Tuesday, August 31, 2021

Reaction or a Response

As part of my new Therapy, I have had to adjust my to-do list. Well, I've had to adjust everything. So here is what happened.

February 2020~My world was shattered in a very real way. This perspective altered my entire way of viewing my world and what was happening in it. I told myself that was alright, I can deal with this. My guess is that it was shock. I no longer co-operate with anything or anyone. I "shut down" as I try to process what the actual fuck just happened to me.

March 2020~As I dealt with a rejection I did not think was that important, I also lost my "favorite person" To anyone that doesn't have Borderline Personality Disorder, this will mean nothing to you. For those who DO understand, I lost my favorite person of more than 10 years. The downward spiral has begun.

April 2020~I have lost my favorite community. As the shock continues to roll me downhill, all I can do is allow this to occur. But not without a great amount of helpless rage. Most of my coping skills are pointless. My to-do list goes dry. I'm scrambling to anchor/ground myself on what I can. My body begins to retaliate against me. Physical pian and illness begin to sharpen. This is all snowballed at me towards the end of the month. At the beginning of the month, I was in deep denial, as a defense. It did not work.

May 2020~Red flags had turned into Silent Hill Alarms of Red Alert. Not from social media but from within my living space. I stopped trying to please my covert narcissist mother. I stopped being cooperative. I stopped doing everything. My eyes have been opened and all the signs that had been stacking against me are now in my face. I can no longer deny that I am not safe. I am not loved. I am not wanted. Also, it was made painfully clear that my purpose was to be in isolation, under the direct control of my mother. It was my sole purpose to serve her. Clean her house and be at her beck and call. If I made any mention or action towards possible independence, it was passively-aggressively pumished. It was made clear to me that my mother was a covert narcissist with a fear of abandonment. And her fear was so strong, she began to groom me at infancy. I made attempts to deny this was not happening. I must be crazy. I must be sick. I need medication. I need "help"

June 2020~The descent into hell is a slow one, even when you give up and go willingly. It's like a slow horrible elevator ride filled with gaseous people and terrible music. Panic. Cry. Get angry. Nothing and no one will help you, even if you ask. 

July 2020~This has to be Loki's fault. All Loki's are evil. And now, I hate his guts. I hate his voice. I hate his opinions. I hate all Loki Varients regardless of claim. I wish they would all shut up. I have betrayed my favorite person. I have betrayed me. My pain, shame, sorrow, rage, jealousy, and helplessness have made me into a monster. And I can't help it. My MOTHER, the one person in all the world on whom one can trust with everything, had viciously and maliciously caused me to be where I was~helpless and co-dependant on her. I had been purposely programmed to behave in this way. No mother would do this to her child. Scientology and Quiverfull, those things were just curiosity. She wouldn't actually use any of those horrible torture techniques on her kids. That's insane! I'm wrong. Loki made me think this way. So, its his fault.

August 2020~My life is out of control. And I have been in a silent battle with my mother for a while. I did NOT give it full attention or thought. My step-father's perversion and predatory nature was being used by my mother in an attempt to counter some of the covert battles schemes that I had learn to block. She could. now, reuse most of her "trauma bonding/I'll rescue you" techniques from my childhood while I'm an adult. A 40 YEAR-OLD ADULT! She continued to allow this behavior by continuing to forgive him. 

