Saturday, March 19, 2016

400 Drunk Rabbits

With St. Patrick's day behind us and Easter ahead of us, I would like to resurrect Aztec  Divine Rabibts called, Centzon Totochtin, or 400 Drunken Rabbits. There is a story about them that can be found on Google and a very short list of Rabbits. The rest of the 395 (or so) Rabbits names and functions have been lost in time.

When I told my family of these drunk little furries, they laughed. And then we decided to name a few of our own. So without further ado, here is a list of Rabbits, that we believe, may have been a part of this group.

  1. Level- Headed Rabbit This is the guy at the party who drinks, moderately, and tries to keep other Rabbits out of trouble. Tries anyway
  2. Buzzed Rabbit This guy isn't drunk yet, but he is on his way
  3. Sings-Too-Loud-and-Off-Key Rabbit  He is also known as "This-Is-My-Song" Rabbit
  4. Removes-His-Clothes Rabbit This is the guy drunk enough to start stripping. It will lead to streaking before the night is over.
  5. Stumbling Rabbit- This guy can barely walk and may fall into the fire pit by the end of the night. The sacred question to this rabbit is "pissed on or stomped on?" which must be answered before you can be blessed by his divine drunkenness.
  6. Dehydration Rabbit- This guy is drunk and needs water. He keeps asking for it. But it is a mistake. The more water he drinks the drunker he gets. 
  7. Gets-sick Rabbit- Well, he drank all that water, what did you expect? He also did not eat dinner, he drank on an empty stomach. Makes you wonder what he is throwing up, doesn't it. He is also know n as Dry-Heave Rabbit.
  8. Beer Goggles Rabbit-  All the females in the room are fine. son!
  9. Tells-Stories Rabbit-  This guy has war stories, no-shit stories, Fish stores, drunk History, fairy tales, and whoppers. He can tell you all about them, all night long.
  10. Cries-To-The-Dead Rabbit-  This guy is crying and toasting his dead friends ALL. NIGHT. LONG. By the end of the night, even the dead what him to shut up. 
  11. Sex-In-Inappropriate-Places Rabbit- Wouldn't it be cool to screw that chick behind the dumpster in alley? You know the one that smells like urine and decaying flesh? In the bathroom, on the battlefield, under the bleachers...He is pretty creative, just give him a minute.
  12. Lost Rabbit- He got lost on the other side of the room, or in the bathroom. He forgot where he was camping. Yup, he is that drunk.
  13. Falls-Face-Down Rabbit- This guy is so drunk he fell face down in the road/ditch/mud. Sometimes, he stayed there.
  14. Naked-Night-Swim Rabbit-  Usually found at beaches or lake sides. But if he is found inland, he will talk about taking a trip to water so he can.
  15. Just-NOT-Drunk-Enough Rabbit-  This guy isn't drunk enough to do something he will regret. He has a twin brother. See #16.
  16. Just-Drunk-Enough Rabbit- This guy is just drunk enough to do something he will regret in the morning. He had one more drink than his twin brother. See #15.
  17. Urinates-On-Self Rabbit- He got so drunk, he peed his pants.
  18. Fights-With-Fists Rabbit-  He wants to fight. He will find one or make one.
  19. High-Brow Rabbit- He is drunk and thinks he is a genius.
  20. Spins-Bottle Rabbit- This drunk rabbit frequents underage parties. He isn't supposed to there and he knows it. He just doesn't care about consequences.
  21. Rejection Rabbit-  This guy is drunk and has a million pick-up lines. None of them work. He gets slapped...a lot.
  22. Bromance Rabbit- He is drunk and wants you to know how much he "loves you, Bro." No, he REALLY loves you, Bro.
  23. Can't-Stand-Up Rabbit- He can't stand up. He is usually seen in the company of Stumbles and Falls-Face-Down.
  24. Shit-Pants Rabbits- He is so drunk, he shit his pants. He is usually found, alone.
  25. Limp-Dick Rabbit- So drunk, he can't get it up.
  26. Get-Lucky Rabbit- How the hell did he manage to go home with three chicks AND convince them into a three way? Lucky Little has to be the feet...
