band of warriors to wreak havoc along some trail his uncle had claimed. In other terms, border patrol. When warriors get bored, they will always eventually end up looking for booze and woman. (Remember this. It's important)

Our tribe, being nomadic, bumped into their borders. Of course, it started out as a fight but nature took over when they discovered we were a scouting/hunting party of women who also had been away from the tribe too long. The fight ended with everybody getting naked and frolicking; which is a much better and efficient way of spending time away from home.

Loki and I spent a few days together. We went hunting, fishing, and swimming. Spent the nights with more frolicking, then we parted ways. Sad that we probably would never see each other again.

Fast forward sometime later, our chieftess decided to settle down near a new land. This wasn't odd. There was some unrest in the East. There was a rising danger to the South. We needed to settle to fortify ourselves. We chose a spot near some great hills in the northwest but east of the Volga River. As we began to build our new settlement, here come some warriors to drive us off. They came at us from across a grass field, weapons drawn, screaming berserking battle cries. And then completely dumfounding the war chief as a few of them grabbed some of our warriors and kissed them full on the mouth!

Lo! How lucky can one bitch be in a single lifetime! There is Loki, standing beside the war chief on the horse. He looks around at some fighting and some fucking (willingly mind!) Takes a deep breath as shock rolls over him, figures it out, then calls off the attack. The war chief on the horse starts to object but Loki turns his axe to the flat blunt side and whacks the man off his horse. Why fight when you know for sure diplomacy will work out for the benefit of two tribes? I have never known a Loki to pass the opportunity to talk his way out of something. Especially, if it is in his best interest. I know he thought that because he was eyeballing me from across the field commanding everybody to stand down.

Turns out he is a bit of a lordship in his tribe. His uncle is the big man in charge. His cousin, who loves him dearly, is next in line to lead. I guess a bitch can get lucky a lot in a single lifetime.

Unless other people have different ideas. Like the Chieftess of my tribe. She wants a couple of her daughters to get married into his family. Expectedly, uncle wants to marry off some of his sons. However, his heir is already taken and his other sons are not old enough to be wed. This leaves nephews. This points to Loki.

Here's a secret about Loki. It's a flat-out war if someone tells Loki what to do with his heart. He absolutely cannot be forced into marriage for any reason. A king cannot convince him of his "civic duty". He cannot be bought or tricked. Loki will not surrender his heart on command. Loki will act out like an animal causing terrible things to happen in his panicked distress to defend his heart.

Uncle did not care for his behavior and threatened him. At this news, Loki went and got himself absolutely wasted. In his drunken madness blurted that I was the reason for his reluctance. This news reached Uncle and Chieftess. I was sent away for a time on a trading caravan heading south into the outskirts of the Persian Territories. This actually turned out to be a really good thing to happen.

While I was gone, I sought to soothe myself with some culture. I sat with storytellers, loremasters, and sages. I transported myself to the realms of Gods and Djinns as often as I could. I learned all that I could on my travels there and back again.

Meanwhile, back home, Loki has reluctantly married. He didn't abuse her, but he did emotionally abandon her. As tradition demanded, he nailed her enough times to get her pregnant. Then simply ignored her existence. This was not a good thing. She died during childbirth along with the child. Loki may have not loved her but Loki is a serious guy about fatherhood. Every Superior Variant is. This trait is one of the most important traits needed to be a Loki variant. Losing his would-be child, struck him hard. He blamed himself for her declining well-being and eventual death. After all, she wasn't all that happy to be wed to him either. It was a political thing for both. She truly had deserved better treatment from him. Loki did not handle the regret well.

A little while after that, the community experienced some windfalls. A plague swept through. Followed shortly by a raid from rivals from the west. During this series of unfortunate events, Loki lost family members; namely his uncle and his cousin. Several children were taken during the sickness. In short, that left Loki as the man who would be king.

When I returned, he was a single man with abundant lands and livestock. He had inherited the lodge and all the servants. Loki was transformed into the eligible bachelor. Which sounds great except that he also inherited all the pressure to go with it!

Mothers and fathers were shoving their daughters (and sons!) at him. (Not that it was a big deal. But that the numbers of the community were low and they needed every person to reproduce. Since the community was a little confused by Loki, because he can be gender fluid, they offered him one to marry and one to fuck at his whim and as needs must. Which is a normal thing at the time.)

Of course, there was pressure from the elders for him to marry well. And this time they backed off on a specific who. That much loss is hard for any person. The last thing they needed was an uncooperative leader. There was work to be done and decisions to make. They did not want to risk the unraveling psyche of a Loki. Government must move on, regardless of personal stuff.

There was a serious food shortage when we returned. So, when we came back happiness and stability returned. The stores were filled up to tide us over. More warriors for the hunting party is always a boon. In addition, we returned with unwilling help that was in desperate need. (Remember this is a super long time ago.) The community was seeing hope again.

Loki, on the other hand, was angry that I had left. Another thing that a real Loki variant will do is hold a grudge for way too long. Betrayal hurts him deeply because he loves so deeply. That's why he will betray another first if he gets the hint of a thought of shenanigans. He gets really stabby. (Which I have heard is ok because its Russia) In my case, it was a metaphorical stabby from his dagger-like stare I received every time I was near him.

Loki was also angry at my refusal to "fight for him". He was constantly surrounded by a group of romantic hopefuls. I made no effort to chase him or fight off the group. I said nothing. I did nothing. So, Loki took that to mean I had fallen out of love. The real truth was that I was exhausted from the trip and needed rest. I needed healing.

Loki needed healing too. But couldn't seem to find the best medicine. Because of my lack of interest, he decided to be a complete tart. He started to act out. Drinking, whoring, eating, hunting, everything a male considers to be pleasurable a few thousand years ago. No matter what he did, he couldn't seem to be satisfied or filled. Loki likes pleasure but he will also quickly bore of it. And that's dangerous, a bored Loki.

Now, he can't sleep. Loki is burnt at both ends. He is miserable. During this misery, he tries to distract himself with stories from the south. So, he sneaks into a thrall's gathering and listens to the fabulous tales of the south. He is filled with inspiration as he is told of thieves, genies' lamps, magic carpets, and words that open concealed doors that lead to hordes of gold. Loki sees hope that a person, a king even, could hear a thousand tales and rise again, transformed and healed.

After the gathering cleared away for the night, the disguised Loki approached the seated storyteller. The figure was shadowed by the dying fire and the oversized draped hood.

"Skald, do you truly believe in the tales you repeat? Do you think a man may find restoration in folktales?" asked Loki.

"A man will find whatever he desires most if he listens to stories and hears the voice of the Gods within it. But a man must set aside pride and ego for a little time each night to listen with the heart of a child. Not many are brave enough for this task. It means opening the heart and being vulnerable to one's own darkness. Only in this way can we see the lighted path ahead and be healed," said the skald.

"A brave man only dies but once, a coward will die a thousand times. I am brave," said Loki.

"Is that what you believe?" chuckled the skald.

"How can it be different?"

"Because brave men die just as many times as a coward, the difference is that the brave man is reborn into a better world. The coward remains buried in his own darkness, doomed to repeat it eternally. Brave men are granted immortality." said the skald.

Loki paused in thought. The smoldering embers cracked and popped as the fire cooled in the night air. A light spray of red ash flew up. It turned grey as the breeze caught it and cast it away into the starry sky. "It's clear you are speaking not in terms of flesh but in terms of spirit and mind. I can sense its merit and value though I can't see it as clearly as I would like." Loki sat down on the ground near the fire facing the hooded skald. "Let me speak plainly. I know I'm in a bad place. Here," he pointed at his chest. "I don't know what to do about it. I'm willing to try anything. I need new medicine."

