Consequences

 Consequences. It's a big word with larger meaning, most of them being that they come in to bite your face off later. And when you least need it. Maybe.

The consequences to my turbulent situation have been building for much longer than I have been writing or speaking about. No one (and yes, I mean that) is interested in reading or listening to whining about trauma or mental illness. Not in this political and social climate, for sure. Social media has really pulverized that dead horse. However, I can take a short moment to document mine a little bit here.

This journey has been rough. I found good things about myself and heartbreak concerning other situations and people. There was a couple of surprises too. Nearing the end of this race, I ran out of steam about 3 years ago. Valhalla really drained me. (There's a glint of memory here also. I'm not sure but I may have set myself up for failure on that. Did I unknowing self-sabotage myself 7 years prior by suggesting Valhalla be created on YouTube? I know that sounds more batshit than normal. But memory can be weird and when self-reflecting there is doubt. Did I do that or did someone else do that? This comes from a place in which I want to have positive thoughts about people and am looking for ways to take blame. In part, this is trauma from childhood but also, I want to live in a happy place. If it's me or my fault, I can take steps to fix it. But if its someone else's fault, the world is just one more excuse of shittiness and not worth sticking up for or sticking around for. I remain, hilariously isolated. I have attempted many times to join groups, including goth groups, only to face more isolation. How is this possible? I know, I'm not that bad. And yet, actual serial killers have more followers, friends, and fans than me! How is that even a thing?! Like, WTF?! I mean, let that sink in a minute because its ridiculously true.)

Because of this very slow spiral over a long period of time, I've been stressed out for a long time. More than ever before. This has caused my immune system to go haywire. My life is on fire, and I can't manage the burning anymore. I will lose my position at the IRS. I can't function daily.

The situation got plenty effing real after Naka con this year. If he doesn't show up, the consequences are not something I will ever recover from. The risk for me was high in 2012. They only got higher as the years passed. I went all in way more than I realized. My soul was in that recording my opportunities, my life, my health, my future. I didn't give it away, I lent it out. Will it return? If it doesn't, I'm screwed. Hard.

I will find out in 1 week.

But again, that doesn't matter. My position will be at risk. I will either get a Non-work status as hardship, get terminated, or be forced to resign. The resignation will screw me out of benefits that have taken years to build as a safety net. I still owe an effload of money because I borrowed against my little nest egg of retirement to make it through the recovery from surgery. If I get terminated, the safety net I worked for goes up in smoke. Many do not know that if you get terminated from one government agency, you can NEVER be hired at another government agency ever again. Its permanent. There's no going back. If I resign, I could go back in a few months. Alas, Trump administration has made that impossible. This puts me out of opportunities in the local area. I can't move because the ex-husband has put the house into bankruptcy since 2012. (That story would shock you I'm sure). I also think about how unfair this is. At work, right now, there are 2 employees that have been AWOL for minimum of 2 years. Like everyday kind of AWOL. Not I'm fighting a health battle or something. There is suspicion that the one AWOL for over 3 years may actually be dead. But she still has a job there, where as I, have a case being built against me for termination. The sad truth is that I would get terminated before the others will. I haven't even had a counseling! What the hell is up with that?

Fortunately, paperwork is slow. Government paperwork is slower. IF someone decides to push this through as fast as possible (which is a possibility) then Government paperwork can be quick. If this happens, that means they have been gunning for me since the beginning. Honestly, I can't take that kind of heartbreak. So, I don't know what to decide here.

The arrival of Destiny would make this choice easier, of course. I have already previously stated that given the choice, I'm outta here. But that doesn't make the Time go faster or the journey any lighter. I remember I said that I was bound for hell...Well, this is the bedrock of it. This is it.

See you on the other side??