The Path Back: Frankenstein

 Why Frankenstein?

Obvious question but totally apt. If I'm remembering correctly, it was about a deeper subject. In prior years, I lamented not being heard, listened too, understood, and most of all not having an opportunity to achieve anything.  Many in my generation are full of rage and spite because we had no chance at a reaching higher potential. Specifically in my case, I was and still am overeducated with no piece of paper to "prove it" nor any money or family ties to bump me into the door.  Any kid who binged PBS in the late 70's or early 80's learned very early that reading and learning was a fundamental part of being an adult. We were indoctrinated with the idea that if we worked hard, we could go to college and change our lives for the better.

This is and always has been a lie.

I was not indoctrinated with this belief. It was beaten into me. Here's the short version. I only knew violence. I knew I was unwanted. I was told I was a waste. I was told and showed that I had no value if I could not produce adult intelligence at age 4. I was smart but told I was stupid. They expected a fish to climb a tree and when I did not, I was beaten for it. Which was every day because I was a child. At home, at school, and at church. Conservative Christians told a child that I could not receive redemption because I was a bastard. Fairly extreme even in Indiana in the early 80's. I was told that Jesus wouldn't love me for any reason and that my destiny was Hell. I was 7. I hate all Temple Baptists to this very day. If there was no room for me in heaven, then why did your church bus pick me up every Sunday? Why was I forced to go just to get bullied by Christ too? Because I went to church on the bus alone with my siblings whom I was in charge of, while my parents slept in from the drug party on Saturday night. Church was a babysitter not a safe place to be. That's why. I couldn't protect myself and I could not protect my siblings either. I was 7.

I have felt like the creature my whole life. Born as an adult. A parent who expected a baby to articulate thoughts into full, proper Oxford English with well-placed commas at the instant I left the birth canal. I know what that creature is feeling. And I know that the Doctor wasn't who he thought he was.

I mentioned that to Scott. FNaF revolves around the idea of "sins committed by the adult onto the child." FNaF explores the atrocities that are committed against innocence by those who are in authority. It also explores how the child would respond to those dark sins. But in order to do that, we would have to hear the story from the child. If the child doesn't have or didn't learn how to regulate their mood, address their own emotions, and then have the emotional intelligence enough to translate that into language, how would we know or document with any accuracy the questions that come immediately and long after those sins had been committed? Short answer is, we can't.

For so long, we heard Mary Shelley's Frankenstein interpreted by surface feelings. Even though we know for a fact that it is the conquerors who write history. They skew the story to their favor. But as Lord Pam once said, "What is a good story but a well told lie?" Loki has often said this to me as well. There is so much truth in that statement.

So what if Frankenstein is told from the creatures point of view? The creature, like a child, wasn't born evil. Nothing is born evil. This lead me to speak about the soul of a child.

I can't talk about that here. If I did, it would reveal the dark and beautiful answer of Five Nights at Freddy's whole franchise. The source of the lore. The beginning and end of the whole story. It isn't time for it to be born. What I can say is that Doctor Victor Frankenstein is and always has been the real villain of that story. He didn't start out that way. Victor also had many issues. These issues shared by sons and father through ages of time uncounted. But it was the creature who asked the real, honest question that we all have asked at some point.

Where, When, and How do the sins of authority stop?

Del Toro's Frankenstein, my creature, turns to face that very idea. Because it will lead to the most terrifying choice we have ever faced; to continue the horror and adhere to what society has deemed normal behavior and what determine what is expected and accepted as parents. Or walk alone, to have the courage to be disliked because you are making new choices and determining new ways of facing the sins that we inflict upon ourselves and our children. With or without intent, makes no difference. We, through our unknowing, sinned against our children in various ways. Because we are human and sometimes, we learn too late or not at all.

I spoke to Scott about this turn of perspective, this new idea for a theme. I told him to talk to Del Toro to ask him if he and his crew could perform this masterpiece that I knew he could conduct into a symphony of visual beauty. Del Toro had always wanted to do a version but had lacked a perspective vision. He doesn't do ordinary or mundane. Del Toro and his crew need depth, layers, perspective, and message. Surface swimming is good but there's needs to be a deep end of the pool. One which I was more than happy to give away to see unfold like magic onto the screen of my Roku. I don't regret it one instant. My seed given to a great gardener bore a fruit of wonder. If I have any regrets, its that I don't have any recognition or receipts to prove it. But that was also the point of the exercise. I don't need to earn approval or applause. But I am finding that I need something. But I have yet to identify what it is.  

We are all monsters

We are all monsters in our own way. I was born one. I was told early on that I would not find redemption because I was a bastard child. I had to earn love. I was never enough. I was a burden. It took a very long time for me to learn and accept that I don't need to earn my life or prove that I'm worthy of it. It took a long time for me to understand that nobody-not even The Divine-can determine my destiny. The Divine gave me choices so that I could grow and learn in my own way, on my own schedule, with a multitude of resources, whatever I chose to do. I don't have to earn the love of my gods, it is already given. I can chose to be my own hero or my own villain. Loki told me I could be both. Both are valid to growth! I learned to love my monster and live. I don't need permission. I don't need books. I don't need church busses. I only need my soul. I determine how I live. I choose. I am the path.

I realize that it has been many years since I have written like this. I also realize how important it is to me and how much I miss it. I wish I could get paid to do this. I could do it for free but I can't eat Universe juice to survive. The only reason I can do this is due to the healing I have gotten so far and the furlough. When Government begins again, this will go away. I hate my position. It sucks the life essence from me. I feel heavy and old. I don't sing or dance. My smile is false. My mask is heavy and dark. I'm tired all the time. My coping skills no longer work.

It's because I'm sad. I'm not living my soul's true purpose. My soul is alive and living its purpose, but my soul is in FNaF. I am physically not present to be involved. I'm separated, split, shattered.

Last night, I watched FuhNaff's video about the Movie Cast party. There was Dawko, Fuhnaff, MatPat and other creators. I saw Matthew, Abbie, and the cast. Everyone was smiling and laughing, dancing and eating. I was filled with joy and sorrow of equal measure. The thought that I helped so many people have joy. Gave them path and purpose. That I had a hand in all that wonder and spectacle. The set at Universal was like it was ripped from my head and thrown onto a screen. I cried so hard. I'm crying now. Because I'm scared, I will never see it for real. I'm looking in the window, banging on the glass, and you can't see me because of all the fun. I see you dancing in the light and warmth of my soul, but I'm not there. It shattered me into pieces, heartbroken and heartjoy at the same time.  

I am Exotic Butter. Its for my popcorn. Its what I eat when you almost catch me at the end. I'm scared of you, player. I'm afraid that you will not like me. I'm afraid that you will set expectations for me that I can't achieve. You have spent a decade chasing me. When you catch me, you will hate me. Despise me. You will hurt me. You will call me a monster. You will cast me out. You will deny me. You will not like me and will cast my gifts that I gave to you aside like garbage. I tell myself its not your fault. Angels don't look nice. They are not nice. Angels don't look normal. They look hideous and are monstrosities. They look grotesque. How will you look upon me? Will you shoot me like the creature was shot at the farmhouse? I'm afraid of you player one. For a decade, I tried to get you first. Scare you away. But you kept coming back. Kept going deeper. To satisfy your own dark curiosity. Am I really the monster I have been told I am? Or are you?

I will continue as much as I can to catalog this part of the journey. Or at least with what little time I have before I'm sucked back into hell at the IRS agian. Have fun for another decade. I left it all there for you. Scott, Bonnie, and I left it there for you. Don't waste it. Don't misuse it. There's so much love in it. Be well.