"It's dangerous for a doctor to try a new medicine with a king, regardless of what kind of medicine it is. Powerful men are impatient. Sometimes they lack insight and intuition. If powerful men do not see results immediately, it is common that he murders the one who provides the medicine. In my story, the concubine is threatened with death if she does not deliver a story to the king every night for a thousand nights. The truth is that this is an exaggeration. The lie is to exhibit the lengths one would go to out of love. It also speaks that healing takes as long as it takes. It could be a day of inspiration or it could be a full lifetime. But truly in life, one thousand nights is not necessary. Nor the threat of death. As a matter of truth, the threat of death is counter to the heart of the exercise."

"What do you mean?"

The skald took a deep breath. "Loki, I can't give you my secrets just as the Gods can't give away the answers. A supplicant must experience them or it has no meaning. Forcing another with the threat of death takes away the intent of the person who is administering the medicine. It must be done out of love, not fear. That is part of the medicine."

After a moment, Loki nodded his head. "I do understand your meaning there. I don't only need medicine, I need a loving person to administer it. Someone true." He paused and lowered his head. "Where could I find someone like that? I feel that all who love me have abandoned me or died. Who is left?"

"Loki, you are so wrapped up in your grief you have not been mindful or observant at all. Come out of your head and look at me,"said the skald.

Loki looked up at the hooded skald. His eyes wandered up and down the cloaked figure sitting in the dim red light. "I'm looking. What am I supposed to see?"

"By the Nine, Loki, if you can't see it yet, return tomorrow night, and look again." The hooded figure let loose an exasperated sigh, stood up, and turned away.

Having witnessed such an exchange, I shook my head. It's common for a stressed and distressed Loki to be blind to his own current standing in the world. But the most important truth here is that until he dug himself out of his own inner turmoil, nothing and nobody could help him with or without good medicine. So, I walked away in fear. I was frightened that he would not return. Fearful he wouldn't rise against his own pride and ego to fight for himself. In tears that I could do nothing except wait and watch for his next move.


Sunday, December 5, 2021

A box of Lessons

I have a box of Lessons Learned

That living tight me with each cycle turned

In the box, they keep tight enclosed

To Spin and Join, To be composed

So at the end, when pulled back out

A Story of Lessons Learned throughout

Saturday, December 4, 2021

Holy Elements for Cleansing

 The basic premise for cleansing is to use Holy elements. 

Holy Air

A practitioner doesn't have to use Holy smoke or Holy oil. These cover the element of Air. There are 3 other elements to choose from. (also, alternative Air elements you can use. For example, a blessed hand fan. I have 5 or 6 each a different color combo. My alter has three alone.)

Holy Earth.

What do you think that salt is for on your alter? Use the Holy Earth by sprinkling it on your objects to bless it. I also have a container of sand. This container is used for holding my intense, but that ash is Holy ash. I mix it into my sand. And I use that Holy Earth to bless my feet when I need extra grounding power! You don't have to use your ashes from incense, (since you don't want to do intense) just get some sand. Flowers and herbs are great for cleansing as well. Scatter dried flowers and herbs if you can stand it.

Potted plant. Your mom will never suspect a houseplant to be pagan. But it can be.

Holy Water

What do you think that goblet is for, youngling? The water (or wine) on your alter is there for a reason, use it! Sprinkle it where you need it,

A picture or figurine of a water creature on your wall or shelf. Can be kept on the down-low up high. (lolZ)

Or a small watering can. You need a watering can for your houseplant right?

Holy Fire

Your Athame is a fire element. Use it for blessing what you will using its Holy Fire ability. Light is also Holy. I have some suncatchers in my window. They are blessed and when the sun shines through, it cascades Holy Rainbows over my sacred space.

Go kitchen witch, use a wooden spoon as a wand. Keep it in the kitchen drawer. She'll never know.

USe Christain Iconography to hide your true faith. Our ancestors did it and it isn't stealing because they stole it from us first, Take back your culture! The Hanging Jesus is actually Odin on the tree. Virgin Mary is actually Frigga or Freya. The BAby Jesus is BAlder or Vali (depending on whether you are an Odinist or Lokian)

Invoke Your Inner Loki and be creative in your craft. Cunning magic always pleases the Gods.

There are trolls and then there are TROLLS

 Being on Reddit is always interesting in some form or fashion. I do enjoy some of the rhetoric there, and I am guilty of serving a  few whooping platters of my trollishness. But there are some who just really make their life's goal to be the biggest Toxic Devil's Advocate they possibly can be online. And they are super good at it too.

Using Logic on a Spiritual thread. Doesn't get a person kicked off. My topic was one of generalized representation of the Moon goddess and its main Phases, turned into 

"Well, technically there are 8 phases of the moon" discussion. Which threw the entire point of the post into the flames of Hel. Seriously? This person is supposed to be on a Pagan/Wiccan thread. Why are we having a technical Astronomy discussion about the 8 phases of the moon in regard to the Morrigan being represented by the dark moon? This is too much Ego.

I told her to dial it back. Too much ego for a spiritual discussion, the mod comes back with. "That's not ego. Thats just fact."

Well, Sherlock what do you think Ego is in this context? If we were dealing with facts, I would be in a science thread, not a faith-driven spiritual one! 


If a person is mindful of the CONTEXT in which the discussion is taking place, then we do not need to deal with people who want to be the smartest in the room. Becuase, I'll be honest, I'm only comfortable with Rick when he's in a cartoon. Not when I have to deal with him in real life. Becuase I promise the real-life Rick is not the smartest person in the room, he's just the biggest asshole in the room. And the drunkest asshole in the room. Which does not add up to the greatest social experience of my life. It adds up to wasted energy on a douchebag. And I don't like to waste my energy or time on a person who doesn't deserve it.

Those who don't deserve my time and energy are those who are too closed by insecurity and fear to learn anything from me. Now, NOW! I completely understand why Yoda did not want to teach Anakin! And the mistake that the counsel made when they over rode Yoda's verdict! I also see that the Counsel's decision was solely based on (and yeah, I'm making a deduction based on the information before me, which may also be labeled an assumption) "If we don't train him, the dark side will find him and convert him." Which is greed. The council was being greedy. Jedi Trolls!

But that doesn't matter. It's not their problem. Its MINE. I'm the one who has to learn how to deal with this type of person because this type of person will always exist, on or off the net. A troll, a real troll, is a social dumpster fire that will challenge anyone, everyone at one point or another. This is one of those little Social life lessons that we all must learn to "get out of grade school mindset" (That mindset is something like this, "Hey! He's not being fair! I'm telling the teacher you're being a bully! MOM!" Which I imagine is the problem of some of the softer sides of SJW movements. Where everyone has to be nice and hug their neighbor and nothing bad ever happens to anyone ever. Excuse me while I gag on rainbows and sparkles)

Blocking these people is just shutting myself off from the world. So, I reject that option of resolution.

Sticking up for myself is not an option either. These types of people are closed to anything beyond their own head. That is the trouble of living in an ego like that. No room for anyone else or any other perspective but their own. Not worth the effort to even attempt to meet halfway.

I guess the best way to deal with them is to ignore and avoid interacting with them. And if their flying monkeys "come to their rescue" ignore than too. Otherwise, I have nothing on the matter that comes close to handling them in any sort of real way.