Comunity people "reached out" because they were "concerned" They were NOT concerned. If I've learned anything, it's this. When two females approach you with "Concern" and these females have never before spoken to you or for you, they are NOT concerned. They are fishing for gossip and information. ANYONE who doesn't give you the time of day beyond Hello and Goodbye comes to you out of "concern" Is faking, lying, and manipulating you for their own amusements. I told them a bunch of stuff that was true and a load of stuff that was false. Both women ate it up like Ice Cream. In addition, I wasn't supposed to know that another person was in the background feeding them questions to ask. I thought it might have been a Variant of my favorite person, but there is no way to know for sure and never will be. By this point, I was banished from nearly 100% of the community for various reasons. But the main reason being that the Varient had banished me and his minions followed suit without asking why. The simple reason is that we both had deep-rooted feelings for each other that we could not explain. He was in a relationship that he could not escape. And It hurt me every day to hear him and know I could not hold him, kiss, him, and comfort him at all. We were estranged and neither of us could handle it. It hurt to hold the stone in my heart. Combined with everything that was happening in my life and the spiritual confusion, I could not handle my emotions, became unstable, reacted badly, and ruined him and myself in the process. (Oh, he is very guilty too. Don't think for a minute I don't hold him accountable for his portion.) I lost that community. Which is a good thing. As I ruined him, his youtube show became more and more toxic until his show turned into another episode of flaming fanboy.  The only person I still talk to says that he has mellowed since then. And I'm glad that he eventually did take my advice and expanded his show effectively and became less toxic over a year. I'm also glad that he didn't implode and lose his channel. And I hope he is doing well enough to get by at least. As for the rest of the community, they have done nothing except prove that they themselves are the "sheeple" they claim to hate. They definitely did not think for themselves, didn't ask questions, and followed the leader. But what would one expect out of a group of toxic, soy-hating, fanboys? Oh, I know. Let's argue about Kirk and Picard again. That's always fun, right?

At home, My Mother found out I was leaving to visit someone in Indiana. She pulled it all out of the bag! Anything to prevent me from going. I wasn't going permanently. That was not the intent at first. It was after she pulled the "you can't take the car" bullshit. I didn't need the car. My friend knew what she was pulling and told me that she would come in her own car to get me. And she did. My mother thought I was lying. And did not believe that my friend would even show up. I left.

September & October 2020~Breathing. Healing. Trying to find a job. Trying to find a way out. That was not in the cards. The Divine had guided me back to my hometown in order to tie up loose ends and nothing more. Finding a job wasn't going to happen either. Whoever said that there were jobs all over is a LIAR! Most of those "jobs" were fishing for people's information. Do NOT tell me I'm not "qualified" to work a register at Dollar Tree. A monkey could manage a register at Dollar Tree! What a load horseshit! Too many people needing jobs and not enough real jobs to cover. I did not know that many people had been chased out of Chicago. These people are taking over the town. Kokomo is growing and not being able to catch up to the growth. Its already kinda squashed up on Tipton,Greentown, and Carmel. And yeah, not enough jobs now that Delco and Chrysler have downsized like they have! When I was a kid, if you couldn't get a job there, one could always try Grisom Air Force Base. Clinton Administration took that away. And when the GMC thing happened, Kokomo was punched in the economic throat. Then, a dozen tornadoes on the same day, during the same storm? Yeah, I don't recommend Kokomo. They are not growing fast enough to meet the needs of their community. 

November 2020~Back in isolation. Now begins the passive-aggressive punishments, She has had 60 days to think of really good ones. I don't want to talk about it.

December 2020~I GOT TO GTFO!! This woman is driving me crazy. I'm fighting back and now it's simple abuse. Not physical, but constant emotional and verbal abuse. And I'm making sure to dole it out. I WON'T TAKE IT THIS TIME. I FIGHT BACK THIS TIME! Everything that comes out of my mouth is an insult. Everything that comes from me is blatant in your face verbal abuse. And NO! I don't "feel bad" for calling my own mother a cunt, a bitch, and whore to her face daily now. She started it because I wouldn't print out a receipt for her on the computer. I sent the receipt to her phone instead. She called me a cunt for not cooperating with her. Oh it's on! You fuckin diseased cunt hole! No more denial. No more devaluation from you. No more! No more! No more! I'm worth 1 million of you! NO MORE!

January 2021~I hurt myself physically getting away from her. I picked up a bag and injured my shoulder, arm, elbow, wrist, and hand. Very Badly. I threatened the Predator with telling the police what he had done in order to get money for gas. Oh, I have proof. I have THREE witnesses that would have gone to court for me, just to see that pervert do time. The dumbass was actually caught red-handed by my brother. So the predator KNEW I had him by his balls in the way he didn't want them to be had. Part of her Narcissism is that she has to look good in front of other people. She didn't say anything to anyone about the abuse. And I know she stayed away from the house because I was leaving. She also knew I would need money to do it too. The Pandemic was useful to me in this way. I got money for gas and I got money to help set me up in a better, safer location with my daughter. The journey was slow. My car is on its last legs. My poor dragon was abused as badly as I was while there.

