Sunday, January 9, 2022

A shadow revealed!

The Video

Down in the Comments, I leave this little jewel of illumination:

What a great video! THANK YOU, Jen! I think this is why I have real problems finding friends. When another person I would like to connect too shuts down and doesn't reciprocate, I end up dumping on them. They aren't talking or sharing anything. So they become objects. I talk AT them. It is because I recognize silent rejection or the refusal of reciprocation. Which I perceive as "Abuse" (I do all the work and the other stares blankly into space. Like my mother, whom is guilty of emotional neglect) Super wow on me! But how would I go about making changes to this? What the hell does a "real" friendship look like? Or in this case, what does it sound like?

Here's the article Jen references in her video; which I will also make references too:

The Article!

What can I say? Sometimes it takes another person with the same disorder to point out to a person with the same disorder how stupidly blind they have been in the past. Oh, don't worry. I've developed a healthy sense of Narcissism. I forgive myself for past behavior on the understanding that I will do something about it. Trust me, I won't forget. Loki won't let me forget this one. I'm fairly clear this is one of the next steps I am to work transforming. He has a plan for me. And I am one of the few who are willing to play a crucial leadership role when he takes over the new timeline. So, its important for me to step it the hell up. (I'm joking about the timeline thing. I can't resist poking fun at myself for over aggrandizing. It helps to balance out the ego.) 

Being serious, I have to take a closer look at my behavior. In my case, most of my reactions and/or responses are based on childhood trauma. Actual trauma, not "My parents didn't get me a pony" or "I didn't get the exact toy I wanted for Christmas" bullshit. Real trauma like, "I have bruises, welts, and bleeding up and down my backside from the lashings because I didn't make mommy look good enough for school" kind of trauma. So, I would say a great deal of my interactions are based on whether or not I'm being understood. Or the feeling of being understood. This is a paramount issue for me. 

In childhood my feelings were very often devalued. It was also followed by a statement that sounded like "I don't actually feel [what I feel] because [the situation or scenario] that incited the feelings didn't actually happen". So, when I tried to talk about [thing, situation, or feeling] I was told that I was lying, crazy, or stupid. I was over punished in a number of ways. But in a combination of the usual ways, physical, emotional, or spiritual. This is how an adult creates a Borderline Personality Disorder in the first place.

This is important to know because of the difference between Trauma Dumping and Actual Trauma experience. However, in my case, I think there is a level of both. This is due to the lack of resources and knowledge. In my attempt to seek "help", there is a high level of dumping but the trauma being real. Since most people are unfamiliar with real extended trauma, this dumping leaves most people in a state of panicked empathy and thus induces silence. Not because they don't care, but because they DO care and have no fuckin clue what to say or do to "help" anyone in that situation. On the other side of things, if they stare blankly at me, I also interpret that to be what my mother does, "Not listening at all." I often connect this type of behavior to a cow, staring blankly and chewing cud while you try to connect to it. It isn't going to happen. The cow doesn't understand a thing you say, isn't trying, and isn't intelligent enough to understand. So, it stares at you, while its in its head listening to itself trying to decide if the grass tastes better on the right or on the left side of where you are standing. The cow and I may as well be on completely different planets of existence. So, why do I keep trying to connect?

Mystification [John Bradshaw, Creating Love]  "Every mother loves it offspring and will do anything to nurture and nourish its development." This is a lie we tell ourselves to save us from the idea that we are surrounded by evil. Because there is nothing we can do to correct the toxic behaviors of abusive adults. So, as I demystify I must admit that the medicine I require will NEVER be administered by my female biological donor. Instead it must be administered by the one person who loves me the best, Myself  I must become the mother my wounded inner child needs and desires. I must provide nurturing and nourishment for her. I must connect to my inner child and listen to her when others will not. On the surface, this appears to be an impossible task.

I must de-mystify myself to myself. This is NOT easy. But I can do it. I've been through worse. I can admit to myself, the gods, and humanity that in the past I have been an asshole. I can learn how to forgive myself and ask others to forgive me too. I can move on and sleep at night in the knowledge that I did the right thing for myself at the right time, with the knowledge I had at the time, and thus re-committed myself to the oath of going forth to do better. When I move on from this world and my real dad, Odin, askes me what I did with my life to make him proud of me and the breathe I was granted. I can honestly, with a full heart, answer that I lived my best life with my genuine self. Believe me when I say, the All-Father wants to hear it, know its true, and my words and deeds to back that statement up. He will be proud to know his claim and investment in me was not wasted. Which is what any father wants. 