Advice for Younglings

 First & foremost the most important rule. If you do not do this, you won't get anywhere:

Make time for the Gods. If you don't make time for them, they won't make time for you.

2nd: Be ready to put an extraordinary amount of work into yourself over an extended period of time

3rd: Open yourself up to learn your voice and a new language. The Divine Language of your intuition.

Making time doing what? What's the first step to that?

Mindfulness Meditation is absolutely required for connecting to any deity. You are the key. A practitioner must be in tune with their own inner deity to "make a phone call" By nurturing your own inner Divinity, the Gods will connect and speak through that "Ethernet" connection. Without it, you can't make a call. It takes practice. It won't happen overnight. But it's a skill that you CAN learn. The path of magic is being active with it.

Read! Read! Read! You can't make bricks without clay! You are the clay. Mold it by learning and applying that knowledge into daily living. Immerse yourself in that life. That means living the magical life you love. In Paganism, everything is connected. You are responsible & accountable for that life. Positively feeding your physical, mental, spiritual, and emotional bodies with the spiritual life will ping the God's attention.


The Gods love to help those who first put the work into themselves. The Gods do not want to waste time with those who are sleeping or only partly sleeping. (That's what Christianity is for.) We are pagan. We are not asleep. But we have to put in a butt load of work over an extended period of time to prove to the Gods that our devotion and resolve to our incorporeal object constancy and faith is not a mortal fleeting whim, but a consistent and constant overpowering desire to bring forth and grow our own Divinity. (In the magical life, I often posit that Object Constancy and Faith are similar. Only that object constancy is subject to our ego, while our Faith is subject to our intuition. This will make sense to you later as you evolve, this is why reading is critical to Pagan spiritual success.)

Read what exactly?

Not only magical books. Self help, therapy books, myth, folklore, fairytales, Hero of a thousand faces, Paganism 101, drawing down the moon, anything by Buckland, Silver ravenwolf, Cunningham, Telesco, John Bradshaw, yes the Bible too. It does contain parables and wisdom for us too. But that also means other standard holy books, the Vedas, Eddas, Islamic stuff, jewish stuff, (sorry my brain just hiccuped) you need to read anything that will fill your spirit with wonder and inspiration Stay away from stuff that is toxic or leaves you feeling hungry. The purpose is to raise you up, feed your spirit, and leave you refreshed with perspective and new unknown choices.

What's a Divine Language?

When someone says, "Trust your intuition."

I immediately ask, "Oh yeah? Tell them what that sounds like. Then they can listen to it to trust it." I promise that is answered by crickets.

Reading and immersing yourself into your magical life will lead you to learn the voice of your inner Divinity and understand the language of your own intuition. It's like a Love Language. This is very personal and it differs from every other person. So, there is no one that can help you beyond this advice. But once you learn what your intuitive voice sounds like and understand the words or visual prompts it sends you, it will become easier and easier to hear it, listen to it, and trust it implicitly. But you must put in the work. You must take the time to sit in silence and your mind must be still enough for the voice to get through.

Warning: This path may lead you through to Shadowork and a dark night of the soul. It did me. It was worth it. Every tear shed and every challenge that tore me apart. The Divine Force sent me Gods to mentor me back to a better path. They healed me and gave me a greater understanding of myself and therefore my world was made a better place to be.

I have given you 3 things to do, youngling. If you follow these basic things, I promise the Gods will come. For beckoned or unbeckoned, the Gods WILL come. I wish you the greatest adventure any person could ever have.

What exactly is triple about the moon goddess?

 I got a download from the Divine not too long ago. And I have been in a deep state of meditation and ponderance about it.

The vision was this:

The Morrigan showed up and was fuming. (Personally, I got really scared and just slipped into silent trembling fear.) She grows into a towering giant before me and says, "What exactly is triple about the moon, young mortal? Tell me why I have been left out of the standard equation?"

I did not answer because its the Morrigan and she is effin frightening when she's angry.

"The last time I checked the Moon had FOUR phases. Four! Full, waxing, waning, AND HIDDEN! Triple moon goddess, my blind cow!"

Okay, so I'm jolted out of the vision. Having time to think about it, I can see why she is hopping mad! The Dark Moon has been...accidentally?... written out of some texts. I can understand why she is not happy. Being the HIdden and dark is not supposed to be evil and scary. Its natural. Its path is to be walked at some point. Everyone must experience the dark night of the soul and thus enter the domain of the Morrigan. Leaving her out of the Moon Cycle equation is wrong.

I decided to put the Morrigan back where she belongs and honor her darkness. Without her challenge, I cannot grow in faith. I was then compelled to make a statement about that to other Wiccans and Pagans. Do as you will. It doesn't harm anyone to put the Morrigan back in her rightful place and exterminate an outdated idea of the triple moon goddess.

Friday, December 3, 2021

Rey Skywalker Rising

Disclaimer: For this discussion, the content and statements made here are purely and strictly from the movie only.  I do not care about any other types of IP media that may explain anything beyond what is contained in the movie.

Dear Beloved Fanboy,

It's been over a year since I was in one of your discussions about The Rise Of Skywalker. At the time, I wholeheartedly agreed with every word you uttered. Since then, however, I have come into a deeper understanding. I understand that we were very wrong in our beginning assessment. I am going to right a wrong that was committed by me last year. In addition, I'm going to explain why I believe that The Rise of Skywalker is a long-awaited narrative change that reflects the Millenials rather than a Gen-Xer. While it had its flaws, the movie is not bad when viewed through different eyes. I also posit that our reaction last year was a deeper reflection of something we did not want to see or admit to ourselves. That is we are getting older and those worlds do not belong to us anymore. It is time to leave them behind, Peter Pan. It is time to grow up.

Let's start at the beginning as Rey is left behind on Jakku by her parents. What the audience is able to piece together is that Rey's parents are addicts of some kind. They sold out their child for drugs.

If we say that Rey's parents are a reflection of a large percentage of Gen-Xers, then this element of narrative speaks, nay it screams, accuracy. Becuase it points to Palatine being a Boomer parent. I don't know about you but this also feels and appears to me, awkwardly accurate. It is not true across the board, nothing ever is. But for me, I can see this all too real reflection of human behavior. The Boomer oppression of personal power. The resistance and refusal to step down, let go, or allowance of the natural succession of death. The refusal and resistance to allow their children to take their rightful place as leaders of the domain. Instead, maliciously manipulating and tempting their grandchildren into puppet kings to carry on the spirit of their rule.

Luke Skywalker is the perfect example of a defeated Gen-Xer parent. Luke, so afraid of repeating the toxic behavior patterns of his dark side parent, he accidentally traumatized a teen-age boy towards the darkside. Wrecked with toxic shame and guilt, he closed himself off from the entire universe. He slipped into the half man refusing to pass on anything at all. Luke completely ignoring and abandoning not only the Dark side, but all that is good and Light as well; leaving a wasted life behind. I imagine this is exactly why Rey's parents were addicts. They lacked the strength to be strong against their own parents. Faced with devaluation and abandonment, they could not save themselves. It is possible that Rey's parents believed that they were doing Rey a favor by leaving her on Jakku with Unkar Plutt.

To combat this the Force allows two warriors to co-create themselves into Twin Flames. This power rises in Kylo and Rey. To understand this dynamic, we must first discuss and understand my personal great passion, Loki.

To become a Loki Variant, a person must undergo a series of trials that reflect the original Loki, The Fire- Thief. This Loki is the Prometheus of his kind. Every Loki will betray himself by removing his own heart. In its place, he will develop fires of rage. This is his villian development.

