Hearing me talk, you may get the impression that I'm a firm believer of sunshine from Loki's butt. This is incorrect. Like most males of his kind, they completely believe the statement 'I'm so wonderful sunshine glows from my butt'. It's not that they make it a point to be massive pricks, but they, at times, will overstate the value of their inner divinity. This is why the Divine Source commanded that they could no longer be Eternal and switched things up by making them Immortal. Of course, that was brought about by Loki. He interpreted his annihilation of the Eternal and the total destruction of the old ways as imperial evidence of his brilliant magnificence. This idea was overfed to him by his own mind. So as you can see his ego has a special way of being overfed, and thus fallible. I know this. I accept and respect it. It is one of his biggest character flaws. So, I talk about the other wonderful things about him, while giving him the side-eye and reminding him he is guilty of making mistakes. Or remind him of how stupidly human he can be by loudly pointing out minor character flaws like his terrible diet and lack of adulting.
Those points aside, one of the most beautiful things about Loki is his strange ability to meta-weave himself through the fabric of space and time. (Space-time for those who are boring and without the romantic poetry gene). There was a memory that surfaced recently that triggered this in me. If there is one thing in this world I can do, it's talk about Loki. Becuase that is how I love him from far away.
with him. He was traveling with his band of warriors to wreak havoc along some trail his uncle had claimed. In other terms, border patrol. When warriors get bored, they will always eventually end up looking for booze and woman. (Remember this. It's important)
Our tribe, being nomadic, bumped into their borders. Of course, it started out as a fight but nature took over when they discovered we were a scouting/hunting party of women who also had been away from the tribe too long. The fight ended with everybody getting naked and frolicking; which is a much better and efficient way of spending time away from home.
Loki and I spent a few days together. We went hunting, fishing, and swimming. Spent the nights with more frolicking, then we parted ways. Sad that we probably would never see each other again.
Fast forward sometime later, our chieftess decided to settle down near a new land. This wasn't odd. There was some unrest in the East. There was a rising danger to the South. We needed to settle to fortify ourselves. We chose a spot near some great hills in the northwest but east of the Volga River. As we began to build our new settlement, here come some warriors to drive us off. They came at us from across a grass field, weapons drawn, screaming berserking battle cries. And then completely dumfounding the war chief as a few of them grabbed some of our warriors and kissed them full on the mouth!
Lo! How lucky can one bitch be in a single lifetime! There is Loki, standing beside the war chief on the horse. He looks around at some fighting and some fucking (willingly mind!) Takes a deep breath as shock rolls over him, figures it out, then calls off the attack. The war chief on the horse starts to object but Loki turns his axe to the flat blunt side and whacks the man off his horse. Why fight when you know for sure diplomacy will work out for the benefit of two tribes? I have never known a Loki to pass the opportunity to talk his way out of something. Especially, if it is in his best interest. I know he thought that because he was eyeballing me from across the field commanding everybody to stand down.
Turns out he is a bit of a lordship in his tribe. His uncle is the big man in charge. His cousin, who loves him dearly, is next in line to lead. I guess a bitch can get lucky a lot in a single lifetime.
Unless other people have different ideas. Like the Chieftess of my tribe. She wants a couple of her daughters to get married into his family. Expectedly, uncle wants to marry off some of his sons. However, his heir is already taken and his other sons are not old enough to be wed. This leaves nephews. This points to Loki.
Here's a secret about Loki. It's a flat-out war if someone tells Loki what to do with his heart. He absolutely cannot be forced into marriage for any reason. A king cannot convince him of his "civic duty". He cannot be bought or tricked. Loki will not surrender his heart on command. Loki will act out like an animal causing terrible things to happen in his panicked distress to defend his heart.
Uncle did not care for his behavior and threatened him. At this news, Loki went and got himself absolutely wasted. In his drunken madness blurted that I was the reason for his reluctance. This news reached Uncle and Chieftess. I was sent away for a time on a trading caravan heading south into the outskirts of the Persian Territories. This actually turned out to be a really good thing to happen.
While I was gone, I sought to soothe myself with some culture. I sat with storytellers, loremasters, and sages. I transported myself to the realms of Gods and Djinns as often as I could. I learned all that I could on my travels there and back again.
Meanwhile, back home, Loki has reluctantly married. He didn't abuse her, but he did emotionally abandon her. As tradition demanded, he nailed her enough times to get her pregnant. Then simply ignored her existence. This was not a good thing. She died during childbirth along with the child. Loki may have not loved her but Loki is a serious guy about fatherhood. Every Superior Variant is. This trait is one of the most important traits needed to be a Loki variant. Losing his would-be child, struck him hard. He blamed himself for her declining well-being and eventual death. After all, she wasn't all that happy to be wed to him either. It was a political thing for both. She truly had deserved better treatment from him. Loki did not handle the regret well.
A little while after that, the community experienced some windfalls. A plague swept through. Followed shortly by a raid from rivals from the west. During this series of unfortunate events, Loki lost family members; namely his uncle and his cousin. Several children were taken during the sickness. In short, that left Loki as the man who would be king.
When I returned, he was a single man with abundant lands and livestock. He had inherited the lodge and all the servants. Loki was transformed into the eligible bachelor. Which sounds great except that he also inherited all the pressure to go with it!
Mothers and fathers were shoving their daughters (and sons!) at him. (Not that it was a big deal. But that the numbers of the community were low and they needed every person to reproduce. Since the community was a little confused by Loki, because he can be gender fluid, they offered him one to marry and one to fuck at his whim and as needs must. Which is a normal thing at the time.)