So, what's first? Well:

"The things people who trauma dump are likely to complain about are more in the lines of Feeling abused by a demanding boss, partner, or friend, being single, the fear of getting Covid, being unattractive, outrage when one is overlooked or not noticed, paranoid feelings that others are talking about or plotting against me, and a general attitude that the world is against me." ~The Article [see above] 

 OK, sins highlighted.

All these things are true. But the fact that I could not process them is the sin here. My ego wants me to DO something about the negative emotions that are incited by the topics above. The need and desire to SOLVE them like some Sherlock or Poirot story. That comes from a very human reaction to find resolve or closure for the injustice brought about by these negative feelings. But the over indulgence of natural self soothing instincts is not ok. There is no excuse for it. I can only claim ignorance and desperation. The only benefit I can glean from this journey is that it might have not been a mistake. I had the ability to really grieve over these trespasses of my childhood. Because I blew up the way I did, I healed my inner child by allowing her to explode in the way that she did. Deep down, the explosion wasn't about a few years of negative stuff. It was about decades of suppressed bullshit. It is unfortunate that it all came out in a single year. It is also unfortunate about who got caught in the storm. They have no idea that this allowed so much healing and ascension for me personally. Perhaps someday I could tell them and thank them. Only time will tell.

The habit of oversharing certainly is not healthy. Especially since my World has turned and there is a promise of a new beginning. I can't be true to myself if I don't let go of the past to make room for the new. This means letting go of the old trauma. That means getting out of the habit of over sharing and, especially, over emoting. I have Borderline Personality Disorder. Over emoting, Emotional Dysregulation, unstable moods, that is what it means to be Border. Its not an excuse. Its my challenge to overcome. So, how do I do that?

"People turn to trauma dumping because they are told that sharing how they feel is a good thing, but not told how to process their emotions." ~The Article

It is average that I do not know HOW to process emotions. I didn't have the resources, tools, or knowledge at the time. That is exactly what I was looking for at the time, even though I didn't have the insight to label it that way. That is not an excuse. It is a challenge to overcome.

As the article continues, the author suggests many logical things. "Threat Brain" I can solidly confirm. I have a deep fear of being rejected and abandoned. (Thanks biological donor units. Both of you suck at being human) I don't like how it feels to be devalued. I have learned that being devalued puts my life in serious danger. It is so ingrained now that I will not ever get rid of that knowledge. So the "Dumping" becomes me trying to convince someone else that I have value. I matter. And I will tell you how and why I matter. I will beat you with it. As the article author says, it becomes a "Trauma Binge"

Well, this is how my brain works anyway.

I have been trying to over come this challenge of my disorder. Its difficult because I have absolutely no experience with "friendships" not real ones that include reciprocation factors in it. My longest relationship is with a person who never makes an effort to involve herself with me. I'm the one who has always reached out to her. But she is there when I need her. She has made it very clear this is how it goes down. I guess I'm ok with it because the relationship is so old. Bottom-line is, there is no reciprocation here. I do absolutely nothing for this woman. Nothing

The relationship with my friend Al is the same way. Now that she has a boyfriend, there is not really any relationship between us now. So much so a few weeks ago, she called to "break up" with me. I think it was because I told her she was moving to fast with the new guy. Less than 3 months into a relationship and she is asking me about getting married. I told her the truth. Yes, you are moving too fast! Well, I'm not supposed to be honest with people I love? Truth be told, I wouldn't know!

My friend Mandy has proven that she will listen and help with me but if she needs someone, I'm not it. She likes me. I know she does, but its pretty damn clear she won't be reciprocal in the relationship. My current family situation is the same. There is not very much moral support happening there. The only group I have had the courage to join is a running group with a drinking problem. They run between beers. I can't drink like that every weekend. I won't do it either. Peer pressure doesn't work on me very well.