Kylo Ren must murder his own heart. Kylo's heart is his love for his father, Han Solo. When Kylo met with Han, he says: 

"I'm being torn apart. I want to be free of this pain. I know what I have to do but I don't know if I have the strength to do it."

Snoke has seen Kylo's heart. Snoke will never trust Kylo until he kills his father. Killing Han was supposed to be a power move to help convince Snoke that his loyalty was with the Darkside. It was supposed to prove to Snoke that Kylo wasn't like Anakin. Kylo Ren's heart was empty not just dead. Snoke needed that heart to be empty becuase Snoke knows that what is dead can never die. But if it's empty, there is nothing to resurrect. The transformation to the Darkside can be complete.

Except when we talk about Loki. Loki's empty chest is a prepared cold hearth for Divine Flames, the Twin kind. Loki pulls his heart from his own chest and sacrifices it. It is his Destiny to burn his own heart out with passion and rage. From these actions, he dies of his own villainy against himself. It lives an unliving life becuase Loki Variants cannot die. 

Now, let's talk about Sigyn. Sigyn's character is an obscure one. There's not a lot about her in the Edda's or anywhere else. I can reveal that over many years, I have gathered enough about her to identify some traits that all Sigyn Varients share. 

The biggest is unwavering unconditional love. This causes blinding trust. Her devotion is shining and divine.  She has a dragon's loyalty and the fidelity of angels. It's wildly pure and has the strength of mountains. Sigyn's blessings often become curses. Becuase of the strength of these traits, she often finds herself being imprisoned by her own virtues. She will wait for a loved one well beyond what is reasonable. She will allow herself to be devalued and abused for the sake of her loved one. She will enable toxic behaviors and allow the continued abuse of herself and those around her. Sigyn will shower others with attention and love while denying and refusing her own basic needs of living. 

When both of these Variants are activated, they resurrect each other and co-create and new balance. Loki burns himself and the woman by his side. They both hover on the brink of death. But in their case, Death is not absolute, it is transformation becuase of the use of Divine flames. Sigyn rises from her own ashes, reborn full and new. She gives the burned Loki the kiss of true love and restores his heart to him once more. Both are transformed and healed. The Force brought back into balance.

This Twin Flamed, Soul Bonded couple also has Variant traits. A darksided pair would rule like Palpatine never could. It would be large scale, magically enhanced Joker and Harley Quinn match. I believe this was Palpatine's Plan. To rule the bloodline of Skywalker, he had to rule its heart. When he saw the opportunity to be Rey and rule Kylo's heart through her, it was far and beyond too good an opportunity to pass up. 

Kylo and Rey, now Soul Bonded, were able to resist the power of the Darkside. They were able to withstand the evil of Palpatine and overturn the Power of the Sith. This was supposed to be the Destiny of Anakin and Padme. It tried again with Luke and Leia. It finally succeeded with Kylo and Rey.

But the Force is not finished. The Force must restore its own Legacy. The way of the Old Jedi is gone, and so it should be. The way of the old Sith is gone, and so it should be. This opens the path for a new generation to build a new path to success. It doesn't matter if Rey does it or not. The Force will make the call until another force-user answers. The Force doesn't rely on bloodline to propagate itself. It creates itself becuase there are no mortal rules to follow or boundaries to respect. It is the Force. It is.

At the end of the movie, when Rey looks out towards the Tatooine suns setting, she took the name Skywalker. That's becuase she belongs to it. Bloodline is not necessary. She could have taken any name. But she chose to continue the Legacy of the Skywalker clan. Rey made that choice as a symbolic gesture to carry on the positive lesson she learned from her mentors. To forgive the mistakes and bad choices of previous generations. To rise on a different kind of throne of power, the throne of her own Divinity.

Fanboy, I still hear your echoing boos and boo-hoos through the internet. I'm not listening to them anymore. I come from a new place of understanding that this narrative has moved on, in a different direction. It no longer speaks to you and you are afraid. Afraid of getting older, losing control, passing on your throne to a younger generation. The same fears that Palpatine expressed in his resistance and refusal to move on. This movie isn't perfect but it's not as bad as we once agreed it was. Wendy Darling went home and grew up. She got a look from the other side of the looking glass. Now I'm asking you if you have enough strength to recognize your toxic shame to step up with me, eat your words, and grow up? Do you have enough integrity in you? Come home. We can always start another game tomorrow. Let this one go. Change with us. Move on with us. I promise there is always more fun in the morning.

May the Force be with you. For all Time. Always.

Thursday, December 2, 2021

Healing & Improvement at the end of 2021

 I am proud of myself.

The female biological donor called me. In the long past, I would have answered, allowed her to ramp me up, & then spend the rest of the day in misery.

In the short past, I would have not answered the phone at all. I would have simply boiled over her audacity

to call to try to gaslight, devalue, guilt, & shame me into doing whatever took her fancy that day.

This time, as the phone rang, I looked at it & breathed deeply. I looked into the darkest part of me & stilled my nerve for battle.

"Hello (her given name), how may I help you?" I say into the phone with a very business-like tone.

I'm not going to bore you with details here. I'm going to paraphrase the conversation into healthy & understandable layman's terms.

"Hello Daughter, I have called because I'm being nosey. I feel guilty about stuff but I would never admit this to any entity Dead or Alive. So, I'm calling to check in on your current attitude towards me. Since you are still feeling salty, I will future promise help & resources towards something I know you absolutely require for daily living. Since that won't work, I'll offer your children that same empty promise in the hopes that you will enter my domain in hopes of making your children's lives easier with something they need. I will also bait you into anger, to weaken your resolve. This will get my foot in the door as it has in the past. Oh, no. It didn't work this time? Don't worry I will keep bringing up trigger topics to work you up then gaslight you into you believing it's your fault  "the argument started'. I will try to hang up the phone feeling like a victim so I can tell my Flying Monkey Family members how horrible you were to me. They will "come to my rescue" and help me feel secure again. If you don't fed me & give attention to fend off my fear of abandonment, I will manipulate all your family into shunning you. This will work because these people don't talk to you & get ALL their information about you, from me. So If you want a relationship with your extended family members you have to speak to me."

None of these things worked on me. None of these things sent me into an escalating Borderline Personality Disorder roller coaster of Emotional Nuclear Holocaust portions. I was affirmative. Strong.  Solidly set on the words she never wanted to hear:

No. I. Do. Not. Need. You.

They weren't yelled or screamed. They weren't whined or over-dramatized. They were words of a parent protecting their inner child from a toxic adult.

I've been working on those words for years. Often used them against other people. But never against my mother...until yesterday. 

I am reborn. I am free. I am not alone. Most importantly, I am loved

May the Force be with you. For All Time. Always.

Friday, November 5, 2021

The Barbarians of Tarkazia

 The Steadfastings

The Barbarian tribes of Tarkazia are located in an environmental combination of steep mountains, forests, and rivers in the midlands of the continent. Each "tribe" is called a Steadfasting. Each Steadfasting is separated in the same way as the tribes of the Caucus mountains of the Transylvania area. Each Steadfasting is made up of different families but lacks the "Aristocratic" themes often seen in most barbarian and civilized tribes. They are more democratic than others. Each Steadfasting is "lead" by a small group of elected people, both male and female of various ages. The meetings are open to everyone who lives in a "Holdheim" within the boundaries of a Steadfast. (A holdheim is a house with permanent residents) 

Age, Gender, or Class is not a concern for them. They are a merit-based society. They value strength not only in the arm but in the mind. So a great fighter is just as important as a weaver or farmer. Lineage is traced through the mothers. So a Barbarian's full name will reflect his mother, his Holdhiem, and his Steadfast.