Of course, there was pressure from the elders for him to marry well. And this time they backed off on a specific who. That much loss is hard for any person. The last thing they needed was an uncooperative leader. There was work to be done and decisions to make. They did not want to risk the unraveling psyche of a Loki. Government must move on, regardless of personal stuff.
There was a serious food shortage when we returned. So, when we came back happiness and stability returned. The stores were filled up to tide us over. More warriors for the hunting party is always a boon. In addition, we returned with unwilling help that was in desperate need. (Remember this is a super long time ago.) The community was seeing hope again.
Loki, on the other hand, was angry that I had left. Another thing that a real Loki variant will do is hold a grudge for way too long. Betrayal hurts him deeply because he loves so deeply. That's why he will betray another first if he gets the hint of a thought of shenanigans. He gets really stabby. (Which I have heard is ok because its Russia) In my case, it was a metaphorical stabby from his dagger-like stare I received every time I was near him.
Loki was also angry at my refusal to "fight for him". He was constantly surrounded by a group of romantic hopefuls. I made no effort to chase him or fight off the group. I said nothing. I did nothing. So, Loki took that to mean I had fallen out of love. The real truth was that I was exhausted from the trip and needed rest. I needed healing.
Loki needed healing too. But couldn't seem to find the best medicine. Because of my lack of interest, he decided to be a complete tart. He started to act out. Drinking, whoring, eating, hunting, everything a male considers to be pleasurable a few thousand years ago. No matter what he did, he couldn't seem to be satisfied or filled. Loki likes pleasure but he will also quickly bore of it. And that's dangerous, a bored Loki.
Now, he can't sleep. Loki is burnt at both ends. He is miserable. During this misery, he tries to distract himself with stories from the south. So, he sneaks into a thrall's gathering and listens to the fabulous tales of the south. He is filled with inspiration as he is told of thieves, genies' lamps, magic carpets, and words that open concealed doors that lead to hordes of gold. Loki sees hope that a person, a king even, could hear a thousand tales and rise again, transformed and healed.
After the gathering cleared away for the night, the disguised Loki approached the seated storyteller. The figure was shadowed by the dying fire and the oversized draped hood.
"Skald, do you truly believe in the tales you repeat? Do you think a man may find restoration in folktales?" asked Loki.
"A man will find whatever he desires most if he listens to stories and hears the voice of the Gods within it. But a man must set aside pride and ego for a little time each night to listen with the heart of a child. Not many are brave enough for this task. It means opening the heart and being vulnerable to one's own darkness. Only in this way can we see the lighted path ahead and be healed," said the skald.
"A brave man only dies but once, a coward will die a thousand times. I am brave," said Loki.
"Is that what you believe?" chuckled the skald.
"How can it be different?"
"Because brave men die just as many times as a coward, the difference is that the brave man is reborn into a better world. The coward remains buried in his own darkness, doomed to repeat it eternally. Brave men are granted immortality." said the skald.
Loki paused in thought. The smoldering embers cracked and popped as the fire cooled in the night air. A light spray of red ash flew up. It turned grey as the breeze caught it and cast it away into the starry sky. "It's clear you are speaking not in terms of flesh but in terms of spirit and mind. I can sense its merit and value though I can't see it as clearly as I would like." Loki sat down on the ground near the fire facing the hooded skald. "Let me speak plainly. I know I'm in a bad place. Here," he pointed at his chest. "I don't know what to do about it. I'm willing to try anything. I need new medicine."
"It's dangerous for a doctor to try a new medicine with a king, regardless of what kind of medicine it is. Powerful men are impatient. Sometimes they lack insight and intuition. If powerful men do not see results immediately, it is common that he murders the one who provides the medicine. In my story, the concubine is threatened with death if she does not deliver a story to the king every night for a thousand nights. The truth is that this is an exaggeration. The lie is to exhibit the lengths one would go to out of love. It also speaks that healing takes as long as it takes. It could be a day of inspiration or it could be a full lifetime. But truly in life, one thousand nights is not necessary. Nor the threat of death. As a matter of truth, the threat of death is counter to the heart of the exercise."
"What do you mean?"
The skald took a deep breath. "Loki, I can't give you my secrets just as the Gods can't give away the answers. A supplicant must experience them or it has no meaning. Forcing another with the threat of death takes away the intent of the person who is administering the medicine. It must be done out of love, not fear. That is part of the medicine."
After a moment, Loki nodded his head. "I do understand your meaning there. I don't only need medicine, I need a loving person to administer it. Someone true." He paused and lowered his head. "Where could I find someone like that? I feel that all who love me have abandoned me or died. Who is left?"
"Loki, you are so wrapped up in your grief you have not been mindful or observant at all. Come out of your head and look at me,"said the skald.
Loki looked up at the hooded skald. His eyes wandered up and down the cloaked figure sitting in the dim red light. "I'm looking. What am I supposed to see?"
"By the Nine, Loki, if you can't see it yet, return tomorrow night, and look again." The hooded figure let loose an exasperated sigh, stood up, and turned away.
Having witnessed such an exchange, I shook my head. It's common for a stressed and distressed Loki to be blind to his own current standing in the world. But the most important truth here is that until he dug himself out of his own inner turmoil, nothing and nobody could help him with or without good medicine. So, I walked away in fear. I was frightened that he would not return. Fearful he wouldn't rise against his own pride and ego to fight for himself. In tears that I could do nothing except wait and watch for his next move.