Hello Peeper

 I see you peeping into the 3 inch opening in the doorway. You want to know how I am.

Grieving, of course.

I'm saying and doing things That I can't take back. I'm saying and doing things I don't mean. I'm going crazy and losing my shit. Being angry, spiteful and hurtful. Like Ciri and the rats. Or Billy fighting with Mike because he lost Ollie. Or Abby sneaking off into the night to look for Chicka. Or the Dr and his guitar on the tank. Drinking, singing, and chasing rabbits I know I can't catch. Not to catch them, but for the chase alone. Not sleeping. Looking for joy. almost..almost grasping it as it slips right out of my fingertips. Running away to alein planets. searching for mushrooms but doing my very best to avoid Eggman. Wanting so badly to play with my toys.

its all ash. 

I'm too grown up. too bitter. too resentful. blaming. swearing. feeling my aloneness when I'd rather be feeling like Elona. Feeling more like Elle, a pink dot in a sea of Seattle Grunge black hoodies. 

You are wondering if I'm ok.

No. I'm not ok. Especially at 4am on July 5th. having missed nearly all of what I asked for over decade ago. Why? money. transport. heat. A load of reasons. Stuck in the Henson Cube. The one we created together. (seriously...That one has warped my mind beyond all capacity to understand.) But also a reason I can't dismiss or let go.

Tettering on the edge of insanity and reality, is this happening? and for good or for ill, why isn't Tuasha here with me to enjoy it. becuase she made a choice. This time it wasn't her mom or circumstsance. it was all her. Making the dumbass choice to drink herself stupid every weekend, instead of kicking her lazy boyfeind out, telling her mom to piss off, telling her grown ass children to get out and get a job or at least help around the house. Taausha made choices. Becuase I loved her, I had to be ok with them.

so like a child, like an idiot, I'm facing abandonment issues again. I'm not allowed to blame. But I need to be angry. and I need a freind. why do they leave? At least Tash has an excuse right? she's dead. thats a pretty good reason to leave. But I dont know which is worse. a person who passes away or a person who simply fucks off. or a person who sticks around and emotionally abandons you. or a person who sticks around to hit you a while.

which is better? don't I deserve better? doesn't anyone?

life is pain. it doens't matter what kind of lipstick it wears, pink or black.

sometimes, you can do it right and still fail.

i have less than 60 days to discover my fate.

beleive me when i say, i'm on my knees hoping for a better ending than this.

now, leave me to cry. The door is stilll 3 inches. I made a promise.

I will finish the game.

Cryptocon Kansas City

Planet Anime Kansas City

SCA Bread Class

Welcome to Hellfire Club, Gators, Leavenworth 

see my 3 inches and Bet.