The culture is more nature-based. In Agriculture, they keep sheep, goats, ponies, pigs, and Oxen (for plows not for food) rather than horses or cattle due to the environment. Major grains include barley, millet, and buckwheat. There is plenty of reliance on rivers for fishing. Hunting and gathering in the forest. Religion is more druidic and shamanistic. Bards don't travel as much as a traditional D&D bard does. Instead, they are more like local historians, who keep the history of their tribe alive in an oral tradition. Each Steadfast has a language, although neighboring Steadfasts will have similar words and dialects. But the further out you go from your Holdheim, the less likely it is you will understand the language. There is no official written language. But there are universal symbols shared by all the tribes. For example the symbol for good water (drinkable water), danger, boundary markers, food, currency and trade, and the numbering system. 

Since the tribes are agrarian-based, they hold Agricultural festivals throughout the year. Most of them surround themes like harvest, mid-summer, spring, a day of the dead (yet to be named), and mid-winter. Some will hold special events marking great battles or astrological events, but these are rare. 
The Barbarians have a loose code of conduct. But what codes they do have is followed strictly. Heavy concentration on community and family. Crime is very low. Crimes are considered against full communities rather than individual people. The loss or harm to a functional member of any Steadfasting is punished with extreme severity, oftentimes with high crimes like rape and murder being more torturous than merciful. Petty crimes are often punished with long periods of thrall prison, meaning that person has to work for the Steadfasting or a particular Holdhiem for a set amount of time. During which the person has no rights or privileges. When the time is up, the person is freed. That person has the option to leave the Steadfast or remain. If that person remains, it will be difficult to achieve any credibility to earn his place back within the local society. (Of course, depending on the spectrum of the crime itself. They aren't without mercy or forgiveness. Basically the higher the crime the harder the punishment)
The code of conduct is honor-based. "Your word is your bond" is a repeated trope throughout all the Steadfastings. With that in mind, gossip and rumor are (more often than not) prohibited. As the inhabitants of the Steadfastings understand that undeserved gossip and rumor can damage a person (and a whole Steadfasting or Holdheim for that matter) beyond repair. So, if another Steadfasting, Holdhiem, or person says something damaging, they must explain why they have come to that conclusion. Therefore, word of mouth is a big thing within the Steadfastings.
Voice is considered divine and sacred. Few Barbarians will have an instrument, but all will sing. (Bows are a weapon, not an instrument) More popular instruments would be harps, drums, lutes, basically instruments that can accompany a singer. Pipes or flute are more uncommon.
Marriage and Sex: Reproduction is important in this society. One of its social rituals is that after a battle, the victors will consume the eyes of their enemies. It is believed that consuming the eyes is to consume the soul. Later, during "The Remembrance" (bury the dead, consume the eyes, have a big feast to celebrate the victory) there is a ritual blessing of the "life return" and everybody basically has a big orgy. his is to rebirth the souls of all the fallen into their tribe. This is a ritual in which they offer a rebirth to the gods of life, so as to make up for all the death. And so they believe that the soul can choose to be reborn.
Because reproduction is a big issue, being gay or lesbian isn't forbidden, but it is frowned on. It is the duty of all the members of a community to reproduce responsibly. More often than not, members with an alternate lifestyle are more Bisexual than flat-out gay or Hetro. It is common to have a spouse you love but reproduce with another. It's not a utopian system, as there is plenty of infighting. But it helps to keep the DNA pool healthy.
Children born "without the gods" are culled with reverence. Offerings are made to the spirit in hopes the soul will try again to be born to the tribe. Unlike most other cultures, the Steadfastinbgs understand that though the GOds are infallible, they are not without enemies of demons and other malevolent spirits who try to inhibit the work of the gods. When a child is born "wrong" it isn't the child's fault, the parents' fault, or the fault of the Gods. It is considered to be an attempt by malevolent spirits to bring harm to the family or community.
The dead are "Sky buried". The bodies of the dead are taken to the mountain tops. There the carrion birds pick the flesh from the ones. Then, after the flesh has been cleaned, the tribe will gather the bones, and make bread with them. Yet again another ritual.
Technology. Surface mining and surface deposits are common. Deeper mining is regarded as work for Dwarfs. The Barbarians and the Dwarfs have a symbiotic relationship. The Barabrains have iron, tin, and bronze tech but nothing beyond that. The Barbarians have glass beads tech. Riverboat tech, plow, and oxen (not horses), tin tech for panning gold in rivers, various forms of weaving, brewing tech. The dwarfs have higher metallurgy and gemology techniques. The barbarians rely on the dwarfs for coin making, steel weapons and armor, gem cutting, jewelry, Dwarf Thoke (coal),  and other higher crafting technologies. 

Wednesday, October 6, 2021

Loki tells of Little Red Riding Thor

Mimingus and Loki were drinking together in an alehouse on the edge of a huge forest. Mimingus had decided that Loki needed cheering up after his dreadful time trapped as a mare. To get his mind on something else other than his trauma, Mimingus made Loki laugh with a mimed tale. By the end of the tale, both faun and trickster were very, very drunk.

Loki smashed his cup on the floor. “That was an amusing tale!” he exclaimed. He grabbed for another drink.

Yes, it was,” said Mimingus. “But I have no more. You have heard the last of me.”

Loki chuckled. “Then, perhaps I should tell you a tale.”

That would be splendid!” grinned Mimingus. He grabbed a new drink.

I call this tale “Little Red Riding Thor,” he grinned. And then he began...

It wasn't too long ago, that Thor decided to make a visit to Jottenhiem. The reason is still beyond me why he would do so, but he did go. While he was there, Thor also drank too much mead and made an ass of himself,” said Loki.

What did he do?” asked Mimingus.

He insulted all Giants. Then, insulted Thrym, his host. He made advances on other guests, smashed up the furniture, complained about the food, and pissed in the fire pit before passing out on the floor.”

Wow!” exclaimed Mimingus.

Well, while he was passed out on the floor, Thrym took Mjollnir!” laughed Loki.

Oh, shit,” said Mimingus. “What did Thor do when he woke up?”

Well, after pissing in the fire pit again, he realized where he was and what he was missing. So, he went raging through the house looking for Thrym. When Thor found him, he demanded his hammer back.” Loki paused to take a drink. “Thrym told him he could have Mjollnir back when Thrym had Freya for a wife.”

Like that can happen,” said Mimingus, chuckling and rolling his eyes.

Thrym put Thor on the back of a horse and sent him home to sleep it off,” said Loki. “So, a couple days later, he comes in Odin's Thing and complains about how he was betrayed and insulted by Thrym.”

Did you call him out on it?” asked Mimingus.

Loki shrugged. “Why bother? Thor, like Baldr, can do no wrong. He is 'the boy who would be king' despite the fact he doesn't act like it.”

Ok, so what happened,” asked Mimingus.

Thor tells Freya, and asks for her to wed Thrym formally and in Thing, to make the request official,” says Loki.


So, Freya kicks him “in the thing” to make the response official,” laughed Loki.

Mimingus chocked on his drink and it spewed from his nose, making Loki laugh harder.

So what after,” asked Mimingus, wiping his face off with his hand.