  27. Hungry Rabbit- He is drunk and hungry. do not ask him what he is eating, you might not want to know.
  28. Smoking Rabbit- He is so drunk, he is chain smoking and doesn't know it. His throat will hurt in the morning.
  29. DUI Rabbit-  In Aztec times, this was probably "Riding-Donkey-While-Drunk Rabbit" This Rabbit is evil. Do not invite him to parties.
  30. Walk-Of-Shame Rabbit- Yeah, you know this guy...sigh
  31. Apology Rabbit-  This guy is drunk and apologizes for EVERYTHING all night long.
  32. Sports-Riot Rabbit-  I think he is Irish and loves Football (in the U.S. it's called Soccer). The point is, he REALLY LOVES Football!
  33. Throws-Rocks- Rabbit- Can be found in the company of Sports-Riot Rabbit. But he can be found in the company of a dumped lovers.
  34. Slashing-Tires Rabbit- He is found in the company of Sports-Riot Rabbit. But also in the company of dumped Lovers. (This might actually be some kind of frat)
  35. Business-Tie-Around-Forehead Rabbit- This rabbit is Japanese. He commutes from Brazil to Japan, frequently.
  36. Macho Rabbit-  This guy is drunk and is insecure about his manhood. So, he has to over play the cards. Elvis, cowboys, you name it. Just make you remember how manly and tough he is. Although, he is unwilling to prove it. He is often found in yelling matches out side the bar with Fights-With-Fists. 
  37. Daredevil Rabbit- He is drunk and willing to take bets and dares to do strange and dangerous things. Hangs out near college campuses. 
  38. Wallflower Rabbit- He is drunk but he is happy watching the chaos. He will cheer and egg on the party.
  39. Pyro Rabbit- He is drunk and has fire! 
  40. Suddenly-Not-Wearing-His-Own-Clothes Rabbit- He was wearing his own clothes earlier, what the hell happened? You know what? Nevermind.
  41. Found-Him-On-The-Roof Rabbit- There is always one in the crowd, isn't there?
  42. Toilet-Papered-The-Yard Rabbit- A modern rabbit for sure. Makes you wonder what the Aztecs did as an equivalent.
  43. One-More-Drink Rabbit- It is closing time but we have to have one more. One more won't hurt...
  44. Post-Party-At-My-House Rabbit-  They are moving this party to his house. Everyone's invited.
  45. Beer-Run Rabbit-  How can this guy drink and still be sober enough to supply the party? Divine magic, I guess.
  46. Sings-Till-Dawn Rabbit- You think it's the last song. Surprise! There is another one, too loud and off key. And yes, it IS the Calontir Shieldwall...again This Bunny is depicted with the Device of Calontir on his shield. (Google it. It's hilarious)
  47. Political Rabbit-  This rabbit is drunk and won't stop talking politics. Yes, in Ancient Aztec culture this rabbit spoke. He is STILL talking about politics and it's 2016.
  48. Can't-Stop-Hysterically-Laughing Rabbit- You told a joke two hours ago and he is still laughing. Only now, he is on the floor and rolling around. Urinates-On-Self is often seen in his company.
  49. The-Most-Interesting-Rabbit-In-The-World Rabbit- This guy has done everything. He has traveled everywhere. He knows every person. Males want to be him and females love him. Is he lying or telling the truth?
  50. Stash-It Rabbit- For some reason, you can't get caught with the booze and someone is knocking at the door! Where the hell did he stash the disco ball in the 15 seconds before the door was answered?
  51. Gear-Head Rabbit- A low key kind of Rabbit. He hangs out in the garage with his buddies, talking cars, and laying back a few.
  52. Honkey-Tonk Rabbit- Hangs out in Roadhouses and Country bars. Line dances and listens to Hank Williams. Actually has a broken down tractor and is in the middle of a divorce, with 13 starving children. Where does he get the money for beers at the tonk?
So, that is a drop in the bucket to the long list of 400 Drunk Rabbits. Got any more I didn't think of? Add some in the comments below. Thanks for reading.

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