But now that I am in a better, safer place, I'm still not done. I'm badly injured. Without insurance. Without job. Still in panic mode. And now in a deep state of grief and bad habit. The abuse I was dealing out was a bad habit to pick up. For me it was like a knee-jerk drug addiction. A few times was enough for me for the bad mouth to become part of me. I knew I was going to have a bad time of things, but my final defense became a detriment later. Cynical, bitter, resentful, spiteful, sad....toxic! And grief. You used your diseased, perverted husband to try to trauma bond your daughter...who fuckin does that?! A monster! And now, I'm mirroring some of her behavior! I'm a monster too. Over my dead fuckin corpse I'm like you! Now, I have to crawl out of this nasty toilet hole I was inadvertently dumped into by my mother as I was too sick to manage myself. You waited until your daughter was unable to take care of herself and took advantage of her to try to absolve your fear of abandonment. I'm not sick, Mom, YOU are. YOU are "crazy." YOU need meds. YOU need "help." YOU need to be in an asylum. And I will NEVER "help" you again.

Again, I already have Complex PTSD and Borderline Personality Disorder. Now, the Emotional turmoil has reached its peak~oh no. Wait another couple of months. YOu are gonna live stream real-life Borderline Personality Disorder that no one has ever seen before. No one is gonna understand that either. There are not too many people that can conceive the surface level of unstable emotions that come from a consistently abused empath. Also, its gonna finally sink in that you hurt Stone fairly badly without even realizing it. Not that he didn't hurt you, but that doesn't dismiss or devalue your responsibility in the situation nor can you absolve your own accountability for it. Accountability being a large part of my Identity, Of course, I lose my shit over that too. Oh, and the Doctor of whom you to went to for advice...why did you even bother. The outlaw had made himself clear by his actions a year ago. He was never going to help you, advice or otherwise. I'll just punish myself for not reading the situation correctly and just being stupid in the entire affair. There was no genuine interest out of these people to help or be your friend. It was social media during a pandemic. How dumb can you be?

Oh, your mother issue answered that, didn't it? Trusting. Stupid.  Everything that you have tried not to be since you realized this is how your ex-husband worked you.

I'll just lose my shit for the next 6 months, shall I? Yes and Thank you.

February 2021~Freeze and Ruminate. Repeat. By the way, the tenants that you trusted with the care of your house, destroyed it. Now you have to clean it up...with no money because they decided not to pay rent for..I don't know...the entire time you were sick and unable to take care of yourself. So yeah, good luck cleaning that up Bitch!

March 2021~mind lost? check! Unstable emotions? check! Physically unable to move? check! Miserable? Check! Good. Continue to fuck off, Bitch! yay...

April 2021~ Beloved pet dies. More greif! More on your already overwhelmed plate. Thank you. Until next month!

May 2021~Pain? check! Misery? Check!

June 2021~sigh

July 2021~ whatever

August 2021~ Discovery, Reflection, confusion. Tears. But what more? Am I finally done with this purge?

Yeah, I think I'm stabilizing now. I'm managing better at least. I'm starting to look for healing techniques. I've discovered the difference between "talking therapy" and "Working Therapy" (This is why I kept saying Therapy doesn't work. Because I've been looking for a working therapist, not a talking one and all I've had access to is talkies) I still have times when I'm absolutely in misery. But I'm so tired of it. It's time for me to get back up on my wagon. It's time to start my task list again. As I said before, Someone else may be responsible for putting me in a situation, but it's up to me to get out. Or at least put effort into my healing process. I can't sit around and cry and bitch forever. I'm also no longer limited by Rural environment. I live in the city again. Internet is conistant. If things go really rotten, there is a counseling center within walking distance. I'm limited by money. But where there is a will, there is a way. Youtube and free counseling, self-help books (Library is also within walking distance) Also online libraries, my point is, I have some ways of figuring this out on my own if I put in my due diligence. The time of sorrow is over. I hope, for the last time.

I have cut all ties with my female biological unit. The past no longer matters. Everything on that side is cut away. For me at least. I'm not looking at the future. I'm looking at me now. Licking my wounds. Drying my tears. Knowing that I am valued. I mean something. I am worthy and special. I deserve happiness. And I'm going to give it to me. 