Freya left Thor holding his “thing” groaning about how her response wasn't fair,” laughed Loki.

Yeah, like it wasn't his fault in the first place,” said Mimingus.

So, nobody seems to have an answer for the problem,” said Loki.

So they pull you in,” said Mimingus.

You would think so, but no. Not yet,” explained Loki, calming a bit. “I am standing next to Hiemdall. Who, as you know, has the best hearing a deity can possibly have.”

Oh, here it comes,” whispered Mimingus.

I say, under my breath, that Thor's only hope to get back Mjollnir is to dress as Freya and go get it himself,” said Loki. “Hiemdall blurts out 'Hey, that's not a bad idea!'”

Mimingus laughs harder. Loki continued. “Everybody looks at Hiemdall and says 'What is a good idea?' Heimdall says, “Dress Thor up as Freya and he can get Mjollnir back himself.”

Oh gods! Does he do it?”

After being told it was his fault it was gone and being told that was the only way, yes.” Loki paused for a drink. “That's when Thor looks at me and gives me that look.”

The look he gives when he thinks you're behind some plot but isn't really sure?” asked Mimingus.

Yeah, that one. Then he says, 'Fine but only if Loki comes with me as my hand maiden,'” said Loki.

Anything to get you in drag, right?” chuckled Mimingus.

I know, right!” exclaimed Loki. “So, the next thing I know, I am dressed up like a girl. But Thor...Oh...he is dressed up in make-up, fine silks, wearing a wig, pretty shoes, and his face is covered with this red veil!”

Mimingus couldn't hold back any longer. He fell from the bench he was sitting at to the floor laughing so hard, he could no longer hold his own mug. It spilled all over him. 
Loki looked down at Mimingus. “He was like that for the whole journey! It took eight days to get there! Do you know how many villages we had to pass through to get there? Twelve! That doesn't include the countless farmsteads or roaming mercenaries, skalds, and peasants we passed on the road!”

Mimingus found his seat again and Loki his words to continue. “We finally get there the evening of the eighth day. Thor and I go into Thrym's house. Thrym is waiting there with an entire wedding party.”

Wow,” said Mimingus.

As the custom, everyone rises for the entrance of the bride. Then, Thrym calls for the wedding feast to begin. All the food is brought out and laid on the table. Thor, the great ass, eats a whole ox, eight salmon, all the food for the women, and washes it down with three crocks of mead!”

That's way more than a woman would eat at a wedding feast,” said Mimingus.

Oh, Thrym noticed. He says, 'My! What a big appitite Freya has!'” said Loki. “I have to cover my tracks to keep big shot safe, so I say, 'For eight days, Freya has not touched a single morsel, so excited for the wedding she is.'” said Loki in his most effeminate voice. That made Mimingus laugh harder. “So, the night lays on a bit and Thrym is casting amorous eyes at Freya. Thor is hidden under the red veil, but Thrym can tell that the glance he is receiving looks more like looks of 'die, Thrym, die,'” said Loki. "Thrym says, "My! What an angry face my bride has.'"

You are a quick thinker, so you say,”

I say 'For eight days, Freya has not taken off her girdle, so excited she is for the wedding. It is beginning to hurt her so,” said Loki in his effeminate voice. Mimingus laughed harder. “A little bit later, Thrym tries to lift Thor's veil and kiss him. Thor and Thrym both, at the same time, pull back from the other.” Loki laughed. “Thrym says, 'My! What big, red eyes my bride has!' So, I say, 'For eight days Freya has not slept a wink, so excited for the wedding she is!”

Mimingus laughed more and managed to choke out, “I think just peed a little.”

It gets better!” said Loki, trying hard to find a way to get out the words. “So the Grandmother says, 'If she is so excited for the wedding, exchange the gifts and get on with it!' So Thrym orders the gifts laid out, and true to his word...true to his word! The giant oaf lays Mjollnir on Thor-Freya's lap.”

Oh no!” exclaimed Mimingus.

Oh, yes!” said Loki. “The moment Mjollnir is back with Thor, Thor hefts it up and lays waste to the entire wedding party! In his bridal gown!”

Loki and Mimingus both lost themselves in laughter until they both passed out.

Tuesday, August 31, 2021

Reaction or a Response

As part of my new Therapy, I have had to adjust my to-do list. Well, I've had to adjust everything. So here is what happened.

February 2020~My world was shattered in a very real way. This perspective altered my entire way of viewing my world and what was happening in it. I told myself that was alright, I can deal with this. My guess is that it was shock. I no longer co-operate with anything or anyone. I "shut down" as I try to process what the actual fuck just happened to me.

March 2020~As I dealt with a rejection I did not think was that important, I also lost my "favorite person" To anyone that doesn't have Borderline Personality Disorder, this will mean nothing to you. For those who DO understand, I lost my favorite person of more than 10 years. The downward spiral has begun.

April 2020~I have lost my favorite community. As the shock continues to roll me downhill, all I can do is allow this to occur. But not without a great amount of helpless rage. Most of my coping skills are pointless. My to-do list goes dry. I'm scrambling to anchor/ground myself on what I can. My body begins to retaliate against me. Physical pian and illness begin to sharpen. This is all snowballed at me towards the end of the month. At the beginning of the month, I was in deep denial, as a defense. It did not work.

May 2020~Red flags had turned into Silent Hill Alarms of Red Alert. Not from social media but from within my living space. I stopped trying to please my covert narcissist mother. I stopped being cooperative. I stopped doing everything. My eyes have been opened and all the signs that had been stacking against me are now in my face. I can no longer deny that I am not safe. I am not loved. I am not wanted. Also, it was made painfully clear that my purpose was to be in isolation, under the direct control of my mother. It was my sole purpose to serve her. Clean her house and be at her beck and call. If I made any mention or action towards possible independence, it was passively-aggressively pumished. It was made clear to me that my mother was a covert narcissist with a fear of abandonment. And her fear was so strong, she began to groom me at infancy. I made attempts to deny this was not happening. I must be crazy. I must be sick. I need medication. I need "help"

June 2020~The descent into hell is a slow one, even when you give up and go willingly. It's like a slow horrible elevator ride filled with gaseous people and terrible music. Panic. Cry. Get angry. Nothing and no one will help you, even if you ask. 

July 2020~This has to be Loki's fault. All Loki's are evil. And now, I hate his guts. I hate his voice. I hate his opinions. I hate all Loki Varients regardless of claim. I wish they would all shut up. I have betrayed my favorite person. I have betrayed me. My pain, shame, sorrow, rage, jealousy, and helplessness have made me into a monster. And I can't help it. My MOTHER, the one person in all the world on whom one can trust with everything, had viciously and maliciously caused me to be where I was~helpless and co-dependant on her. I had been purposely programmed to behave in this way. No mother would do this to her child. Scientology and Quiverfull, those things were just curiosity. She wouldn't actually use any of those horrible torture techniques on her kids. That's insane! I'm wrong. Loki made me think this way. So, its his fault.

August 2020~My life is out of control. And I have been in a silent battle with my mother for a while. I did NOT give it full attention or thought. My step-father's perversion and predatory nature was being used by my mother in an attempt to counter some of the covert battles schemes that I had learn to block. She could. now, reuse most of her "trauma bonding/I'll rescue you" techniques from my childhood while I'm an adult. A 40 YEAR-OLD ADULT! She continued to allow this behavior by continuing to forgive him. 