The point here is that I currently have one slightly reciprocal relationship. This relationship is based on a Devotedly Passionate love of Loki. We are both active and practicing Pagans, Loki being the focus of much of our Divinely Focused practice. We are both nerdy fan girls of the Doctor. We both are crafty and love to brew. So, witchy stuff ahoy! The problem is that I do so much of the talking. She does share some things but not on my level. She assures me that she likes the fact that I talk. I have been practicing longer than her. I am teaching her so much. But that's not much of a friendship is it? It is a teacher/student relationship. I highly value this connection. I know Loki sent me to her for purpose. However, this serves him and it serves her. Does it truly serve me? Or am I dumping on her too?

Now let's talk about my worst "relationship". I will call her, Chair. I have known "chair" for a very long time. When Chair was younger, Chair had a favorite passion for Final Fantasy. Chair did not have anyone to talk to about it. Personally, I fuckin hate final fantasy with a deep passion. But I swallowed that for Chair. I learned about FF. I often spoke to Chair about it. This made Chair so happy! Chair would go on smiling and laughing. I was happy to help Chair be happy. Chair was absolutely shocked the day Chair found out my deep hate for Final Fantasy. Chair asked, "But if you hate it so much, why do you talk with me about it so often?" I said, "Chair, it makes YOU happy. That's why. You are my friend. You matter. That means the stuff you like matters too. So, I learned about FF. So I could talk about it with you." This was my attempt at building an intimate relationship with my friend.

Many years later and much hard work later, Chair has done NOTHING to reciprocate in the slightest. My side of the bridge is mostly built, while Chair sits on the other side bitching about how Chair's life sucks. And not doing anything about that either. Zero has been done on the side of Chair. I have so little respect for Chair, Chair is an object now. Chair betrayal to me and herself has demoted Chair's value in my eyes to the point of the value of  old, ugly, worn out furniture. The kind of object one keeps around because it belonged to grandpa. Not because you loved that grumpy old fart, but because grandma did. And SHE was the one who kept it around. That old Chair made grandma smile occasionally, so we keep it in the dining room in the dark corner next to the hutch.

That illuminates the "object" problem. Now, I have a better understanding of why I treat people as objects from time to time. It is because my wounded inner child has identified that person as dangerous. "Threat Brain" has demoted them to objects so I do not put any energy into them. Because I require reciprocation in my relationships. This is who I am. This is my disorder. Is that ok?

Yes. Because it is not my job to people please. You will like me and reciprocate enough to show it or you won't. If you don't, I do not have to treat you well. I'm not under any obligation to treat anyone "well" or "nice". It is a choice that I make. 

However, this is NOT a popular stance to take. For example, when I disagree with the popular kid, I will pay the price regardless of what or how I pose my disagreement. Especially if the popular kid thought I would always agree with him all the time. It hurts to hear that someone you really like will dump you in a New York Minute if you disagree with them on any issue after they have assured you and a huge group of people that he would never do such a thing and actively encouraged the rhetoric. The secret there was that he really didn't mean what he said. He needed  his yes men at the time because he was going through the shit too. It later occurred to me that this person was ALSO Trauma Dumping but in the traditional fanboy way. He can't share his crap, so he got mad at Disney and all the other IPs of note to give himself an excuse to rage into the Youtube channel. This is socially acceptable cognitive dissonance but completely off the mark. The distraction will prevent him from proper healing if he doesn't understand this very big piece of insight. Its easy to get lost in the Peer Group and behind the mask if that person isn't mindful. I fear that for him? You bet. But there isn't a damn thing I can do about it. Besides, I wouldn't know how to "help" him if he asked. But I love that asshole anyway. 

I don't know how to socially function. There is no resource for me on this one. I have put in some thought and the only answer I can come up with is what the problem is ~isolation. And I think this is what some of our modern problem is. Most of us do not know what a real relationship looks or sounds like. So we accept the toxicity of the relationships we do have or live toxic isolation from fear. At the very least, I can truly say I made an attempt. It failed miserably but I put fear behind me stepped out and exploded terribly before retreating back under my rock. 

I still don't have the answer to this issue. But I can promise, I am still working on it. And I'm closer to learning how to share every time I fail rather than not trying at all. So, I forgive myself again. I'm still proud of me. Because I'm a brave tough bitch. Failing in front of the class and still keeping my head up, not many can do that. Regardless of the amount of relationships a person has.

Was this a dump?

Hell no it wasn't.

It was self validation and confirmation of upward growth. Well done me.

May the force be with you. For all Time. Always.

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