Finding bits of ME

Don't be afraid, I have no hourglass. But can I have a moment of your time?

Unless you heard it, you wouldn't know that I let loose that day. Into that microphone, I poured my very soul. I also said I would pay the price for it too. Hindsight sight is 20/20.

So was that Self-forefilling prophecy or do I know myself enough that I saw it coming. Was it perhaps I had a stronger grasp of what magic really is before I understood it ramifications? I'll never know. And I can't remember. That's what those collectables are for, BTW. Pieces of me so I can find my way back. (Thanks for those BTW.) Unfortunately, I don't recognize them or myself. Do I? Like I know they are mine, but I don't have a receipt.

You know what reminded me? Standing on this side of the Timeline, it started out really cool. I was like, "hey! look at that. I said that once to someone." or "Hey, I wrote that in my blog."

Keep in mind I did get sick. I got really sick. You helped and I forgot. For that, I'm really sorry. Tearing the fabric of the veil has a cost, as you already know. A collection of things reminded me.

Doctor Who (I thought my eyeballs were gonna explode! You totally surprised me!)

(Dear Jodi, I made a mention at some point about Sheffield((possibly steel?)) The fact that Ncuti follows you in the list I must conclude that you are the blonde woman I saw on the TARDIS during the Main Console flipout. Since that is the case, don't ever forget that regardless of what the troll fan boys say, you ARE and ALWAYS WILL BE the 13th. Not because I said so, but because the TARDIS SAID SO. She is the ultimate decision maker of who is and who is not the Doctor. Not fanboys, not the BBC, and not Disney either. Only the TARDIS. Stand proud in that lineup!)

(Dear Ncuti, I'm sorry that I thought your accent was Jamacian. But I was on the TARDIS when I saw you and you know how chaotic and over whelming that can be. Even Sherlock misses stuff! Don't ever listen to haters. You ARE and always will be a brilliant 14th Doctor.) All this may sound Batshit. But on these topics I have no care for the social construct. When I know I'm correct in my assessments, I have the courage to be disliked. Call me Petty 'cause I won't back down.

Genie, Make a wish I'm a Genie! I danced with a Devil in broad daylight! Thank you!!

Betelgeuse, Betelgeuse (I can't think of Saturday Morning the same way again! Now when I think of Soul Train I laugh my ass off. People get weirded out by it. And MacArther Park makes more sense now) Blumhouse

Vienna Blood-  The mask. The fashion. The solved crimes. Steve Thompson! You are extremely talented. But you already knew that. Thank you.

Wednesday Alfred Gough and Miles Millar- Thanks for taking the pitch. But its in these cases that either, I can see the future or you took my idea. Either way, I'm nutz and nobody will believe me cause I don't have receipts!

NOS4A2 (Movie and Book! Thanks Joe! You're a peach!)

Harold and his purple crayon The Color of Magic. I'm glad you liked the gift. Take care, Harold.

Wonka

IT Dude! You remade IT! Steven, This ending rocked. It was better and it also better reflects you as a Master of the Craft. I did not mean to hurt your feels and I pray to any god that will listen that you aren't angry with me for saying you have bad endings. Because that hasn't been true for a long time now. Thank you.

One Piece- Dressrosa, Whole Cake Island, Zhou Arc, Wano Island, Nami's Fan Letter, (I'm in the middle of that one currently.) Also, may I say WOW! WOWWY WOW!! I never in a million years thought any of that was possible! I am super grateful!

Five Nights at Freddy's (of course)

I've been killing slimes for 300 years and maxed out my level (Thank you for making me a witch of the Highlands.)

The Witcher The next 50 years of Sir Geralt is gonna awesome AF! Ciri will find her righteous fire. Vilgefortz is toast!

K-Pop Demon Hunters (ok, this?! Seriously? well, hey if you're making money on it, who the hell am I to question it? But that was an idea I threw away. How many more of those did you...)

Nobody Wants This (ok. yup. That's me told. I might have planted the seed, but you are the ones that pulled that off.)

There are more! There's more?! Hellz yeah, there's more. I'm discovering more and more every day. Some I'm not so sure about but others are like a punch in the groin. I can't not notice.

The list got so long, my son stopped believing. Bonnie told me that I was a liar. There are many who play along with the crazy girl. And then, there are some who accuse me of being flat out delusional. We knew this would happen. But let me tell you, it's harder to live through it. It's so much harder to live through.

I know. I had a small part in all that. All I did was pitch about 100 ideas. I sang a couple sections of song. Recited some improv. Came up with a few bits of dialog. Described a few characters. Cast a couple faces. But even that small part, I can say I felt like I was a part of something bigger than myself. Something important. Maybe saved a few kids. But being denied even that tiny part by my son, who was there to witness the event? 

He told me that the encounter was a business transaction and nothing more. He gave Foxy a little bit of business advice so he wouldn't get eaten by a business known to devour the souls of the innocent. To him, it was a 15–20-minute conversation on how to survive without becoming an asshole. But I know in my dead black heart, that is not true. 

What was the secret of chocolate again? If you are reading this, you know the secret too. But how does that chocolate taste? Did we share the same chocolate? I was sure we did. But it seems Bonnie didn't actually eat the chocolate. He stuck it in his pocket and forgot!

Mr Bleacher stole his Hoodie and removed his only Goody, Oh No!

Ms Scrubbit says in the chute, in her house of Ill Repute, Go, Go

Running for his vittles, it was washed by Mr. Tiddles, Scrub Scrub!

Now all its sweetness gone, there went his Bonnie bon, Scrub Scrub!

Scrub Scrub! Scrub Scrub!

We all have our own way of running. But we, the lucky ones, found our healthy knives, did we not? Maybe that's what I'm really delusional about. And perhaps a sin I carry, that I didn't know I was carrying. Even when we, as parents, try to understand our creations, we will always miss the mark. When we believe we will always be with them, we hope it isn't in the intangible "in your heart" way, but physically near them. Like down the street or a phone call.

We don't always get what we wish for. Because it isn't about us. It never was. It was always about them. But there also comes a time when, it's not about them anymore. And its not about me, about them. (Co-Dependency) Grown ups need imagination when its time to stop being Mother or Father. That time comes when they fly away. Mom and Dad need to re create their lives that don't include children...or each other. (This is harder for mom than dad) what does that look like? They must rediscover their knife. 

I have the middle. AND...

I know how it ends now! I have an ending where I did not.

Don't get your panties in a bunch. I'm not telling yet. 

Here's my hope. This is my light. 

I pray I'm not delusional. Lying to myself to make it through to next year or week. I want this to be real so bad. I want these crumbs, these bits to be real. The stuff that popped out of the hat! All those people who worked on those projects! Even Charlie is impressed! (You can trust me on this!)

I want to save Loki. Not sure if his keepers are playing the same game we are. Or if the Protectors of McQueen are either. I have no clue whats going on up there in the penthouse. But I'm holding out for some good news. I know I don't want to be delusional. Because if I am, I'm gonna need some pills and a retreat soon. 

I gave up my soul. Just like the children's Christmas Ornament, my soul is being kept in that recording. I will need it back soon. Please don't turn me into a hobbe.