Comunity people "reached out" because they were "concerned" They were NOT concerned. If I've learned anything, it's this. When two females approach you with "Concern" and these females have never before spoken to you or for you, they are NOT concerned. They are fishing for gossip and information. ANYONE who doesn't give you the time of day beyond Hello and Goodbye comes to you out of "concern" Is faking, lying, and manipulating you for their own amusements. I told them a bunch of stuff that was true and a load of stuff that was false. Both women ate it up like Ice Cream. In addition, I wasn't supposed to know that another person was in the background feeding them questions to ask. I thought it might have been a Variant of my favorite person, but there is no way to know for sure and never will be. By this point, I was banished from nearly 100% of the community for various reasons. But the main reason being that the Varient had banished me and his minions followed suit without asking why. The simple reason is that we both had deep-rooted feelings for each other that we could not explain. He was in a relationship that he could not escape. And It hurt me every day to hear him and know I could not hold him, kiss, him, and comfort him at all. We were estranged and neither of us could handle it. It hurt to hold the stone in my heart. Combined with everything that was happening in my life and the spiritual confusion, I could not handle my emotions, became unstable, reacted badly, and ruined him and myself in the process. (Oh, he is very guilty too. Don't think for a minute I don't hold him accountable for his portion.) I lost that community. Which is a good thing. As I ruined him, his youtube show became more and more toxic until his show turned into another episode of flaming fanboy.  The only person I still talk to says that he has mellowed since then. And I'm glad that he eventually did take my advice and expanded his show effectively and became less toxic over a year. I'm also glad that he didn't implode and lose his channel. And I hope he is doing well enough to get by at least. As for the rest of the community, they have done nothing except prove that they themselves are the "sheeple" they claim to hate. They definitely did not think for themselves, didn't ask questions, and followed the leader. But what would one expect out of a group of toxic, soy-hating, fanboys? Oh, I know. Let's argue about Kirk and Picard again. That's always fun, right?

At home, My Mother found out I was leaving to visit someone in Indiana. She pulled it all out of the bag! Anything to prevent me from going. I wasn't going permanently. That was not the intent at first. It was after she pulled the "you can't take the car" bullshit. I didn't need the car. My friend knew what she was pulling and told me that she would come in her own car to get me. And she did. My mother thought I was lying. And did not believe that my friend would even show up. I left.

September & October 2020~Breathing. Healing. Trying to find a job. Trying to find a way out. That was not in the cards. The Divine had guided me back to my hometown in order to tie up loose ends and nothing more. Finding a job wasn't going to happen either. Whoever said that there were jobs all over is a LIAR! Most of those "jobs" were fishing for people's information. Do NOT tell me I'm not "qualified" to work a register at Dollar Tree. A monkey could manage a register at Dollar Tree! What a load horseshit! Too many people needing jobs and not enough real jobs to cover. I did not know that many people had been chased out of Chicago. These people are taking over the town. Kokomo is growing and not being able to catch up to the growth. Its already kinda squashed up on Tipton,Greentown, and Carmel. And yeah, not enough jobs now that Delco and Chrysler have downsized like they have! When I was a kid, if you couldn't get a job there, one could always try Grisom Air Force Base. Clinton Administration took that away. And when the GMC thing happened, Kokomo was punched in the economic throat. Then, a dozen tornadoes on the same day, during the same storm? Yeah, I don't recommend Kokomo. They are not growing fast enough to meet the needs of their community. 

November 2020~Back in isolation. Now begins the passive-aggressive punishments, She has had 60 days to think of really good ones. I don't want to talk about it.

December 2020~I GOT TO GTFO!! This woman is driving me crazy. I'm fighting back and now it's simple abuse. Not physical, but constant emotional and verbal abuse. And I'm making sure to dole it out. I WON'T TAKE IT THIS TIME. I FIGHT BACK THIS TIME! Everything that comes out of my mouth is an insult. Everything that comes from me is blatant in your face verbal abuse. And NO! I don't "feel bad" for calling my own mother a cunt, a bitch, and whore to her face daily now. She started it because I wouldn't print out a receipt for her on the computer. I sent the receipt to her phone instead. She called me a cunt for not cooperating with her. Oh it's on! You fuckin diseased cunt hole! No more denial. No more devaluation from you. No more! No more! No more! I'm worth 1 million of you! NO MORE!

January 2021~I hurt myself physically getting away from her. I picked up a bag and injured my shoulder, arm, elbow, wrist, and hand. Very Badly. I threatened the Predator with telling the police what he had done in order to get money for gas. Oh, I have proof. I have THREE witnesses that would have gone to court for me, just to see that pervert do time. The dumbass was actually caught red-handed by my brother. So the predator KNEW I had him by his balls in the way he didn't want them to be had. Part of her Narcissism is that she has to look good in front of other people. She didn't say anything to anyone about the abuse. And I know she stayed away from the house because I was leaving. She also knew I would need money to do it too. The Pandemic was useful to me in this way. I got money for gas and I got money to help set me up in a better, safer location with my daughter. The journey was slow. My car is on its last legs. My poor dragon was abused as badly as I was while there.

But now that I am in a better, safer place, I'm still not done. I'm badly injured. Without insurance. Without job. Still in panic mode. And now in a deep state of grief and bad habit. The abuse I was dealing out was a bad habit to pick up. For me it was like a knee-jerk drug addiction. A few times was enough for me for the bad mouth to become part of me. I knew I was going to have a bad time of things, but my final defense became a detriment later. Cynical, bitter, resentful, spiteful, sad....toxic! And grief. You used your diseased, perverted husband to try to trauma bond your daughter...who fuckin does that?! A monster! And now, I'm mirroring some of her behavior! I'm a monster too. Over my dead fuckin corpse I'm like you! Now, I have to crawl out of this nasty toilet hole I was inadvertently dumped into by my mother as I was too sick to manage myself. You waited until your daughter was unable to take care of herself and took advantage of her to try to absolve your fear of abandonment. I'm not sick, Mom, YOU are. YOU are "crazy." YOU need meds. YOU need "help." YOU need to be in an asylum. And I will NEVER "help" you again.

Again, I already have Complex PTSD and Borderline Personality Disorder. Now, the Emotional turmoil has reached its peak~oh no. Wait another couple of months. YOu are gonna live stream real-life Borderline Personality Disorder that no one has ever seen before. No one is gonna understand that either. There are not too many people that can conceive the surface level of unstable emotions that come from a consistently abused empath. Also, its gonna finally sink in that you hurt Stone fairly badly without even realizing it. Not that he didn't hurt you, but that doesn't dismiss or devalue your responsibility in the situation nor can you absolve your own accountability for it. Accountability being a large part of my Identity, Of course, I lose my shit over that too. Oh, and the Doctor of whom you to went to for advice...why did you even bother. The outlaw had made himself clear by his actions a year ago. He was never going to help you, advice or otherwise. I'll just punish myself for not reading the situation correctly and just being stupid in the entire affair. There was no genuine interest out of these people to help or be your friend. It was social media during a pandemic. How dumb can you be?

Oh, your mother issue answered that, didn't it? Trusting. Stupid.  Everything that you have tried not to be since you realized this is how your ex-husband worked you.

I'll just lose my shit for the next 6 months, shall I? Yes and Thank you.

February 2021~Freeze and Ruminate. Repeat. By the way, the tenants that you trusted with the care of your house, destroyed it. Now you have to clean it up...with no money because they decided not to pay rent for..I don't know...the entire time you were sick and unable to take care of yourself. So yeah, good luck cleaning that up Bitch!

