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 Be aware that I am emotionally compromised. I will say this I don't mean or mean things I don't intend to be offensive. I'm lashing out in deep grief.

I will also say that, for a moment, Life wasn't so sad. The Dos Amigos Tour happened on my Birthday. For that, I'm very grateful. Dwight was up for most for the concert and his band gave a great show.  At the risk of sounding crude, Dwight can fill out a pair of jeans in the best possible way. Then, ZZtop came out and gave a good show too. I was yelling and waving. I did have fun. And then it was over. The moment has passed. It was a great distraction. I slept well.

The next day was not the same. It was horrible. I remembered real life. I remembered more than I wanted too. Then I got angry. well, more angry.

I've been doing a lot of remembering. I disappeared into a few places.  My daughter insisted on keeping the subscriptions for a little while longer. Which is fine. I got to catch up on Futurama and Rick and Morty.

So, there we were again. Some conversations just lifted off the recording and into the show. And for a moment, I was having fun. Then Rick started saying shit and I started to remember more. Like,

“Everyone’s scared of love, dipshit. You’ll learn that in your ’20s. It takes a very rare, very powerful being to be terrified of happiness.”

I said that to my kids that day. It's on the recording. I'm now terrified it won't happen. I guess I've healed enough to swing to the other side now. Happiness brings with it a seed of Hope. Hope is brutal and terrifying. Because its like chocolate to a starving orphan.  Don't let me taste something if I can't have it again. Its emotional safety. If I don't know how it is or that it exists, I can't know I'm missing it. I can't see it in others and understand jealousy. Seeing a person I love, seeing them happy and successful, knowing that I can't have that too hurts, It really hurts. Especially fi you know you helped them get to it. even a little. It hurts. It burns. And when the burn is over...

its cold. IT hides in the cold. Cold isn't dark or light. Cold, freezing, hurts. spiritual cold is beyond the human imagination. and it is utter horror. The Eldar don't go in certain places due to the cold. I wonder if Lovecraft knew about the cold. Because that is what humans really fear. is it genetic? Like part of our DNA remembers the nuclear winter of the comet all those millions of eons ago? who knows.

oh, one more thing. If I do say something to 'ruffle feathers' I am sorry. It isn't fair that I'm lashing out in confusion, fear, and pain. And yeah, I do remember asking in advance for forgiveness. But that doesn't mean its given. it only means I asked for it. I want out of my situation really badly and am willing to do some crazy shit to get out of it. I thought I found my way out of the box myself, but was solidly smacked right back in. I'm still inside the fuckin box. Is paramount or netflix or scott gonna get me out? or do I rot like Afton there? I don't know truly. I can say that i did everything I could do for myself. moving forward, regardless of the choices made by others, i finished the game and proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that I did everything I could do. From here on out, what happens, my conscience is solid and clear. My Gods are happy with me. So I'm good...spiritually wise. I'll be headed for greener places after this energy 'gets sucked off." (CBS Ghosts) anything else to up to other people to answer or Allow me to pass with a broken heart. The choice is no longer mine to make. I rolled the dice. I took a chance. I have to be ok with the outcome, even if its not to my benefit.