So, where did all this come from? Suddenly, I'm out from under my rock, writing about shit again. Well, I was inspired. I was watching a video about Narcissistic mothers that was filmed on Mother's day. The host Didn't want to be insensitive to men...on mothers day...LOL. I wrote this in the comment section.

"I'm so sorry. I laughed so hard at the "Men are involved in child-rearing" That might be true, but I have zero experience with this. I don't even know what that looks like. My BPD would prevent me from ever admitting that exists because it causes overwhelming emotions of jealousy and rage. I have never known "Healthy Father" because I have never known "Healthy Mother" These two character archetypes are co-creators. Whether these people live with each other or not, both have a heavy impact on child development. She was toxic. Regardless of the men that flowed through the house, they were toxic because she was. The name of God is Mother on the lips of children. What happens when the child realizes God has been Satan all along? Covert Narcissism + fear of abandonment+Scientology+ Quiverfull=Suicidial Tendencies. Sorry, Mother is more important than Dad."

And I'm not sorry I wrote that. I'm not ever taking it back either. From the moment of conception, the womb that holds you has more impact on a child's development than the penis that seeded it. Physically, Mentally, Spiritually, emotionally, socially, in all ways, MOTHER is the base for children's way of thinking being and doing. And the way our society glorifies breastfeeding...are you kidding me? The Father does have a role, but compared to the 90 percent of mothers?! Dudes don't have breasts. so until that child is weened, Mom is God. So, if your Mother is toxic and fucked in the head, chances are that Dad is too.

I have to admit to that. I was toxic. I had no idea I was toxic. The difference is, when I realized I was in the wrong, I made attempts to correct myself until I was right. Maybe I'll never be "right" but I'll also never be like I was. I'm much less screwed up than I was before.

But because I was unhealthy, my husband was unhealthy. Of course, he was! I married him. I choose him. And so it goes in a spectrum of unhealthy relationships. Some are more unhealthy than others, but still, that is how it goes. What made me different was my CHOICES. MINE. MY CHOICES. HEALTHY CHOICES! Regardless of how healthy my relationship did matter, but only in the short term. What mattered in the long term was

the healthy choices I made to make the situation as right as I could at the time I could make them with the knowledge I had at the time.

This is the most important thing that any parent, regardless of gender, can do for their child. Through action, it shows the child that they are important enough, loved enough, to change a parent's life for the better. There is nothing more important to a child, even if the child wouldn't know or notice until Adulthood. Not only that, but also the value the parent holds for themselves is reflected in the child. If mom doesn't think she is valued or has value, then why on earth would the child of that same parent hold any value? It is the Duty and the Honor of every person who is a parent to look at themselves, from the start, and ask "What legacy do I want to leave for this child and every child that comes after?"

Money can be taken or lost.

Lands & Home can be lost, destroyed, or damaged.

Power & Wealth can corrupt & destroy with impunity.

Governments & Thrones can change or be usurped.

Children can and will conquer and destroy that which parents took a lifetime to build.

What can be left behind with any permanency? Something that is so hard to change or get rid of that children for generations cannot fight against without serious labor and effort.

How about their own humanity? Behavior patterns. Habits. Routines, Rituals, Culture.

This starts with a strong-minded, hard-willed, and wise parent. The Mother.

With her rests power and Magic to influence and bless her progeny with strong, stable, core values. That means SHE must start with herself. She must live as her own heroine. Be her own Heroine. And show her children that consistent healthy choices will not win you the lottery, but these choices and behavior patterns are healthy and for the benefit of not only them but their own children as well.

These patterns do not go unnoticed. As the children grow up and live their own lives, these kids' positive behaviors influence other kids and adults. It brings light and hope into a sad, dark world. By the time they are adults, these healthy patterns are so ingrained into them, they don't think about being polite or kind. They simply do it. But more than that, if the time comes to be adaptable, they adapt in healthy ways, rather than unhealthy ways. Because in their world, unhealthy simply isn't an option. Their core thought patterns don't work that way. And if ever there comes a child who is contrary enough to go that direction, their conscious will not let alone the whole of their lives. And thus, the Words of the Gods will weigh them down until they comply or die under the stress of their own choices. There is no need for hatred or Hell, because of this pattern of being. They pay the blood price for their own unhealthy, willful, stupid choices.