March 2021~mind lost? check! Unstable emotions? check! Physically unable to move? check! Miserable? Check! Good. Continue to fuck off, Bitch! yay...

April 2021~ Beloved pet dies. More greif! More on your already overwhelmed plate. Thank you. Until next month!

May 2021~Pain? check! Misery? Check!

June 2021~sigh

July 2021~ whatever

August 2021~ Discovery, Reflection, confusion. Tears. But what more? Am I finally done with this purge?

Yeah, I think I'm stabilizing now. I'm managing better at least. I'm starting to look for healing techniques. I've discovered the difference between "talking therapy" and "Working Therapy" (This is why I kept saying Therapy doesn't work. Because I've been looking for a working therapist, not a talking one and all I've had access to is talkies) I still have times when I'm absolutely in misery. But I'm so tired of it. It's time for me to get back up on my wagon. It's time to start my task list again. As I said before, Someone else may be responsible for putting me in a situation, but it's up to me to get out. Or at least put effort into my healing process. I can't sit around and cry and bitch forever. I'm also no longer limited by Rural environment. I live in the city again. Internet is conistant. If things go really rotten, there is a counseling center within walking distance. I'm limited by money. But where there is a will, there is a way. Youtube and free counseling, self-help books (Library is also within walking distance) Also online libraries, my point is, I have some ways of figuring this out on my own if I put in my due diligence. The time of sorrow is over. I hope, for the last time.

I have cut all ties with my female biological unit. The past no longer matters. Everything on that side is cut away. For me at least. I'm not looking at the future. I'm looking at me now. Licking my wounds. Drying my tears. Knowing that I am valued. I mean something. I am worthy and special. I deserve happiness. And I'm going to give it to me. 

So, where did all this come from? Suddenly, I'm out from under my rock, writing about shit again. Well, I was inspired. I was watching a video about Narcissistic mothers that was filmed on Mother's day. The host Didn't want to be insensitive to men...on mothers day...LOL. I wrote this in the comment section.

"I'm so sorry. I laughed so hard at the "Men are involved in child-rearing" That might be true, but I have zero experience with this. I don't even know what that looks like. My BPD would prevent me from ever admitting that exists because it causes overwhelming emotions of jealousy and rage. I have never known "Healthy Father" because I have never known "Healthy Mother" These two character archetypes are co-creators. Whether these people live with each other or not, both have a heavy impact on child development. She was toxic. Regardless of the men that flowed through the house, they were toxic because she was. The name of God is Mother on the lips of children. What happens when the child realizes God has been Satan all along? Covert Narcissism + fear of abandonment+Scientology+ Quiverfull=Suicidial Tendencies. Sorry, Mother is more important than Dad."

And I'm not sorry I wrote that. I'm not ever taking it back either. From the moment of conception, the womb that holds you has more impact on a child's development than the penis that seeded it. Physically, Mentally, Spiritually, emotionally, socially, in all ways, MOTHER is the base for children's way of thinking being and doing. And the way our society glorifies breastfeeding...are you kidding me? The Father does have a role, but compared to the 90 percent of mothers?! Dudes don't have breasts. so until that child is weened, Mom is God. So, if your Mother is toxic and fucked in the head, chances are that Dad is too.

I have to admit to that. I was toxic. I had no idea I was toxic. The difference is, when I realized I was in the wrong, I made attempts to correct myself until I was right. Maybe I'll never be "right" but I'll also never be like I was. I'm much less screwed up than I was before.

But because I was unhealthy, my husband was unhealthy. Of course, he was! I married him. I choose him. And so it goes in a spectrum of unhealthy relationships. Some are more unhealthy than others, but still, that is how it goes. What made me different was my CHOICES. MINE. MY CHOICES. HEALTHY CHOICES! Regardless of how healthy my relationship did matter, but only in the short term. What mattered in the long term was

the healthy choices I made to make the situation as right as I could at the time I could make them with the knowledge I had at the time.

This is the most important thing that any parent, regardless of gender, can do for their child. Through action, it shows the child that they are important enough, loved enough, to change a parent's life for the better. There is nothing more important to a child, even if the child wouldn't know or notice until Adulthood. Not only that, but also the value the parent holds for themselves is reflected in the child. If mom doesn't think she is valued or has value, then why on earth would the child of that same parent hold any value? It is the Duty and the Honor of every person who is a parent to look at themselves, from the start, and ask "What legacy do I want to leave for this child and every child that comes after?"

Money can be taken or lost.

Lands & Home can be lost, destroyed, or damaged.

Power & Wealth can corrupt & destroy with impunity.

Governments & Thrones can change or be usurped.

Children can and will conquer and destroy that which parents took a lifetime to build.

What can be left behind with any permanency? Something that is so hard to change or get rid of that children for generations cannot fight against without serious labor and effort.

How about their own humanity? Behavior patterns. Habits. Routines, Rituals, Culture.

This starts with a strong-minded, hard-willed, and wise parent. The Mother.

With her rests power and Magic to influence and bless her progeny with strong, stable, core values. That means SHE must start with herself. She must live as her own heroine. Be her own Heroine. And show her children that consistent healthy choices will not win you the lottery, but these choices and behavior patterns are healthy and for the benefit of not only them but their own children as well.

These patterns do not go unnoticed. As the children grow up and live their own lives, these kids' positive behaviors influence other kids and adults. It brings light and hope into a sad, dark world. By the time they are adults, these healthy patterns are so ingrained into them, they don't think about being polite or kind. They simply do it. But more than that, if the time comes to be adaptable, they adapt in healthy ways, rather than unhealthy ways. Because in their world, unhealthy simply isn't an option. Their core thought patterns don't work that way. And if ever there comes a child who is contrary enough to go that direction, their conscious will not let alone the whole of their lives. And thus, the Words of the Gods will weigh them down until they comply or die under the stress of their own choices. There is no need for hatred or Hell, because of this pattern of being. They pay the blood price for their own unhealthy, willful, stupid choices.

Okay, so that is to say, this would be the ideal in a perfect world. Alas, this is not the case, unless you guide your world in this direction. I was born unlucky. I got stuck with a lazy, frightened, traumatized girl who was soothing herself with sex and drugs at a biker orgy in the 70's. But that is not MY legacy. It is simply my origin and nothing more.

So at the close of this month of August the 31st, in the year of 2021, I thought I was going to give up. I swore I was done. I was going to give in. But I don't think so. Once more I have decided that I would rather finish the game. Not because of my kids or leaving a legacy. Not because I'm angry and living a life would spite my enemies and my mother because she could not claim to have "helped me"

No, I'm finishing the game because it is who I am. It is my choice. My choice defines me. I' more than a survivor or a warrior. And I have more to do, whatever that is. Also, it is a healthy choice. And healthy choices are a habit of mine I cannot seem to break. I have made many healthy choices not discussed here. My ego and Borderline Personality Disorder like to devalue them and minimize them. But truth be told, they hold significant weight now that I know it's not "normal" for my kind to make them consistently. I will bend and crack, but I will not break. 

That's why my mother failed.

That's also why I'm still in love with Loki. He was right. I'm the strongest bitch he knows. I'm like him in so many ways. That is why is he is still in love with me, albeit far away. He shows me Emotional Permanence and Object Consistency that I was denied as a child. Love was used as a reward system, given and taken sometimes within minutes. But with him, it's always there. Regardless of what is happening in the moment. It's NEVER taken back. Ever. How could I ever take my vow back from him? I still love him. 

For all Time. Always.

(LOL!! It was too good to pass up!)