Okay, so that is to say, this would be the ideal in a perfect world. Alas, this is not the case, unless you guide your world in this direction. I was born unlucky. I got stuck with a lazy, frightened, traumatized girl who was soothing herself with sex and drugs at a biker orgy in the 70's. But that is not MY legacy. It is simply my origin and nothing more.

So at the close of this month of August the 31st, in the year of 2021, I thought I was going to give up. I swore I was done. I was going to give in. But I don't think so. Once more I have decided that I would rather finish the game. Not because of my kids or leaving a legacy. Not because I'm angry and living a life would spite my enemies and my mother because she could not claim to have "helped me"

No, I'm finishing the game because it is who I am. It is my choice. My choice defines me. I' more than a survivor or a warrior. And I have more to do, whatever that is. Also, it is a healthy choice. And healthy choices are a habit of mine I cannot seem to break. I have made many healthy choices not discussed here. My ego and Borderline Personality Disorder like to devalue them and minimize them. But truth be told, they hold significant weight now that I know it's not "normal" for my kind to make them consistently. I will bend and crack, but I will not break. 

That's why my mother failed.

That's also why I'm still in love with Loki. He was right. I'm the strongest bitch he knows. I'm like him in so many ways. That is why is he is still in love with me, albeit far away. He shows me Emotional Permanence and Object Consistency that I was denied as a child. Love was used as a reward system, given and taken sometimes within minutes. But with him, it's always there. Regardless of what is happening in the moment. It's NEVER taken back. Ever. How could I ever take my vow back from him? I still love him. 

For all Time. Always.

(LOL!! It was too good to pass up!)

Time Passed, Shadow Ruminated & Mind Harassed

 Many things occurred, but nothing happened. Not like it was supposed to anyway. The last two years have been unstable. Not only for me but for so many others as well. So, why address it? In one short answer~Therepy. It helps to get it out.

I did have my life under a bit of control. I was healing. It was working.

Someone did not like that. That, someone, was being malicious. I did not want to admit to anyone, including myself, who that person was. Because of being forced to admit who destroyed me. I have not yet recovered. At all. It made things~grief~much worse and I lapsed back into a deep depression. A new kind of depression.

I feel emotionally trapped. Most people who share my style of upbringing and mental illness, do feel the same way I do. But in my particular case, I know exactly what the problem is, and have no idea how to get help or how-to guide myself out of it. The coping skills are not working as effectively as they did before. 

What I was doing, what I had learned on my own, was exactly correct. My affirmations, meditations, yoga, Physical training, my reading material, the instructional videos~everything worked!

Unfortunately, I got knocked on my ass by a very unexpected truth. And as I said, it destroyed all that wonderful work. But not in the standard "destroyed." I'm standing in unknown territory now. 

Have you ever seen Castaway? It's a movie from a while ago. The main character is played by Tom
Hanks. (Upcoming spoiler alert)~ So, that movie ends with the main character standing at a dirt crossroads somewhere in Texas. He's just standing there between four roads, not really knowing which direction to take. You see, he let his angel go back home to Texas. He didn't have anything Divine to set his compass too. 

For 7 years on that little island, he had that Angel and Wilson. Nobody else. It didn't matter if anyone else thought they were real or not. It mattered that he did. They were real to the main character. They were real. Just like real people, he moved on to something better. And because he made that choice, he lost their friendship. They could not follow him into his new life, wherever or whatever that might be. I often wonder how long did he stand there, overwhelmed with options and grief, before he finally drove on. It wasn't 7 years but it was a significant amount of time without a doubt.

When I came out of my isolation, I found that the world had not moved on that much. Things were different, re-arranged and out of place, but for the most part, the world had not changed at all. I had changed. The way I looked at the world had changed, but the place I came from, the place I settled, the people I had left, had not really changed. Oh, yeah, they were older, maybe changed jobs~or lost jobs in the case of pandemic~ but aside from this, little had moved on to "better" things.

In the end, I imagine this character figured this out. The answer is very simple. If you want to move on,

It doesn't matter which direction you go, you will end up where the Divine needs you to be.

Alternatively, one may opt for the Monk's answer. Which is to sit and wait for the Divine to come to get you. Don't doubt that it will. Eventually. It will get you, like a bad cold.

Regardless of your choice, life is supposed to happen eventually.